Several days ago, my tween daughter yelled at me. I wanted her to do something\u2014now<\/em>\u2014and she wanted to do it later,<\/em>\u00a0and the argument escalated from there\u2014I don\u2019t even remember what it was. I do remember how I felt when she yelled at me. I give my kids a lot of leeway, but I do require them to treat people\u2014parents included\u2014with respect. I fumed. I would wait until she calmed down, I determined, and then give her a stern talking to. Yelling at someone like that is unacceptable.<\/p>\n And then, with a jolt, I realized something.\u00a0I had yelled first.\u00a0<\/em>That\u2019s right\u2014early on in the dispute I yelled for her to\u00a0get up here right now. (<\/em>It bewilders me, now, that I can\u2019t remember what it was that I was upset about. Something she was supposed to do that she hadn\u2019t done, but I can\u2019t remember what.)\u00a0I yelled first.\u00a0<\/em>How was I supposed to get on her case for yelling at me\u00a0when I started it?\u00a0<\/em>I, the adult? The person who was supposed to know better?\u00a0The person who is supposed to be her model?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n This feels bigger than me. When kids yell at their parents, they\u2019re treated as a big, serious problem. You can\u2019t let your kid yell at you.\u00a0<\/em>They\u2019re out of control! They\u2019re being selfish brats! They\u2019re going to grow up to be serial killers! But we parents? Even when we try not to, we do it all the time\u2014and we frequently don\u2019t think twice about it. There\u2019s something that feels fundamentally broken about how we approach parenting. Why do we expect our children to be more mature\u00a0than we are?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n So I let it slide. I didn\u2019t call her in for a lecture later. We\u2019d both<\/em> messed up. Would she have even yelled to begin with if I hadn\u2019t set the tone by yelling first? Probably not. I resolved to do better.<\/p>\n The moment stuck out, in part because it runs contrary to how I strive to parent. I set out, early on, to avoid corporal punishment, but somewhere along the line this grew into something bigger. I rarely punish my children\u2014at all. Not even a time-out, or a removal of privileges. I rarely need to.<\/p>\n Ninety-five percent of the time, I can resolve conflicts and disagreements by my children by getting down at their level, telling them what I need and why, and then listening to them. When I listen to them\u2014and clearly and openly incorporate their needs into my decision-making\u2014they listen to me and do the same in return. They contribute to the problem solving. We find a way to meet everyone\u2019s needs.<\/p>\n If I find that I have resorted to threats\u2014\u201cput your coat on now<\/em> or \u00a0you\u2019re going to be banned from computer for the rest of the day\u201d\u2014or bribes\u2014\u201cif you put your coat on and do a good job on this errand, I\u2019ll get you a treat\u201d\u2014I know I\u2019ve failed. Rewards and punishments are not ideal. They\u2019re external<\/em> controls. I only turn to them on the rare occasion that simply\u00a0talking it through\u00a0<\/em>has failed.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s something else that surprised me: When my younger elementary school son is misbehaving\u2014say, intentionally getting on his sister\u2019s nerves\u2014the best way to respond is to grab him, hop on the couch, and snuggle with him while reading a book. This seems counterintuitive, but it\u2019s true. Having some one-on-one mommy time seems to help with whatever was off-kilter, and when I sequester him on the couch and monopolize his concentration, his older sister gets the space she needs.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve never been big on time-outs. For one thing, I\u2019ve usually found that punishment isn\u2019t necessary to fix misbehavior. A frank conversation\u2014one that involves listening as well as talking\u2014usually does the trick. But in those moments when I\u2019ve been tempted to banish a child to their room\u2014\u201ctime out\u201d\u2014I\u2019ve found that pulling them aside for one-on-one time\u2014\u201ctime in\u201d\u2014actually works better. Sit by me and assist as I wash the dishes. Take a walk around the block with me. Sit with me and read.<\/p>\n Several readers have noted that I haven\u2019t been writing about my kids as much over the past few years. I used to write about them\u2014and my adventures in parenting\u2014a lot. One reason I haven\u2019t done this as much is that as they\u2019ve grown older I\u2019ve become more conscious of their privacy. They\u2019re not props in some sort of game I\u2019m playing. They\u2019re their own separate people, and I want to respect that.<\/p>\n