{"id":41416,"date":"2019-02-13T05:00:54","date_gmt":"2019-02-13T09:00:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=41416"},"modified":"2019-02-12T13:38:15","modified_gmt":"2019-02-12T17:38:15","slug":"we-want-our-kids-to-listen-so-why-dont-we","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2019\/02\/we-want-our-kids-to-listen-so-why-dont-we.html","title":{"rendered":"We Want Our Kids to Listen—So Why Don’t We?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

A reader sent me an article titled Our Daughter\u2019s Nightly Struggle<\/a>; in it, the author narrates her effort to curb her teenage daughter\u2019s smartphone usage. Needless to say, it didn\u2019t go well\u2014until she started actually listening<\/em> to her daughter. When she did, she learned something. Funny how that works.<\/p>\n

My daughter is 16 and like all teens deals with social drama and ups and downs.\u00a0 I want her to have a cell phone for safety, but last year I began to realize that she was using it for much more than that. She was staying up late at night texting and on social media, and the beautiful daughter I know and love was, quite frankly, becoming awful to live with.<\/p>\n

After investigating her hours of late night phone use (which for a technology challenged mom like myself was no easy task), \u00a0my husband and I decided it was time for us to start putting her device in our room at bedtime. I honestly had no idea how much this decision would impact her. After she blew up in anger, she began sobbing and puddled on the floor. As I held her, I just listened. Listened to all the worries and fears of fitting in and keeping up, but there was something even more alarming keeping her up at night\u2026My daughter had been counseling another teen late at night who was suicidal.\u00a0 Her huge heart had been on high alert. She HAD to stay up and be available at all times \u201cin case\u201d her friend needed her.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The author explains that after finally listening to her daughter she was able to understand\u00a0why\u00a0<\/em>she was staying up till all hours using her smartphone\u2014and they were able to find solutions together.<\/p>\n

We were able to talk, really talk, (well, she talked and I held my breath hoping that it wouldn\u2019t stop).\u00a0 She shared all her social circle drama, the comments on social media she had to keep up with, the sleep overs and parties she saw that she knew she wasn\u2019t invited to, and most importantly how she was single handedly owning responsibility for her friend\u2019s life.\u00a0 My teen was relieved when we talked through how to break the silence and get her friend help, real help, and that it wasn\u2019t my daughter\u2019s responsibility to carry that burden, especially not alone.\u00a0 Together we came up with a plan to involve adults who can support her friend and break the silence over suicidal thoughts.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Feel free to read the rest of her post<\/a>. It sounds like things ultimately worked out well for both mother and daughter, because they both were willing to listen to each other<\/em>. Again, funny how that works.<\/p>\n

This encounter wasn\u2019t fated to work out as well as it did. In fact, it started out rather badly. Consider where the author began\u2014by confiscating her device at bedtime. It was only after being shocked at how upset this unilateral decision made her daughter that the author actually listened<\/em>. What if the author had instead started by telling her daughter about her concerns regarding her smartphone usage, and by asking for her daughter\u2019s input in finding a solution?<\/p>\n

My kids aren\u2019t yet teens yet, but\u00a0when something concerns me about their behavior (their amount of screen time, say, or failure to accomplish chores without nagging), I talk to them about it and we brainstorm solutions together. This gets them onboard from the outset, and it gives me space to explain why<\/em> I\u2019m concerned. In many cases, parents lay down a blanket rule in which their children had no input or buy-in, doing so for reasons their children have never been given the tools or information to understand. \u201cBecause I said so,\u201d they say. \u201cI\u2019m the parent.\u201d Is it any wonder kids don\u2019t like this?<\/p>\n

Story time! My daughter practices piano without any fuss and with barely any reminder. A few weeks ago, it dawned on me that my daughter\u2019s violin was sitting in her case untouched all week unless I mounted a massive effort to get her to practice. So, \u00a0asked her why<\/em>. Why does she practice piano so readily, but not the violin? She thought about it, and then told me that she didn\u2019t like practicing her violin because it took so long for her to get it out and ready to play.<\/p>\n

At her suggestion, I started helping her get her violin out each day, and she duly started practicing. I was pleased\u2014we\u2019d worked this out together as a team. But then we ran into another problem. She would spend all of her practice time trying to adjust her violin, saying that it hurt her neck and chin. By the time she got it semi-okay, she was ready to be done. I could have just told her to buck up and deal, but instead I asked her to show me what was bothering her.<\/p>\n

