{"id":4225,"date":"2012-05-27T10:15:03","date_gmt":"2012-05-27T14:15:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=4225"},"modified":"2012-08-07T22:38:54","modified_gmt":"2012-08-08T02:38:54","slug":"marital-blind-spots-miming-our-parents-mistakes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/05\/marital-blind-spots-miming-our-parents-mistakes.html","title":{"rendered":"Marital Blind Spots: Miming Our Parents’ Mistakes"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

I recently read a guest post called \u201cBut He Never Hit Her<\/a>.\u201d Every once in a while I run across a post that really makes me think and evaluate my own actions, and this was one of them. The author starts by talking about her parents\u2019 abusive relationship and then goes on to talk about how growing up with this view of marriage as normal affected her own marriage. After quoting from the article, I\u2019ll provide some of my own thoughts and experiences with this.<\/p>\n

So many people think that abuse is hitting. I thought so growing up. Now I know better. It is one form of abuse, but not the only one. For years, I watched and listened as my dad abused my mom without ever laying a hand on her. He never cussed her out. \u2026\u00a0Now I see that he didn\u2019t need to do that. He held her hostage emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially to such an extent that he never needed to cross those tangible lines of physical violence.\u00a0 He controlled her in other ways.\u00a0 His put downs and sarcastic barbs, his raging silences and a host of other tactics\u2026.<\/p>\n

\u2026<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t bad all the time, though.\u00a0 There were enough good moments to make her feel crazy.\u00a0 Maybe it really was her fault.\u00a0 It had to be.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t a bad person\u2013in fact, he had the respect of the people around him who were convinced that he was a wonderful, Godly man.\u00a0 If only she could just try a little harder and not set him off with her stupidity, her slovenliness, and all the ways she hurt his feelings.<\/p>\n

That<\/em> is the lesson I learned of what marriage looked like. And that is the filter through which I interpreted my own husband\u2019s actions, even when his motives were entirely different. I took in my dad\u2019s control tactics as the way to \u201cwin\u201d, but at the same time learned to feel helpless like my mother, because that is what I saw and felt then. Those lessons are hard to unlearn.<\/p>\n

\u2026 I didn\u2019t repeat the cycle of marrying an abuser. But my mind was still locked into playing out some of the same scenarios. To ascribing the same motives to my husband, and of myself alternating between the roles of aggressor and victim. I\u2019ve spoken with the same contemptuous tone of voice that my father used. I\u2019ve reenacted her passivity. Most of all, I\u2019ve come to the realization that I have no idea what a healthy marriage looks like. I haven\u2019t spent enough time around one.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

While my parents\u2019 relationship was never abusive or one-sided like that of the author\u2019s parents, my parents did have their own little tactics they would use as they sought to navigate a marriage they increasingly sought to base on extreme differences in gender roles. The \u201csilent treatment\u201d or the \u201cemotional treatment,\u201d generally combined with a good dose of passive aggressiveness \u2013 that kind of thing. Communication was never simple or straightforward because it was littered with little\u00a0stratagems\u00a0like this. I grew up with this as my model of what a relationship was supposed to look like.<\/p>\n

And, when I got married, like the author of the above article, I repeated the patterns I had seen growing up. Like her, \u201cmy mind was still locked into playing out some of the same scenarios.\u201d Like her I would try to psychoanalyze my husband, attributing to him all the wrong emotions and intentions based on the patterns I had seen growing up, and like her I sometimes used my father\u2019s little tactics or my mother\u2019s little ploys, whatever it seemed like would work best in a given situation. I\u2019ve mimed my father and I\u2019ve mimed my mother, but somehow these tactics and ploys never seemed to work the way I\u2019d seen them work growing up.<\/p>\n

You see, my husband was raised in a family where communication was straightforward and the use of such tactics as the \u201csilent treatment\u201d or the \u201cemotional treatment\u201d did not occur, at least where he could see them. He never saw his parents try to manipulate each other or supplant straightforward communication with psychological ploys. And so when I tried to use the various tactics I\u2019d seen modeled growing up to manipulate my husband, it didn\u2019t work<\/em>. In fact, it kind of confused him.<\/p>\n

Through my husband\u2019s patience and my own self reflection I\u2019ve come to value straightforward communication and realize how manipulative the tactics and ploys I tried to use really were. Today my husband and I are working together to create new patterns. We still have a long way to go, because it\u2019s still so easy for me to simply follow the patterns I saw growing up as a sort of auto pilot. But little by little, we\u2019re getting there.<\/p>\n

Now I should point out that none of this is meant to indict my parents specifically; the reality is that no relationship is perfect, and theirs was a lot better than it could have been. And indeed, my husband and I will almost certainly set other patterns that are less than healthy and may drive my daughter nuts when she grows up and finds herself miming them. My point is merely to explain why the article above spoke to me so, because in so many ways it is my story too. It is so easy to run on autopilot, repeating the marital patterns I saw growing up whether they are healthy or not.<\/p>\n

