As the world falls to pieces around us, some things remain constant. Lori Alexander, for instance. The patriarchal blogger has posted a list of Homemaking Tips for Young Wives<\/a>, gleaned from the women in the chat room she runs.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s have a look at some of these, shall we?<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t expect your husband to do half of all the household chores. Plan that you are responsible for housework and be grateful when your husband helps you. Entitlement leads to disappointment and conflict. If you assume it\u2019s your job, you will feel gratitude for the help rather than checking to see if he did all of his half.\u201d (Lindsay)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Talk about setting the bar low! If you don\u2019t expect your husband to ever help you with anything,\u00a0of course\u00a0<\/em>you\u2019ll be surprised and gratified if he does! How kind of him, to be a decent human being! Wow!<\/p>\n Maybe try not having such low expectations of your husband?<\/p>\n The thing about advice like this is that it mixes the bad with some not so bad. People see the not so bad, and they think it\u2019s reasonable, and accept the whole thing, including the bad. What am I talking about? I\u2019ll explain with a story.<\/p>\n During the early years of my marriage, my husband and I agreed to take turns washing the dishes. I did them one night, he did them the next. The problem was that he frequently didn\u2019t do them.<\/em>\u00a0Somehow we fell into a system where I and only I did the dishes. When we discussed it, he\u2019d cite something like a dish drainer system he didn\u2019t like. But if we fixed that, he still didn\u2019t do the dishes<\/em>. And that made me frustrated! Because he was supposed to do the dishes!<\/p>\n The thing is, though,\u00a0I don\u2019t actually mind washing\u00a0dishes.\u00a0<\/i>Sure, it\u2019s a pain! But if you line up all the chores, well, I\u2019d rather do that than laundry, or cleaning the bathroom! So finally, after years of built up frustration over the dishes, I proposed to my husband that I be the one who does the dishes, and asked if there was a different chore he\u2019d like to own, since he clearly<\/em> did not like doing the dishes. We made a list, and he picked laundry, which, it turns out, is a chore he<\/em> doesn\u2019t mind, much like I don\u2019t actually mind doing the dishes.<\/p>\n So here I am, today, washing all the dishes myself, but unlike the early days of my marriage, I\u2019m not frustrated by it at all! The solution, though, wasn\u2019t to set the bar for my husband so low that anything he did at all would be a special surprise. No, the solution was\u00a0communication. <\/i>And collaboration\u00a0and cooperation and compromise!<\/p>\n One thing I\u2019m learned in general is that if I\u2019m constantly being frustrated by something\u2014my children\u2019s inability to hang up their coats, for instance\u2014I have two options. I can try to get the behavior to change, or I can change the conditions within which the behavior occurs. The coats, for instance. I finally asked my kids why they were apparently incapable of hanging up their coats, and they pointed out that the child-level coat hooks were under the adult coats, and hard for them to reach. They were right! I moved their hooks and their behavior improved.<\/p>\n I mean, do they still leave their coats on the floor? Yes. They\u2019re children. We\u2019re working on it. But do they leave their coats on the floor as often? No, they do not! Making their hooks easier for them to access had changed the background in which they operate and affected their choices. When I\u2019m getting frustrated with a behavior I don\u2019t like, whether it\u2019s my husband or my children, I try to ask why<\/em> it\u2019s happening. Sometimes changing the background in which the behavior takes place is enough. Sometimes it\u2019s not, and in that case we go back to communication<\/em>.<\/p>\n But we\u2019re getting a bit far afield here! Let\u2019s return to Lori\u2019s post.<\/p>\n \u201cHave a written daily list of chores to do. Make a separate list of deep cleaning items and rotate through them regularly. Do laundry at least once a week and up to daily as your family grows. Find the most frugal ways to do everything you do.\u201d (Debbie)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n I have no problem with this one.<\/p>\n \u201cIf you see something that needs to be done, do it right away! Have a place for everything and teach everyone to put everything in its place. Make beds every single morning. Teach your children to make their beds. It makes the room appear cleaner and instills the daily discipline which translates into other areas. Plan meals ahead to save money on groceries, ensure you don\u2019t waste food, and cuts down on the grocery bill\/eating out. You will eat much healthier this way too!\u201d (Danielle)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Again, cool! This one is great advice!<\/p>\n It strikes me again that one reason patriarchal writers like Lori gain an audience is by mixing genuinely good advice in with very, very bad advice.