{"id":48998,"date":"2020-07-03T05:00:03","date_gmt":"2020-07-03T09:00:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=48998"},"modified":"2020-07-01T23:57:00","modified_gmt":"2020-07-02T03:57:00","slug":"island-of-aquarius-dr-coopers-very-very-manly-macho-masculinity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2020\/07\/island-of-aquarius-dr-coopers-very-very-manly-macho-masculinity.html","title":{"rendered":"Island of Aquarius: Dr. Cooper’s Very Very Manly Macho Masculinity"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Escape from the Island of Aquarius, pp. 117-128<\/strong><\/p>\n

Just to clear something up\u2014I looked back at the section where Lila was prepared for the sacrifice, and it says she put the dress on over her hiking fatigues. This means she\u2019s still wearing clothes after the giant snake rips her white ceremonial gown off. This was somewhat unclear last week. Oops!<\/p>\n

Anyway, Lila is running through the jungle with The Dude, who just rescued her from the jaws of the giant snake in the ceremonial pit. Meanwhile, her father and brother and the Real Adam MacKenzie are climbing through lava tubes on their way to the sacrificial pit, battling earthquakes as they climb through the island, in attempt to rescue the already-rescued Lila.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think I see daylight,\u201d said Adam.<\/p>\n

The three of them hurried toward it, and then froze.<\/p>\n

A long slithering tail with thick, leathery skin lay in the tunnel like a huge log.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Whoops<\/em>. They got to the sacrificial pit\u00a0after\u00a0<\/i>the giant snake did. Moments after this, the snake\u2019s tail disappears, only to be replaced with its head.<\/p>\n

The snake\u2019s enormous, ugly dinosaur-head passed by them, blood still apparent on the jaws as the monster slithered down into the depths of the quaking island.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The snake ate the meat, which the Coopers and the Real MacKenzie naturally think was Lila\u2014and when the Coopers head to the pit after the snake exits (they hide in a nook as it goes by, and it apparently cannot smell them), they find the white dress\u2014and Lila\u2019s necklace.<\/p>\n

There is no description of Lila losing a necklace, but ok. I\u2019ll buy it. The point is, they have proof that this was Lila, and not some random other sacrifice.<\/p>\n

Let me pause for a moment to say that the section that follows this has two purposes: First, to establish that revenge is never, ever, ever an okay motive for a Christian; and Second, to establish that Dr. Cooper is a manly macho badass who totally\u00a0could\u00a0<\/em>avenge his daughter if he weren\u2019t, you know,\u00a0a good Christian.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Dr. Cooper folded the little gown once, twice, again, gathering it up in his trembling hands. He held it close to his chest, and then he just stood there, motionless, for a long time.<\/p>\n

\u201cDad \u2026\u201d Jay tried to say, but his throat was so dry and his voice so weak he could hardly get it out. \u201cWe don\u2019t really know.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dr. Cooper stood there, motionless and silent.<\/p>\n

From deep below, the rumbling started again. The earth quivered a little.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The Real MacKenzie tries to bring Jacob out of his frozen state, reminding him that the island is collapsing and they don\u2019t have much time.<\/p>\n

\u201cJacob, we must try to warn these people. We must try to save them. We must do it, Jacob.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Jay says the people \u201cdon\u2019t deserve it\u201d and the Real MacKenzie responds that \u201cGod loves them\u201d and that \u201che saved us<\/em>\u201d when \u201cwe<\/em> didn\u2019t deserve it.\u201d Because you know, being selfish sometimes or going off on your sister when you\u2019re stressed is totally<\/em> the same as murdering someone.<\/p>\n

Jay says the Real MacKenzie is only saying this because he\u2019s a missionary, which, yes! Good point, Jay! This is how Peretti writes missionaries\u2014they\u2019re little more than cardboard cutouts that spew Bible verses.<\/p>\n

Suddenly Dr. Cooper came alive again, drawing a deep breath and looking all around the walls. \u201cWe\u2019ll have to form a human ladder to get out of here. Between the three of us we should be able to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n

But Adam saw something in Dr. Cooper\u2019s eyes that he greatly feared. \u201cJacob, are you all right?\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Dr. Jacob Cooper is not<\/em> alright.<\/p>\n

While he doesn\u2019t say so directly, it\u2019s clear from the way this is written that we\u2019re to believe Dr. Cooper has suddenly become very, very<\/em> dangerous. He\u2019s out for blood.\u00a0Kelno\u2019s\u00a0<\/em>blood. He\u2019s out to avenge his daughter.<\/p>\n

