Please introduce yourself before we get started. Are you married or unmarried? Are you in school, holding down a job, or staying home? Do you have children? What religious beliefs or lack thereof do you ascribe to today? Provide whatever additional information you like.<\/strong><\/p>\nI\u2019m Anne (aka quicksilverqueen). I\u2019m married to the most wonderful, loving guy anybody could ask for! I currently stay at home to take care of our daughter, but I\u2019m hoping to get a small photography business open in my area in the next few weeks. My husband and I are both agnostic.<\/p>\n
Question 2:\u00a0<\/strong>How did your parents first come under the influence of Christian Patriarchy\/Quiverfull teachings? What leaders did they follow and what publications did they receive?<\/strong><\/p>\nI think it was back when they decided to \u201clet God choose the size of their family\u201d and started reading Mary Pride\u2019s books \u201cThe Way Home\u201d and \u201cAll The Way Home\u201d. I\u2019ve never read them, I just know she claims to be a former feminist and those are the books my parents attribute to being responsible for their changing their minds on how many kids they wanted.<\/p>\n
Question 3:<\/strong>\u00a0In what ways was your family a \u201ctypical\u201d Christian Patriarchy\/Quiverfull family? In what ways was it \u201catypical\u201d?<\/strong><\/p>\nMy family was atypical because after I was about 15-16, we stopped \u201cgoing to church\u201d and my dad started leading a bible study in our home which lasted until I was 18. His beliefs align very much with Gothard (if Gothard had been OK with rock music and beards, we would have joined his cult), but to an even greater extreme in many cases\u2026we were spanked up into our 20\u2019s (dad liked to brag he would spank us on our wedding day if necessary), and I was completely shunned (think Amish) when I moved out.<\/p>\n
Part 2: Living the Life<\/h1>\n
Question 1:\u00a0<\/strong>What sort of a church did your family go to while you were growing up? Were the other families who attended the church also involved in the Christian Patriarchy\/Quiverfull movement?<\/strong><\/p>\nWhen I was young, we attended evangelical churches. After we moved when I was 12, we went to an Open Bible church (the one we went to was very laid back), and after leaving that church (the pastor\u2019s wife started insinuating my dad was more intimate with her than he actually was, so we left to not cause trouble), my dad started leading his own bible studies.<\/p>\n
Question 2:\u00a0<\/strong>In many ways, every Christian Patriarchy\/Quiverfull couple has a different dynamic. What sort of a dynamic did your parents have? Was one more sold on the Christian Patriarchy\/Quiverfull ideology than the other? Or, if you grew up in a broken family, how did this affect your experience?<\/strong><\/p>\nThey were physically affectionate in front of us all the time (my dad believes it\u2019s important for kids to see their parents like each other). My mom always said she was stupid though, and that my dad could say things better than she could. I sometimes wonder if dad wasn\u2019t in that garbage, if mom would have ever found her way in, but now regardless she is steeped in it and even runs a forum for moms on how to obey your husband\u2019s every whim, and raise your kids (with the rod liberally applied, of course). My dad went through a phase in my mid-teens where he would complain to me about my mom\u2026what she wasn\u2019t doing right around the house (and how I should pick up the slack), how he wished she would lose weight (so he bugged me a lot about my weight even though I was at a decent weight)\u2026stuff like that. Then somewhere along the line it was like a switch was flipped and he stopped doing that and instead would get really angry if he perceived someone had even implied anything slighting mom.<\/p>\n
Question 3:\u00a0<\/strong>How often did you, your siblings, and your parents read the Bible? Were you guided by your parents or pastors in how to interpret the Bible, especially certain passages, or were you generally free to form your own ideas about what the Bible said?<\/strong><\/p>\nBible reading was up to us for the most part (for a few years in my early teens, I read at least a chapter every day), until just a couple years ago when my super-patriarchal brother decided the rest of us needed to read our bibles more and got dad to give us reading assignments with prizes if we finished. We all read through the bible twice in a year or so using that method. By that point though, my view of the bible was already skewed by years of my dad\u2019s interpretations, so after I moved out, there were verses I didn\u2019t even recall reading because since they didn\u2019t fit my dad\u2019s agenda, they were basically skimmed over.<\/p>\n
Question 4:\u00a0<\/strong>What role did race play in the Christian Patriarchy\/Quiverfull community in which you grew up? Were there any black or Hispanic families? Were they treated differently?<\/strong><\/p>\nWhen my dad had his bible studies, my best friend was half black half white. My piano teacher was Japanese, and my dad had many Russian employees. Nobody was treated differently.<\/p>\n
Part 3: A Gendered Childhood<\/h1>\n