<\/p>\n \u201cDo all things for the glory of God and respect your husband.\u201d (Nancy)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Uhhh \u2026 see what I mean?<\/p>\n \u201cAs the great Elizabeth Elliott has wisely said, \u2018Do the next thing.\u2019 Don\u2019t focus on all your tasks, just do the next thing.\u201d (Jennifer)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n And with that, we\u2019re back to good advice!<\/p>\n \u201cMake your home as lovely as you can afford while keeping it simple and minimal. This will help make cleaning and keeping it tidy manageable.\u201d (Beth)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Cool! (Although I do wonder how advice like this will make those whose homes don\u2019t live up to this standard feel. Maybe it\u2019ll give them ideas or motivation, but it could also be just plain discouraging.)<\/p>\n \u201cGreet your hubby with a cheerful heart and kiss as soon as he walks in the door no matter how hard and busy your day has been.\u201d (Yrena)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n So, full confession, I actually try to do this, for both my husband and for my kids when they return from school. But I don\u2019t see it as fake. No matter how busy or hard my day has been (including my paying gigs!), I\u2019m always genuinely happy to see them. So, I set aside what I\u2019m doing for a moment, and I greet them with a smile! It\u2019s not about fakery. And guess what? They generally have a smile for me too!<\/p>\n \u201cBe in a constant state of decluttering. It\u2019ll prevent things from becoming overwhelming. Go through the mail daily and throw out the junk and extra envelopes and what not. Take ten minutes to straighten the linen closet before it becomes a black hole that ends up taking hours to reorganize. Find joy and freedom in minimalism.\u201d (Brook)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Man, I wish I took this advice more to heart than I do. I do try. But the clutter, is it ever<\/em> an unrelenting despot!<\/p>\n \u201cBelieve, study, and apply God\u2019s truths on the importance of homemaking (not being idle, attitude\/temperament, being a wise woman, etc.) On the days that I don\u2019t feel like homemaking, remembering God\u2019s word helps me to stay the course!\u201d (Nisha)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n I \u2026 okay. Yoga can help too. Or turning on some upbeat music. Or a warm cup of tea with a scoop of sugar. Or some quiet relaxation and meditation. While Nisha\u2019s suggestion here may work for women who view the Bible as a guide, it also risks injecting guilt. We all have down days, days where things just don\u2019t go as planned, days when we can\u2019t get out of a funk. Sometimes we need a day to just chill. Injecting guilt over \u201cidleness\u201d sounds unhelpful.<\/p>\n I\u2019m pretty sure there are also Bible verses about resting.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen you get something out and when you\u2019re done, put it away. When you do the laundry, as soon as it\u2019s dry, fold it and put it away. When you get home from the grocery store, put the groceries away. A non-junky house is much easier to clean.\u201d (Rebecca)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n While this is definitely something I aspire to, it\u2019s a work in progress. So much of this advice is good advice, but also somehow \u2026 obvious? Like, thank you, you have identified my problem! The solution is harder to implement.<\/p>\n \u201cStay home. Be a keeper AT home. You already have a job in the home. You don\u2019t need one outside of the home.\u201d (Stephanie)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Annnnnd back to this.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not a wife yet, so I will mention something my father said once to me. He said that he was always happy to come home, because he was greeted by children running to him to welcome him home. My mother was usually in the kitchen already, putting on the finishing touches on supper. They always kissed after we kids finished greeting father. My mother would help by calling out, \u2018Daddy\u2019s home!\u2019 if we kids got too distracted to hear him walk in. We kids literally dropped whatever we were doing to run and greet him! He said he loved going straight home after work!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Do you know what I realized some while ago? This is true for kids coming home from school, too! In fact, it\u2019s true for anyone coming home after being away! We all<\/em> like being treated by the people we love. We all<\/em> like having a treat waiting. My husband brings me coffee in the mornings, and even though he\u2019s been doing it for a long time, it still makes me smile. I feel seen, cared about, and appreciated. We all like to be seen, cared about, and appreciated.<\/p>\n \u201cMy father also said he had coworkers who literally did things like going to bars to avoid going home to chaos, messy homes, loud children, grouchy or indifferent wives, etc. In other words, it was not pleasant to go home.\u201d (Genevieve)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n