Did you know that it is very very important to remember and to repeat ad nauseam that George Floyd, who was brutally murdered by police in late May, had a criminal record? I hope you didn\u2019t, because that is actually\u00a0not relevant at all.\u00a0<\/em>But if I were to listen to my white evangelical relatives, I\u2019d have to conclude that Floyd\u2019s criminal record was in fact the most<\/em> important thing about the whole affair. The\u00a0most\u00a0<\/em>important.<\/p>\n When you think about it, this is an odd position to hold, for people who claim membership in a religion that values, above all else, forgiveness<\/em>. It\u2019s also an odd position to hold, for people who claim to believe in freedom, and to abhor the idea of living in a police state, where people have no liberties and the state is always in the right.<\/p>\n I have been told by some readers think I express too much surprise at moments like this. Didn\u2019t I already know that white evangelicals are like this? They\u2019ve been doing this kind of thing for decades! I mean good god,<\/em> it was white evangelicals who harangued civil rights leaders and yelled at black children trying to integrate their schools!<\/p>\n Yes. Absolutely. All of this is true.<\/p>\n And yet somehow this still feels like a gut punch.<\/p>\n Maybe it\u2019s because when I was growing up, the racism I was exposed to had a more muted tone. It was more covert, less stated outright. I don\u2019t remember how my white evangelical relatives responded to the Rodney King riots in 1992; I was only a small child at the time, and we didn\u2019t have a TV. Or maybe it all just went over my head.<\/p>\n Maybe it\u2019s because I grew up with relatives who loved me and showed me kindness\u2014and even in cases where they didn\u2019t (because families are complicated), they were still my family. I want them to be good people<\/em>. I\u2019ve seen them be good people. And isn\u2019t that how we so often think of it? That there are good<\/em> people, and bad<\/em> people? So what does that mean, exactly? My categories stop working and my brain gets all gummed up, trying to sort it out.<\/p>\n Or maybe it\u2019s because I was taught that we, as political conservatives, believed in liberty and freedom and small government and all these other things that the current conservative alignment with totalitarian police forces are putting a lie to. Maybe it\u2019s because I didn\u2019t see<\/em> the lie, then. I believed the idealism. I thought it was real<\/em>. I believed\u00a0with all my heart\u00a0<\/em>in something I now see to be a blatant, abject lie. How does one make sense of that?<\/p>\n Realizing that the core of what you were taught growing up was a lie, and at the same time being hit with the reality that your relatives can be good, and kind, and loving toward you<\/em>\u2014and then turn around and in effect\u00a0wish death on others\u2014<\/em>it\u2019s\u00a0the sort of shock you don\u2019t quickly get over. Or at least I<\/em> haven\u2019t. I feel like I\u2019ve been living this shock every day, in progressive, worsening stages, for over a decade now. Every time I think it can\u2019t get worse, it does! And because, god help me, I can\u2019t help loving them\u2014they are my family, after all\u2014I felt it every time.<\/p>\n This is not about white tears. I may sometimes feel<\/em> like I\u2019ve been punched in the gut, but I have Black friends who have<\/em>\u00a0literally been punched in the gut\u2014by police. I may feel a twisting pain inside when my relatives send me yet another article or video baked in layers of racism, but I have friends who feel a twisting pain inside when their black adolescent sons leave the house\u2014and fear that they won\u2019t come back alive. It is not<\/em> the same.<\/p>\n My pain feels little, and unimportant. Irrelevant, even.<\/p>\n I also always\u00a0push back. I don\u2019t let my relatives send me things like this, like that Candace Owens video dismissing George Floyd\u2019s death because he had a criminal record,<\/em>\u00a0without sounding off a thorough rebuttal in response\u2014even if I have to practice some deep breathing to lower my blood pressure first. Even if the adrenaline ruins my entire evening. Pushing back\u2014telling my relatives that these views are\u00a0not\u00a0<\/em>okay\u2014is the absolute least<\/em> I can do.<\/p>\n It\u2019s true: I probably do express too much surprise, on this blog, at moments like these. I should have known. I should have seen it. I should have realized. I should not still be surprised by moments like this. But all of the \u201cshould have\u201d in the world can\u2019t master whatever element of psychology keeps me trapped here, wanting to believe better, wanting things to be different, only to find myself let down again, and again, and again.<\/p>\n Trust me\u2014I\u2019d like to make it stop!\u00a0I sometimes feel like I should have become inured to this pain by now.\u00a0But learning that you were lied to your entire childhood<\/em> is not something one gets over in a day. I was\u00a0a child.\u00a0<\/em>I was young, I was impressionable, I believed what I was told\u2014isn\u2019t that what children usually do, at least at first? We tell our children that the earth revolves around the sun, and they believe us. The trust of a child is such an incredible, profound thing. To take that trust and dashing it\u2014those scars don\u2019t just disappear.<\/p>\n Absolutely, I should see a therapist. That\u2019s no sarcasm in that either\u2014I should<\/em>. I haven\u2019t in a while, and I should. You would think that, after so many years, a single email or text message wouldn\u2019t have the power to send my blood pressure through the roof, to rob me of my ability to focus, on anything, for a whole evening. And yet, here I am. Still in this space. Still shocked by what I probably should have come to terms with long ago.<\/p>\n