Question 1:\u00a0<\/strong>How many siblings did you grow up with? Did responsibilities in your family differ by gender, with the girls having certain chores and the boys having others? Explain.<\/strong><\/p>\nMostly I say I grew up with three brothers, because my sister was seven years younger than me, but I have 11 younger siblings. Responsibilities were very gender-oriented: while the boys did have kitchen chores, cooking was mainly the girls\u2019 responsibility (at one point my mom made a schedule which said the five oldest in turn made lunches through the week, but that ended up to be Anne make lunch on her day, nobody else make lunch on theirs), along with dishes, and the boys had jobs like clearing the table, sweeping the floor, and taking out the garbage. The boys did do laundry though (sorting\/putting away). After they turned 18 (or got a job, whichever came sooner), the boys stopped having to do kitchen chores so more of a burden was put on us girls.<\/p>\n
Question 2:\u00a0<\/strong>If you were an older daughter, do you feel that you were expected to play \u201cmother\u201d for your younger siblings? Explain.<\/strong><\/p>\nYes. I started helping with the little ones when I was seven and my sister was born, and when I was 12\/13, I had the then-baby in my room and I had to get up in the middle of the night and either take her to mom (when she was really young) or feed her a bottle myself and try to get her back to sleep. In my mid-teens was constantly blamed (and spanked) for not watching what the other kids were doing if they were in the same room, even though if mom was in the same room they would do the same things. My \u00a0dad would tell me he wanted me to do \u201cmore\u201d around the house, and when I dared ask him what more, he couldn\u2019t give me an answer but his suggestions were stuff like \u201chomeschool the kids\u201d, \u201cpick up for mom\u2019s slack\u201d, etc.<\/p>\n
After my second to last sister was born, my parents started the \u201cbuddy system\u201d and my next sister had the baby as her \u201cbuddy\u201d (I didn\u2019t have a buddy because they said I had taken care of the kids for so many years already). That baby became more attached to my sister than to mom.<\/p>\n
When the last baby was born, she wasn\u2019t really anybody\u2019s buddy but I was the only one who actually listened to her and we became very close.<\/p>\n
Question 3:\u00a0<\/strong>In what ways were boys and girls in your family expected to dress or act differently from each other? Were there certain things it was appropriate for girls to do but not boys, and vice versa?<\/strong><\/p>\nGirls were supposed to dress \u201cmodestly\u201d, of course. I\u2019ve come to find out in my house, \u201cmodest\u201d was liberal in comparison to some houses, and conservative compared to some. Us girls were supposed to wear shirts that weren\u2019t \u201ctight\u201d (which was fairly subjective, depending upon if you asked mom, dad, or the brothers), that came below our pant waists even if we raised our arms, were high-necked enough so if you bent over nothing was showing, and if you wore a tank or a sleeveless top, you couldn\u2019t see in the armhole. We were allowed to wear pants and shorts, and there wasn\u2019t really any requirement there except no leggings as pants. In my teens, I figured out if I asked nobody (especially my brothers) what they thought of my clothes, I could get away with more. Tight jeans were a no-no at one point, but I stopped asking if my clothes were OK, and really, it was mostly my brothers who would say something. My dad might mention my pants were a bit tight, but if he didn\u2019t say I couldn\u2019t wear them, I kept on. Same with when I started wearing shirts that showed I actually had breasts, and shirts that showed my belly when I raised my arms. (I pointed out at one point that I wasn\u2019t going to be raising my arms above my head, meaning since I wasn\u2019t a kid anymore!)<\/p>\n
The boys wore whatever they wanted, and were allowed to go topless while swimming.<\/p>\n
Question 4:\u00a0<\/strong>In what ways were boys and girls in your family raised differently vocationally (i.e., the boys pushed toward careers and the girls pushed toward homemaking)? How did this play out as you came of age (apprenticeship, college, staying home, etc.)?<\/strong><\/p>\nThe girls were definitely pushed towards homemaking. We weren\u2019t allowed to go to college (the boys might have been had they asked, but it was out of the question for us girls) because the answer we repeated over and over was that we didn\u2019t need a college education to be a wife and mother. The boys got jobs after they graduated, and us girls just bummed at home. We always said we were at home \u201cpreparing to be a wife and mother\u201d, but in reality we really didn\u2019t do much\u2026once our chores were done we could do whatever (except the things we weren\u2019t allowed\u2026like, I wasn\u2019t allowed to be anywhere alone because it made me \u201canti-family\u201d, I think because I had asked for my own room in my early teens. I was the only one with that restriction).<\/p>\n
Part 4: Homeschooling<\/h1>\n
