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<\/a><\/p>\n\u201cLadies, a priest I know was forced on Sunday to ask a woman at Mass to cover her shoulders,\u201d the tweet by Fr. Kevin M. Cusick reads. \u201cPlease help the priest to protect the purity of the men at holy Mass by choosing to dress modestly. The alternative is awkward for all involved. Thank you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s take it from the top, shall we?<\/p>\n
We\u2019ll start with perhaps the most important words in this tweet:\u00a0was forced.\u00a0<\/em>Cusick\u2019s priest friend was forced<\/em> to ask a woman at Mass to cover her shoulders. But who did the forcing, exactly? Who made<\/em> Cusick\u2019s priest friend tell this woman to cover her shoulders? The answer is\u00a0no one. No one\u00a0<\/em>made him.\u00a0Cusick\u2019s priest friend was not in any sense forced<\/em> to shame this woman. He chose<\/em> to do that.<\/p>\n Okay, next observation: in Cusick\u2019s telling, his priest friend asked<\/em> the woman to cover her shoulders. That\u2019s not what \u201cask\u201d actually means, though. And by that I mean that I very much doubt that this woman could have declined<\/em>. Being \u201casked\u201d to cover up is akin to being \u201casked\u201d to leave. Or \u201casked\u201d to resign.<\/p>\n Next, note that, in Cusick\u2019s story, the woman was asked to cover\u00a0her shoulders.\u00a0<\/em>Look, I\u2019m not okay with shaming someone over short skirts or cleavage either, but shoulders?<\/em>\u00a0Seriously? What next, ankles? This really is absurd. Does this priest also take men aside when they wear form-fitting clothing that shows off well-defined pecs, or particularly excellent biceps? Somehow I doubt it.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s talk, for a moment, about process and methods.<\/p>\n In Cusick\u2019s tweet, his priest friend dealt with his feelings about this woman\u2019s attire by going up to her and telling her to cover up.\u00a0There is no way for a priest to do this without shaming her. The priest could have approached it in other ways. He could have created a dress code that\u2019s written out, and posted it on the church doors the next Sunday. He could have approached an older woman in the church who mentors the woman and asked her to bring the issue up with her. He could have mentioned it generally in a sermon.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not that I\u2019m particularly okay with sermons against immodest dress or with older women taking younger women aside and coaching them on how not to distract men. I\u2019m not. But the more I thought about Cusick\u2019s tweet the more I felt the direct singling out, by a male religious leader, felt toxic and shame-inducing.<\/p>\n Cusick\u2019s priest friend didn\u2019t consider whether this woman will be comfortable in this church going forward. From his perspective, perhaps, he thinks that if a woman isn\u2019t willing to accept spiritual correction, that\u2019s on her. But that\u2019s a little harsh, don\u2019t you think? Especially when there were other ways to go about it? This priest is a man<\/em>. In what world is a priest approaching a woman about her clothing choices appropriate?<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n I\u2019m not actually onboard with sermons against immodest dress, or with older women in the church taking younger women aside and telling them not to wear this or that (which can itself be extremely shame-inducing), because\u00a0I\u2019m not okay with the idea that women need to cover up to protect men.\u00a0<\/em>On some level, this goes back to the idea that thinking sexual thoughts<\/em> is sin, and I don\u2019t think that idea is the least bit healthy.<\/p>\n We\u2019re humans. We\u2019re wired to find certain things attractive, or\u2014god forbid<\/em>\u2014sexy. To teach men that thoughts that are wired into their brains and don\u2019t hurt anyone\u00a0<\/em>are sin is extremely harmful. To put women in charge of making sure men don\u2019t have thoughts that are<\/em>\u00a0wired into them<\/em>\u00a0is worse. Better to teach men\u2014and women!\u2014how to handle their natural urges, thoughts, and feelings in a healthy way.<\/p>\n Next let\u2019s turn to dress codes.<\/p>\n As I wrote this post, I continually found myself feeling that if Cusick\u2019s priest friend cares this<\/em> deeply about what women attending his church wear, he should create a post a formal dress code. The ad hoc nature of this individual enforcement of a (presumably) unstated dress code is bad for everyone involved. But then I asked myself, would I actually be okay with that? When is a dress code okay\u2014and when isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n Different sorts of dress are appropriate in different situations. You wouldn\u2019t wear a crop top and short shorts to a board meeting\u2014unless it is a very<\/em> informal board, an d you knew that in advance. No one wants to be dressed inappropriately for an event or situation. But this sort of dress code isn\u2019t about sex or maintaining men\u2019s purity. It\u2019s about being situation-appropriate.<\/p>\n If someone walks into a formal church service \u00a0dressed in a halter top and a miniskirt, they\u2019ll very likely feel out of place, and they\u2019ll probably wear something different next time.\u00a0I went to a funeral recently. I texted a few people to check what people were going to wear. How formal would it be? I didn\u2019t want to feel out of place. My husband started a new job. Once again, he wanted to know about dress code\u2014if everyone was wearing suits and ties, he would too. Most people want to dress appropriately for events or venues they attend.<\/p>\n There are hip churches where everyone dresses down; there are more traditional churches where people in attendance wear \u201cchurch clothes.\u201d If you\u2019re leading a church, it could make sense to let people know, on your website or in welcome information, what the general feel of your worship services are. Casual attire? Sunday best? (I recently went to an elementary school graduation that asked attendees to wear their \u201cSunday best.\u201d)<\/p>\n I draw a line, however, between dress codes designed to help people wear situation-appropriate clothing and those designed to keep women from districting the men<\/em>. There\u2019s a difference between saying \u201cwear your Sunday best, at this church we like to dress up for God,\u201d on the one hand, and saying \u201ccover your shoulders, wear skirts that fall below your knees, and don\u2019t show cleavage,\u201d on the other.<\/p>\n Our local high school recently went through a complete rewrite of its school dress code. Why? Because the code wasn\u2019t geared toward ensuring that students wore situation-appropriate clothing, but toward preventing female students from wearing a wide range of attire considered \u201cdistracting\u201d to male students. The new dress code was re-centered on being situation-appropriate, rather than potential \u201cdistraction\u201d to male students.<\/p>\n