{"id":43608,"date":"2019-06-26T09:13:27","date_gmt":"2019-06-26T13:13:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=43608"},"modified":"2019-06-26T09:13:27","modified_gmt":"2019-06-26T13:13:27","slug":"fundigelical-advice-for-women-with-higher-sex-drives","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2019\/06\/fundigelical-advice-for-women-with-higher-sex-drives.html","title":{"rendered":"Fundigelical Advice for Women with Higher Sex Drives"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

When looking at posts by patriarchal blogger Lori Alexander\u2014in which she berates women for not joyfully hopping in bed every time their husbands so much as incline a finger\u2014I\u2019ve often wondered whether Lori is aware that sometimes women have higher sex drives than men\u2014or that women have sex drives at all. I finally found an answer to my question. In one post, she referenced such relationships and linked to an old post on her former blog platform titled Women Who Have Higher Sex Drives<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Several women have asked me about a situation where they have higher sex drives than their husbands. Since I have never experienced this, I wasn\u2019t sure how to mentor them. Thejoyfilledwife had this problem in her marriage and gave a wonderful comment on one of my posts. So if any of you struggle with this issue, this should be able to help you.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Honestly, I have gotten the feeling from Lori\u2019s posts that she does not know that women even have<\/em> sex drives\u2014consider the way she talks about women \u201cgiving\u201d their boyfriends sex and then \u201cselfishly\u201d withholding sex within marriage, as though there is no reason a woman might ever<\/em> want to have sex. So it\u2019s handy for her, when someone started raising questions she may intuitively see as impossible, that someone left a comment on her blog that she was able to post rather than grabbling with the question herself.<\/p>\n

Just what does The Joy Filled Wife say about this issue? (Bear in mind that The Joy Filled Wife is responding not to Lori, but to the person commenting on Lori\u2019s blog with her question; in other words, any time The Joy Filled Wife says \u201cyou\u201d she\u2019s referring to the other commenter, not to Lori.)<\/p>\n

If there\u2019s anyone on this board who can relate to the subject you\u2019re asking about, it\u2019s me. To put it plainly, I have an unusually high sex drive for a woman. My husband is a bit older than I am, and he has a naturally high sex drive as well, but I am even higher than he is. Maybe twice over. And this is not a result of exposure to anything or a byproduct of promiscuity.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Wait, what? A byproduct of promiscuity?<\/p>\n

I was a virgin when we married and was not exposed to all of the garbage that most people are growing up with. It\u2019s just the way I\u2019m wired.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Phew. She admits that you can just be wired this way.<\/p>\n

This leads me to a question, though. If promiscuity results in women having a high sex drive, and men as an almost absolute have high sex drives and want sex all the time, couldn\u2019t you make the argument that women will be better, more responsive wives if they dabble in some promiscuity, on the sly like, before marriage? After all, Lori says women better fake it even if they aren\u2019t feeling it\u2014wouldn\u2019t it be easier for all involved if they were<\/em> feeling it? In other words, if promiscuity before marriage makes one all responsive in<\/em> marriage\u2014while most women are cold fish\u2014might promiscuity before marriage make you a better wife?<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s a question worth asking.<\/p>\n

Although it\u2019s worth noting that no,\u00a0it does not work this way.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Anyway, back to The Joy Filled Wife:<\/p>\n

To add to it all, my husband is most desirous in the early morning and I\u2019m most tired at that time, especially if I\u2019ve been up several times that night with our little one and their night terrors. I do best in the afternoon and especially evening. He is usually busy in the afternoon and is very tired by nighttime. Our energy and desire levels are almost never matching at the same time, but that\u2019s usually the case in marriages.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This is the kind of thing that merits a conversation. I know my own husband and I have sometimes changed certain practices\u2014making a no cell phones in bed rule, or moving the time we get in bed up\u2014to accommodate our love life. But that requires\u00a0communicating\u00a0<\/em>about these things. It also requires both of us listening to each other and each taking the others\u2019 needs and desires seriously.<\/p>\n

As you probably know, my husband had a former porn addiction<\/a>. He also was very promiscuous prior to becoming a believer. Once he was saved, he was not with anyone sexually until our wedding night, but his porn addiction was growing behind the scenes.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The Joy Filled Wife eventually explains that once her husband kicks his porn addiction, he ends up with a sex drive as high as hers, and all the problems go away. I have a problem with this portrayal because it seems to suggest that if your sex drive is higher than your husband\u2019s,\u00a0there is a problem with your husband.\u00a0<\/em>This is not always the case. Not every man is wired identically.<\/p>\n

If you teach women to think that men are horny lust-monsters, and they marry a man who isn\u2019t, they will think that something must be wrong with them\u2014or with their husband. This is not healthy.<\/p>\n