Question 1:\u00a0<\/strong>Why and when did your parents originally decide to homeschool? Did their reasons for homeschooling change over time?<\/strong><\/p>\nI keep hearing the recited reasons and answers to some of these questions! My parents decided to homeschool even before they were Christians, because they were \u201cshuffled through public school\u201d. So instead, we were shuffled through homeschool with a less than adequate education. After they became Christians, of course homeschooling then became about how we weren\u2019t getting indoctrinated by \u201cthe world\u201d and that it was great because we \u201cgot\u201d to stay home with mom all day.<\/p>\n
Question 2:\u00a0<\/strong>Briefly describe your experience being homeschooled, including the amount of interaction you had with other homeschoolers or non-homeschoolers (socialization) and what sorts of textbooks or homeschool program your family used (academics).<\/strong><\/p>\nQuestion 3:\u00a0<\/strong>What do you see as the pros and cons of having been homeschooled? Do you feel that your homeschool experience prepared you well socially? Academically?<\/strong><\/p>\nMy mom would always say we knew things she didn\u2019t, but she definitely had a more rounded education. Homeschool was basically once you knew how to read, you were given the books and were supposed to do it all on your own. We mostly focused on the three R\u2019s (reading, \u2018riting, and \u2018rithmetic, though writing usually only came in to play when dad told us to read a book and we hadn\u2019t read it within a week\u2026we were then made to do a report on it). We didn\u2019t have a TV and for the most part (except in the case of my brother who has dyslexia) we were a reading family, so I learned from reading on my own. I absorbed more grammar, spelling, syntax, etc. by reading books than I ever did from my mom. She used a variety of books\u2026Bob Jones for English, Math-U-See for math, and later on, Switched On Schoolhouse (on the computer) for English. When us girls were in our teens, we did Above Rubies.<\/p>\n
We went to some homeschool group meetings, but we weren\u2019t very active in the community and didn\u2019t interact with other homeschooled kids often. We weren\u2019t really allowed to make friends, because we were supposed to be \u201ceach other\u2019s best friends\u201d. Our whole family was fairly antisocial (because my dad thought we were better than everyone else), so I can\u2019t attribute homeschooling to being unprepared socially.<\/p>\n
Question 4:\u00a0<\/strong>Do you perceive of your academic or social abilities differently today than you did when you were being homeschooled?<\/strong><\/p>\nI think I\u2019m slightly more socially adept, though it\u2019s still difficult for me to interact in person with people (I\u2019m also introverted). I don\u2019t just walk up to someone and start chatting, in fact, I very rarely start conversations with people I don\u2019t know. It ends up being really awkward. I express myself much better through a text medium, so taking into account that during my teen years (and early twenties) my social life was online, I\u2019m much more social online.<\/p>\n
Question 5:\u00a0<\/strong>Do you plan to homeschool\/are you homeschooling your children? Why or why not? If you do plan to homeschool, in what ways will you\/do you do it differently from your parents?<\/strong><\/p>\nI had planned to at first (I still had the ingrained fear of public school), and since I was only going to have one or two it would be much easier and much different from what my mom did (she had way too many kids). But when my daughter was born, she was (and is) so high-needs that I decided to put her in public school after all, so I\u2019d be able to have some time to myself.<\/p>\n
Part 5: Purity<\/h1>\n
Question 1:\u00a0<\/strong>What were you taught about physical purity, emotional purity, and courtship and dating? How was sex education handled?<\/strong><\/p>\nOddly enough, we weren\u2019t schooled in \u2019emotional purity\u2019. My dad considered crushes to be normal, and was actually pretty cool how he handled that (wouldn\u2019t let anybody make fun of anybody else for \u201cliking\u201d someone). As far as physical purity, it wasn\u2019t brought up that I can remember, but somehow heavily implied that touching the opposite sex was a no-no. We didn\u2019t think far enough into the future to know what would happen after any of us entered a courtship. How to go about courting wasn\u2019t decided on beforehand either, just figured out as they went along. As far as sex education\u2026I knew something happened \u201cdown there\u201d with guys and girls, but I thought they just rubbed parts. As I got older, I read health books and stuff, but I was never actually told exactly how to have sex or anything until I was 20 or so, when my dad sat my next sister and I down and explained everything because he found out my mom had been deficient in that area\u2026and all areas of female health, actually. My dad ended up doing the sex and period talk with the girls because my mom wouldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
