Today I yelled at Sally. I was trying to finish a project and she was getting in the way again and again and I just snapped. I stormed upstairs to finish what I was working on in peace, leaving Sally downstairs with her daddy. I knew yelling like that was not right and I knew I should have taken a deep breath instead of getting more and more annoyed. In retrospect, I should have saved finishing my project until later, or else I should have stopped and found Sally something constructive to do. But I didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
After cooling off upstairs for a minute I knew what I needed to do. I went downstairs and found Sally and got down on her level and looked her in the eyes.<\/p>\n
Sally, mommy\u2019s sorry mommy yelled at you.<\/em><\/p>\n I love you very much and shouldn\u2019t get upset at you like that. How about you come upstairs with mommy, and you can play with your train set while I finish what I\u2019m working on? <\/em><\/p>\n Parents aren\u2019t perfect. As a child I thought parents just automatically knew everything, but then I became a parent and realized how untrue that is. We have our own flaws and we do make mistakes. More and more I find that practice positive parenting with Sally helps me see my flaws more obviously than ever. Positive parenting is not for the weak at heart.<\/p>\n But for me, positive parenting also means that I can admit my mistakes. If you see parenting as a\u00a0hierarchical\u00a0relationship where the parent is the authority and absolute obedience is required from the child, admitting making a mistake can be problematic. But if you see parenting as a relationship between two flawed individuals in which each strives to learn from the other and respect the other\u2019s needs without ignoring their own, admitting that you made a mistake only makes sense. And it\u2019s very freeing.<\/p>\n This isn\u2019t the first time I\u2019ve apologized to Sally, and it won\u2019t be the last. Sometimes I apologize for losing my temper, other times the apology is for putting too much time into my academic work on a given evening and not spending enough time engaging with her. Either way, I think being ready and willing to apologize is important, and for numerous reasons. First, it let\u2019s Sally know from the beginning that I\u2019m not perfect, but that I do try and love her very much. Second, it sets an example for Sally, encouraging her to be ready to apologize when she is in the wrong.<\/p>\n More than that, being willing to apologize to my daughter when I am in the wrong takes the edge off of any sort of parent-child competition in our relationship and emphasizes cooperation, honesty, and vulnerability. We all make mistakes, but we don\u2019t try to hide or deny that. Instead, we accept each other and love each other in spite of whatever mistakes we make.<\/p>\n Now obviously, as a disclaimer, I should point out that I\u2019m talking about a heartfelt apology, not an apology that is used as a get out of jail free card. If I were beating Sally and then apologizing for it afterwards and expecting her to forgive me for my \u201cmistake,\u201d or even if I were repeatedly ignoring Sally evening after evening in order to study and then each night apologizing at bedtime for not spending time with her without making a conscious effort to remedy the problem, that would be a different matter entirely. That\u2019s not the kind of apology I\u2019m talking about.<\/p>\n I love how positive parenting allows me to drop the facade of perfection and instead emphasize cooperation and mutual understanding. I love that Sally and I can be a team, that we can our mistakes and exchange a hug and move on from there.\u00a0And finally, I would hope that setting up a relationship based on cooperation rather than\u00a0hierarchy \u2013 and based on admitting our mistakes rather than denying them \u2013\u00a0will make it easier for Sally and I to transition to an adult-adult relationship when that time comes.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Today I yelled at Sally. I was trying to finish a project and she was getting in the way again and again and I just snapped. I stormed upstairs to finish what I was working on in peace, leaving Sally downstairs with her daddy. I knew yelling like that was not right and I knew […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[108],"tags":[24,143,129],"class_list":["post-4180","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-parenting","tag-children","tag-positive-parenting","tag-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\n