Sometimes we don\u2019t realize how much what we saw modeled as children continues to affect us as adults.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I recently read a guest post called \u201cBut He Never Hit Her.\u201d Every once in a while I run across a post that really makes me think and evaluate my own actions, and this was one of them. The author starts by talking about her parents\u2019 abusive relationship and then goes on to talk about […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[43,25],"tags":[106],"class_list":["post-4225","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-family","category-christian-patriarchy","tag-marriage-2"],"yoast_head":"\nMarital Blind Spots: Miming Our Parents' Mistakes<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I recently read a guest post called "But He Never Hit Her." Every once in a while I run across a post that really makes me think and evaluate my own\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/05\/marital-blind-spots-miming-our-parents-mistakes.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Marital Blind Spots: Miming Our Parents' Mistakes\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I recently read a guest post called "But He Never Hit Her." Every once in a while I run across a post that really makes me think and evaluate my own\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/05\/marital-blind-spots-miming-our-parents-mistakes.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Love, Joy, Feminism\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2012-05-27T14:15:03+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2012-08-08T02:38:54+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Libby Anne\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Libby Anne\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/05\/marital-blind-spots-miming-our-parents-mistakes.html\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/05\/marital-blind-spots-miming-our-parents-mistakes.html\",\"name\":\"Marital Blind Spots: Miming Our Parents' Mistakes\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2012-05-27T14:15:03+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2012-08-08T02:38:54+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#\/schema\/person\/fae465c1bbb5cbdf26c9e73bfd1b73d2\"},\"description\":\"I recently read a guest post called \\\"But He Never Hit Her.\\\" Every once in a while I run across a post that really makes me think and evaluate my own\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/05\/marital-blind-spots-miming-our-parents-mistakes.html#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/05\/marital-blind-spots-miming-our-parents-mistakes.html\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/05\/marital-blind-spots-miming-our-parents-mistakes.html#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Marital Blind Spots: Miming Our Parents’ Mistakes\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/\",\"name\":\"Love, Joy, Feminism\",\"description\":\"\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#\/schema\/person\/fae465c1bbb5cbdf26c9e73bfd1b73d2\",\"name\":\"Libby Anne\",\"description\":\"Libby Anne grew up in a large evangelical homeschool family highly involved in the Christian Right. College turned her world upside down, and she is today an atheist, a feminist, and a progressive. She blogs about leaving religion, her experience with the Christian Patriarchy and Quiverfull movements, the detrimental effects of the \\\"purity culture,\\\" the contradictions of conservative politics, and the importance of feminism.\",\"sameAs\":[\"http:\/\/patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/author\/libby\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Marital Blind Spots: Miming Our Parents' Mistakes","description":"I recently read a guest post called \"But He Never Hit Her.\" Every once in a while I run across a post that really makes me think and evaluate my own","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/05\/marital-blind-spots-miming-our-parents-mistakes.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Marital Blind Spots: Miming Our Parents' Mistakes","og_description":"I recently read a guest post called \"But He Never Hit Her.\" Every once in a while I run across a post that really makes me think and evaluate my own","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/05\/marital-blind-spots-miming-our-parents-mistakes.html","og_site_name":"Love, Joy, Feminism","article_published_time":"2012-05-27T14:15:03+00:00","article_modified_time":"2012-08-08T02:38:54+00:00","author":"Libby Anne","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Libby Anne","Est. reading time":"5 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/05\/marital-blind-spots-miming-our-parents-mistakes.html","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/05\/marital-blind-spots-miming-our-parents-mistakes.html","name":"Marital Blind Spots: Miming Our Parents' Mistakes","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#website"},"datePublished":"2012-05-27T14:15:03+00:00","dateModified":"2012-08-08T02:38:54+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#\/schema\/person\/fae465c1bbb5cbdf26c9e73bfd1b73d2"},"description":"I recently read a guest post called \"But He Never Hit Her.\" Every once in a while I run across a post that really makes me think and evaluate my own","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/05\/marital-blind-spots-miming-our-parents-mistakes.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/05\/marital-blind-spots-miming-our-parents-mistakes.html"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/05\/marital-blind-spots-miming-our-parents-mistakes.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Marital Blind Spots: Miming Our Parents’ Mistakes"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/","name":"Love, Joy, Feminism","description":"","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#\/schema\/person\/fae465c1bbb5cbdf26c9e73bfd1b73d2","name":"Libby Anne","description":"Libby Anne grew up in a large evangelical homeschool family highly involved in the Christian Right. College turned her world upside down, and she is today an atheist, a feminist, and a progressive. She blogs about leaving religion, her experience with the Christian Patriarchy and Quiverfull movements, the detrimental effects of the \"purity culture,\" the contradictions of conservative politics, and the importance of feminism.","sameAs":["http:\/\/patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism"],"url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/author\/libby"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4225","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/845"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4225"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4225\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4225"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4225"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4225"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}