Kids who have medical problems sometimes struggle to get them addressed because the adults around them don\u2019t believe them when they say something hurts or is uncomfortable. I didn\u2019t think this was a medical problem, but I felt I should investigate the possibility that something actually wasn\u2019t right. After listening to my daughter\u2019s explanation, I decided to talk to her violin teacher. Her teacher looked at her rental violin and told me that the chin rest was oddly shaped. She suggested that I take my daughter to the violin rental place and have her try violins with varying chin rests.<\/p>\n

My daughter wasn\u2019t imagining her discomfort. Her teacher didn\u2019t poo poo it and tell her to buck up. Her chin rest was actually in fact shaped oddly\u2014and trying different chin rests to find one that is comfortable is normal and okay. I didn\u2019t realize any of this, and I wouldn\u2019t have if I hadn\u2019t actually listened.<\/p>\n

There are other ways I could have gone about this. When my daughter wasn\u2019t practicing, I could have informed her that she wasn\u2019t allowed to play or have dinner until after she practiced, and then backed that up, tears or no. When she complained about how her violin felt, I could have told her to quit whining, buck up, and practice already. But where would this have left me? My daughter would have been angry with me; every afternoon would have been a battle; and she might have ended up hating an instrument that genuinely never felt comfortable to play.<\/p>\n

Instead, my daughter is learning that I listen to her. Not only that, she\u2019s also learning how to analyze situations where she has weaknesses and brainstorm solutions herself. Kids who have nothing but external controls imposed on them all their lives don\u2019t have the opportunity to learn how to recognize and correct bad work patterns or study habits on their own. Those are skills I want my daughter to learn now. And, hopefully,\u00a0she\u2019s eventually going to learn how to play the violin.<\/p>\n

I have a <\/b>Patreon<\/b><\/a>! Please support my writing!\u00a0<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A reader sent me an article titled Our Daughter\u2019s Nightly Struggle; in it, the author narrates her effort to curb her teenage daughter\u2019s smartphone usage. Needless to say, it didn\u2019t go well\u2014until she started actually listening to her daughter. When she did, she learned something. Funny how that works. My daughter is 16 and like […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":41431,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[108],"tags":[143],"class_list":["post-41416","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","tag-positive-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nWe Want Our Kids to Listen---So Why Don't We?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A reader sent me an article titled Our Daughter's Nightly Struggle; in it, the author narrates her effort to curb her teenage daughter's smartphone usage.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2019\/02\/we-want-our-kids-to-listen-so-why-dont-we.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"We Want Our Kids to Listen---So Why Don't We?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"A reader sent me an article titled Our Daughter's Nightly Struggle; in it, the author narrates her effort to curb her teenage daughter's smartphone usage.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2019\/02\/we-want-our-kids-to-listen-so-why-dont-we.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Love, Joy, Feminism\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2019-02-13T09:00:54+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2019-02-12T17:38:15+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/166\/2019\/02\/piano-3290798_1920.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"768\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"508\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Libby Anne\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Libby Anne\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2019\/02\/we-want-our-kids-to-listen-so-why-dont-we.html\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2019\/02\/we-want-our-kids-to-listen-so-why-dont-we.html\",\"name\":\"We Want Our Kids to Listen---So Why Don't We?\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2019-02-13T09:00:54+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2019-02-12T17:38:15+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#\/schema\/person\/fae465c1bbb5cbdf26c9e73bfd1b73d2\"},\"description\":\"A reader sent me an article titled Our Daughter's Nightly Struggle; in it, the author narrates her effort to curb her teenage daughter's smartphone usage.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2019\/02\/we-want-our-kids-to-listen-so-why-dont-we.html#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2019\/02\/we-want-our-kids-to-listen-so-why-dont-we.html\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2019\/02\/we-want-our-kids-to-listen-so-why-dont-we.html#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"We Want Our Kids to Listen—So Why Don’t We?\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/\",\"name\":\"Love, Joy, Feminism\",\"description\":\"\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#\/schema\/person\/fae465c1bbb5cbdf26c9e73bfd1b73d2\",\"name\":\"Libby Anne\",\"description\":\"Libby Anne grew up in a large evangelical homeschool family highly involved in the Christian Right. 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