You can imagine how hard it was for me having to deal with his lack of interest in sex, especially being that I already had a higher sex drive than him. When you desire intimacy twice a day and are denied sexually for up to a month at a time\u2026to say that it was hard to deal with would be an understatement. In order to cope with this, while at the same time trying to \u201cwin him without a word\u201d<\/i>\u2026every night, after my husband fell asleep, I would work out hard in the next room to release as much of that energy as possible. Then I would spend hours in the Word and prayer so that I would not fall into temptation.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Is it just me, or does \u201cfall into temptation\u201d read like \u201cmasturbate\u201d? I\u2019m going to go out on a limb here and guess that Lori and her followers are likely completely and totally against masturbation. I don\u2019t think this is that shaky of a limb, either, given that far-more-mainstream Josh Harris argued that masturbating even within marriage was\u00a0cheating on your spouse.\u00a0<\/em>Look, masturbation is not a replacement for sex, but it can be super handy when one partner is horny and the other is exhausted or otherwise not into it.<\/p>\n

The Joy Filled Wife never mentions the possibility of masturbating (except perhaps with her reference to \u201ctemptation\u201d). Instead, she says she would go into the other room and work out hard\u2014she later specifies that she would do cardio\u2014to \u201crelease as much of that energy as possible.\u201d She earlier said her husband was most interested in sex in the morning, when she was most tired, so this seems counterproductive\u2014wouldn\u2019t staying up late exercising while her husband sleeps contribute to her early-morning exhaustion?<\/p>\n

The Joy Filled wife finishes by giving a series of suggestions:<\/p>\n

1. My first question is how often are you and your husband having sex? Every man\u2019s sex drive is different and I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve ever come across a married couple whose sex drive was identical. Some men like to have sex every day, some a few times a week, some once a week. If a husband is going longer than that without wanting it {and provided he\u2019s not getting up there in years}, then there may be something up. Are you asking him for it and he\u2019s refusing? Or are you not asking him for it, but he\u2019s only initiating infrequently?<\/p>\n

Oddly, this suggestion seems to be an acknowledgement of a lack of communication. If your husband is going for weeks without initiating sex, her question is whether he knows you\u2019ve wanted<\/em> sex\u2014whether you\u2019ve tried initiating it. Whether you\u2019ve told him<\/em> you\u2019re interested. There\u2019s an inconsistency between this and Lori\u2019s teachings, though, in that men\u2014Lori seems to suggest\u2014will be horny and interested no matter what. In fact, I suspect Lori wouldn\u2019t be as nice as The Joy Filled Wife is being here\u2014she might ask whether you\u2019ve done anything, even unintentionally, to make your husband afraid to approach you for sex.<\/p>\n

2. Secondly, there is a myriad of reasons that a husband may not be wanting sex very often. You [the initial commenter] named many of them, such as porn use, medical issue, E.D., and the like. Some of the biggest contributors are stress, depression, or tension in the relationship, such as a husband feeling very disrespected by his wife. He may not even say that he feels disrespected, and some men don\u2019t even pinpoint it, but it can make them feel a lack of desire toward her. Could this be the case in your marriage? We should always examine our hearts and be willing to ask our husbands if we could be treating them better and how.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\u2026such as a husband\u00a0feeling very disrespected by his wife\u2026<\/i><\/p>\n

Lovely.<\/p>\n

If your husband isn\u2019t into you, The Joy Filled Wife says, you need to ask whether it\u2019s your fault because\u00a0you\u2019ve been a bad wife.\u00a0<\/i>Certainly, conflict in a marriage can create problems for a couple\u2019s love life, but that\u2019s not really what we\u2019re talking about here. The Joy Filled Wife does not ask \u201care there conflicts in your marriage?\u201d or suggest marriage counseling. She says \u201cdoes he feel disrespected by you\u201d and suggests asking your husband if you can treat them better, and how.<\/p>\n

Also, as sensitive a subject as it may be, I also encourage wives to make sure they are taking care of themselves. Shower, dress up a little nicer, do your hair, and put on a little makeup before your husband comes home from work. If you haven\u2019t been taking care of your body by eating right and exercising, start doing that daily. Most husbands don\u2019t care if their wives don\u2019t look like supermodels. They just want to know that they are trying their best to be attractive to them. This, coupled with being more flirtatious, respectful, and fun, will usually go a long way.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Look, I\u2019m all for spicing things up! But being all flirty and dressing special\u00a0because you want more sex than you\u2019re getting and can\u2019t figure out any way to get it\u00a0<\/em>feels problematic to me\u2014at least, combined with the lack of any suggestion of\u00a0actual communication.\u00a0<\/em>Especially when, if you\u2019re not getting the intimacy you want, you won\u2019t necessarily know the reason for this<\/em> unless you actually bring it up and talk about it<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Spicing things up when your husband hasn\u2019t been interested in intimacy because he\u2019s going through a really stressful situation at work and coming home exhausted and interested in nothing but bed isn\u2019t going to help anything. In fact, it might make him feel even worse<\/em>. You have to communicate about things like this.<\/p>\n