\u201cJacob,\u201d Adam said, his voice full of concern, \u201care you sure about your motives?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s get going!\u201d Dr. Cooper answered, thumbing the hammer and turning the chambers on his gun.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Meanwhile, Lila is \u201cfollowing the massive Polynesian\u201d through the jungle. They ultimately arrive at the half-submerged village and stop.\u00a0This broken English when everyone else has complete mastery of English is really getting to me. And what the heck is this \u201cMee-Bwah\u201d thing?<\/p>\n

\u201cMee-Bwah!\u201d he said, and then pointed to his heart.<\/p>\n

Lila understood that right away, and she wondered \u2026 \u201cYou \u2026 you know\u00a0Jesus?\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cMee-Bwah!\u201d he said, poking the palms of his hands to imitate nail wounds and then pressing his palms together as if praying. \u201cJesus! Mee-Bwah!\u201d<\/p>\n

Lila could not believe it. She could feel the joy washing over her! \u201cCandle, you really know Jesus?\u201d<\/p>\n

He nodded, and then said, \u201cAdam.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam? You mean, Adam MacKenzie?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam, he Mee-Bwah.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAdam is a Christian?\u201d Lila pointed at the cross in the dirt to make sure she was following what Candle was saying. Candle nodded with a big smile.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

What the hell.<\/p>\n

What does Mee-Bwah mean??<\/em><\/p>\n

It doesn\u2019t seem to mean \u201cJesus.\u201d It might mean \u201cChristian,\u201d but if so, why? The Real MacKenzie isn\u2019t the kind of person to have any problem teaching native populations the English words for terms like \u201cChristian.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut where is Adam MacKenzie? Is he dead?\u201d<\/p>\n

Candle shook his head. \u201cNo! No dead! Adam \u2026\u201d Candle ran out of words, and started scratching out a picture in the dirt.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Somehow, painfully, The Dude makes Lila understand that Adam went through the whirlpool, like her father and brother, and survived. Lila realizes that this means her father and brother may also<\/em> be alive. Lila \u201cfelt like she was going into shock again,\u201d which seems accurate.<\/p>\n

Anyway, after this The Dude shows Lila around the submerged village; he has filled the huts with supplies stolen from the Cult Village, but also supplies from the Coopers\u2019 boat\u2014including all of their explosives. \u201cNo burn,\u201d The Dude says of the Coopers\u2019 supplies.<\/p>\n

(Kelno burned the Coopers\u2019 boat, remember.)<\/p>\n

Lila was awestruck. She closed her eyes and said, \u201cThank you, Lord. You\u2019ve answered my prayer.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMee-Bwah,\u201d said Candle, looking heavenward.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

If you think it\u2019s odd that this reaction and exchange comes when\u00a0Lila finds out The Dude saved their stuff and not after she finds out that her father and brother might still be alive, that makes two of you.<\/p>\n

Back in the Cult Village, the people are getting nervous\u2014the quakes didn\u2019t cease with Lila\u2019s sacrifice as Kelno had sworn they would (what exactly was Kelno\u2019s end game here?). So when Jay comes up the path to the Cult Village the two guards think they\u2019re seeing a ghost, and freeze. That gives Dr. Cooper and the Real MacKenzie time to jump them, thereby opening access to the Cult Village. Which is where they\u2019re going. To warn the people, or so the Real MacKenzie thinks. That\u2019s not Dr. Cooper\u2019s plan, though.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s lots of statements here about how \u201ccold and determined\u201d Dr. Cooper\u2019s eyes were and such like. Dr. Cooper is about to go rogue<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Very<\/em> rogue.<\/p>\n

We now come to the section where I have literally written in the margin \u201cTeam America! F*ck Yeah!\u201d Because, I mean, that really was my first though. Seriously<\/em>.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re going to do this with gifs. Because we\u2019re going to need them. Badly.<\/p>\n

Like a bullet from a rifle, like a cougar pouncing on its prey, Dr. Cooper shot across the village square and bounded up the cottage steps before either sentry could even realize what was happening.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

https:\/\/giphy.com\/gifs\/hiding-hide-embarased-do8MAY6CkoXsc<\/a><\/p>\n

One thug managed to grab his rifle, but a powerful hand rammed into him and flung his whole body against the wall. He was out of the game.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

https:\/\/giphy.com\/gifs\/justin-g-run-away-fast-3o7ZetIsjtbkgNE1I4<\/a><\/p>\n

The other sentry only had time to take one step forward before a boot caught him in the center of the chest and propelled him over the rail.<\/p>\n