3. If your husband is a believer and he is denying you intimacy, appeal to him from a Biblical perspective in a respectful way. If he is not a believer, appeal to him as your husband. Tell him your desires and need for closeness. Use descriptive words to let him know how much you want to be close to him. Say it respectfully and tell him how hard it is for you when you aren\u2019t regularly intimate \u2026 that you don\u2019t want to have a wandering mind and desire that all of your affections and desires be aimed at, and fulfilled, by him alone. Make sure you are respectful in your delivery because, sometimes, men have physical issues that they are embarrassed about and they are too ashamed to articulate them.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This is the closest to actually good advice in this entire post. All the being \u201crespectful\u201d that\u2019s peppered in, though, makes me feel like women in these relationships must be constantly on pins and needles in how they can approach their husbands. Also, if a couple has a good, healthy relationship, each partner should be able to talk to each other about things they are ashamed of. Sure, it\u2019s not always easy. But in a strong relationship, you know your partner has your back. This whole hiding things and feeling shame within marriage suggests to me that these marriages aren\u2019t on the best footing.<\/p>\n

And again, there\u2019s no mention of something like marital counseling. Of course, maybe that\u2019s a good thing, since any mention of counseling would likely be accompanied by insistence on a Christian marriage counselor, and the advice these individuals give can sometimes be pretty terrible.<\/p>\n

4. If your husband is not a believer and refuses to have sex with you \u2026<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

What if he is<\/em> a believer and refuses to listen to you?<\/p>\n

\u2026 along with all of my suggestions above, I am going to recommend that you develop some of the habits that I did when my husband denied me regularly. When you are feeling sad or rejected, go into the other room and workout hard. Do cardio and strength training. Get your body moving and expel energy. This can do a world of good for your mood and for releasing what is built up. Secondly, and most importantly, pray, pray, pray, and spend time in the Word. Seek the Lord\u2019s help \u2026 ask Him to draw near to you, to fill the void you feel, and to help you become more like Christ. Pray for your husband\u2019s salvation.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Maybe the fear here isn\u2019t just falling prey to masturbation, but also the possibility of cheating? In The Joy Filled Woman\u2019s post, there seems to be a lot of acknowledgement that women have sexual needs too, something Lori often seems to completely deny\u2014or at least be unaware of\u2014in her posts.<\/p>\n

There is not a one-size-fits-all answer for every scenario, but my final recommendation will help, no matter the reasons for the disconnect. Please know that I truly know how it feels. I cried myself to sleep many nights as I dealt with this same void in my relationship with my husband. Praise be to God, He is able to heal! Once my husband began to overcome his addiction, things completely turned around in this area. Now, just as I had been an example to him by never refusing him, he now will often ask me if I need him intimately at that moment, even though I can tell he is extremely tired. We reap what we sow, dear sister. Don\u2019t lose hope. God is truly able to heal even the most neglected marriages.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I told you this was coming. Her husband couldn\u2019t possibly be simply wired<\/em> to have a lower sex drive. I feel for men who actually have lower sex drives and are married to women reading Lori\u2019s blog\u2014with their wives reading things like this, these poor men are going to be constantly suspected of porn addiction, even if they just naturally have lower sex drives than other men<\/em>. Meanwhile, other women will become convinced that they simply aren\u2019t attractive, or that there\u2019s something wrong with them<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Is simply talking it through really so hard?<\/p>\n

I have a <\/b>Patreon<\/b><\/a>! Please support my writing!\u00a0<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When looking at posts by patriarchal blogger Lori Alexander—in which she berates women for not joyfully hopping in bed every time their husbands so much as incline a finger—I’ve often wondered whether Lori is aware that sometimes women have higher sex drives than men—or that women have sex drives at all.<\/p>\n

Click through to read more!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":43695,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[40,25],"tags":[105,894],"class_list":["post-43608","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-evangelicalism-fundamentalism","category-christian-patriarchy","tag-sex-2","tag-sex-drive"],"yoast_head":"\nFundigelical Advice for Women with Higher Sex Drives<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"When looking at posts by patriarchal blogger Lori Alexander, I've often wondered whether Lori is aware that sometimes women have higher sex drives than men---or that women have sex drives at all.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" 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