Two down.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

The cottage door burst open, tearing the hinges loose.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

<\/p>\n

The bodyguard in the living room only saw a blur that dove into his stomach like a torpedo punching him backward over a couch and through the rear window. He was out.<\/p>\n

Three down.\u00a0<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

https:\/\/giphy.com\/gifs\/gottalentglobal-j5QjnvhyKI8LM0tXK3<\/a><\/p>\n

Kelno\u2019s two personal bodyguards came bursting out of his private chambers. They were ready. One had his revolver drawn.<\/p>\n

Boom! Dr. Cooper fired first with a blinding flash, and the gun went flying from the guard\u2019s hand. A boot hit the guard in the chest like a battering ram, and the other guard got a rib-cracking fist.<\/p>\n

Five down.\u00a0<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

<\/p>\n

OMG. What. What is happening. Just. What. I. I can\u2019t.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

In his chambers, Stuart Kelno jumped up from his breakfast. \u201cWhat\u2019s\u2014who are you?\u201d<\/p>\n

The mad invader took hold of the breakfast table and flipped it up, spattering Kelno\u2019s meal all over him and pinning him against the wall with a clatter of breaking dishes and a splintering of wood. An iron fist clamped onto Kelno\u2019s collar so he could not move, and then there was an ominous click.<\/p>\n

Stuart Kelno was looking down the barrel of a cocked 357 Magnum, and right behind that barrel were the cold blue eyes of a very deadly, very angry, very unkillable enemy.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

https:\/\/giphy.com\/gifs\/season-1-netflix-stranger-things-l0MYF44K8NgPSYwRa<\/a><\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure I can go on. This section was one of the wildest things I\u2019ve read in this entire series. There are other sections like this\u2014plenty! But none that I am aware of lean so hard<\/em> into personifying Dr. Cooper\u2019s body parts.<\/p>\n

And like. Everything else going on here.<\/p>\n

Kelno was speechless and visibly terrified. He could only stare and tremble, gasping for each breath, his eyes glued to those cold eyes.<\/p>\n

The animal holding him did not say a word and did not loosen its grip for what seemed like eternity.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

We\u2019ve spent time inside Dr. Cooper\u2019s head. To go from that to this is\u00a0just weird.\u00a0<\/em>We\u2019re on the outside looking in now, and Peretti is describing Dr. Cooper as an \u201canimal\u201d and referring to him as \u201cit.\u201d It\u2019s\u00a0weird.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cAre you\u2026\u201d Kelno struggled to say, \u201care you back from the dead, Jacob Cooper?\u201d<\/p>\n

The big fist tightened its grip and a growling voice said, \u201cWhere is my daughter?\u201d<\/p>\n

Kelno knew he had no acceptable answer for that . \u201cYou\u2014you are a Christian! You cannot kill me in cold blood!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy daughter!\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou cannot kill me!\u201d<\/p>\n

Dr. Cooper lifted Kelno right off his feet with a powerful arm. \u201cI can, Stuart Kelno. Right now, more than ever, I most certainly can.\u201d<\/p>\n

Kelno believed he was about to die.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Kelno was not, in fact, about to die.<\/p>\n

But then, as if Dr. Cooper had been startled by his own words, the cold, fierce eyes mellowed and the grip loosened just a little. The look of anger on Dr. Cooper\u2019s face melted into an expression fo deep sorrow. A silent, terror-frozen moment passed, and then, with a mournful sigh, eh turned the barrel of the gun safely away and returned the hammer to rest. He slipped the 357 back into its holster.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not going to kill me?\u201d Kelno asked, starting to feel relieved.<\/p>\n

Dr. Cooper could not answer right away. He was too disturbed by his own actions.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This is how Peretti can make his main character into a James Bond action figure\u00a0and also\u00a0<\/em>ensure that he stays a good Christian. Dr. Cooper\u00a0could have\u00a0<\/em>avenged his daughter. He wanted<\/em> to, and he absolutely<\/em> had the means to. He\u2019s a manly ninja badass! He could have taken Kelno\u00a0out!\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

But, Jesus<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\u00a0Okay, that\u2019s it. I\u2019m calling it here. Now go back and reread that whole section, except this time, read it out loud to whoever you\u2019re social distancing with\u2014because,\u00a0damn.\u00a0<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

I have a <\/b>Patreon<\/b><\/a>! Please support my writing!\u00a0<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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