Question 2:\u00a0<\/strong>Did you participate in a parent-guided courtship? If so, what was your experience? If not, why not?<\/strong><\/p>\nI was fortunate to not be subjected to that particular brand of hell, but my brother was, and I have plenty to say about that if you want. As far as I\u2019m concerned, I met my husband online and our relationship was forbade by my dad, and as a result, kept secret. I told my mom I was engaged eventually (after she looked at my phone records to check up on who I\u2019d been talking to and saw one particular number consistently), and she told me I wasn\u2019t because my dad hadn\u2019t said I could be.<\/p>\n
Question 3:\u00a0<\/strong>How do you feel about purity and courtship teachings today? Have you rejected some parts of it and kept other parts of it? How do you plan to handle these issues with your own children?<\/strong><\/p>\nI reject all purity and courtship teachings. The only teaching my daughter needs is how to respect herself and her body. She\u2019s not even a year old yet, but she will not be subjected and inundated with meaningless rules about her clothes and lifestyle. \u201cModesty\u201d is completely relative to what you\u2019re used to and where you live, so when trying to pin down what conservatives actually mean by it, they can\u2019t give me a straight answer \u2013 it\u2019s not even in their bible. As for emotional purity, that\u2019s even worse, and contributes to the whole \u201conly some feelings are acceptable\u201d thing which I totally disagree with.<\/p>\n
Question 4:<\/strong>\u00a0Do you feel that the purity and courtship teachings you were raised with still have lasting impact on your life today? If so, how?<\/strong><\/p>\nNo, not at all. For a while they did\u2026I was still dressing fairly conservatively. But now I\u2019m free of the \u2018modesty\u2019 stuff\u2026and even nurse in public without a cover (gasp!). Courtship was never taught like a how-to, but after seeing my brother go through it (he ended up with a sweet lady but went through hell to get her), it makes me all that much more against it.<\/p>\n
Part 6: Questioning<\/h1>\n
Question 1:\u00a0<\/strong>How were you first exposed to \u201cmainstream\u201d American culture? What were your first impressions?<\/strong><\/p>\nI moved out of my parents\u2019 house July 2010, so I guess that was my first real exposure. Other than that, it was mostly seeing \u201cworldly\u201d people and judging them for things we didn\u2019t even know about. I don\u2019t remember having any kind of impression, first or otherwise, after I moved out, other than a general attitude of \u201cI know my parents were really wrong in this aspect, so maybe they were in all aspects and I\u2019m going to withhold judgment and keep an open mind\u201d.<\/p>\n
Question 2:\u00a0<\/strong>What first made you question the beliefs you were raised with? Was this initial questioning a frightening or liberating experience?<\/strong><\/p>\nWhat got me started questioning was a combination of me thinking there HAD to be something wrong with the way my parents were doing things because I knew being suicidal meant there was something really wrong, and my then-best friend\/boyfriend telling me my dad wasn\u2019t right. It was both frightening and liberating: liberating because I got confirmation that no, I really wasn\u2019t crazy and I was totally validated, and frightening because I had implicitly believed and trusted my dad for so many years.<\/p>\n
Question 3:\u00a0<\/strong>What did you struggle with most when you were in the midst of questioning and\/or leaving Christian Patriarchy\/Quiverfull ideology? What was the hardest part?<\/strong><\/p>\nGetting the courage to leave was the absolute hardest part. I\u00a0hated<\/em>\u00a0everything my parents did and how they handled things and all, but I was terrified to leave. Kind of like when you\u2019d rather stay with the evil you know rather than take a chance on the unknown that could be evil or could be good. When my parents originally found out about my engagement, I chickened out and said I would stay with them. I thought that things would get better because they would be happy I\u2019d stayed, but things were worse: I was even more restricted than previously, and treated like a five year old. I then decided to wait until after my baby sister\u2019s birthday to leave, but my dad cornered me and brought me in to talk with him and mom on July 4th<\/sup>. He lectured me for a few hours, then asked for the final time if I was going to go or stay. It took half an hour (and him threatening to knock my block off if I didn\u2019t answer) before gathering up the courage to say I was going to go. I didn\u2019t know if he was going to knock my block off anyway, or yell at me, or what he was going to do.<\/p>\nQuestion 4:\u00a0<\/strong>Among those you grew up around who were also raised with Christian Patriarchy\/Quiverfull ideology, what proportion has remained in the movement and what proportion has left?<\/strong><\/p>\nFor starters, I don\u2019t really know many people, and haven\u2019t kept in touch with many families. It seems like most everyone is still some form of Christian, but that the children are turning out slightly more liberal than their parents.<\/p>\n
Part 7: Relating to Family<\/h1>\n
Question 1:\u00a0<\/strong>How did your parents and siblings respond to you questioning\/rejecting their beliefs? How did those you grew up with respond?<\/strong><\/p>\nI was cut off when I moved (my parents didn\u2019t even let me say goodbye to my younger siblings), so I\u2019ve had no flak from them, but I was told I was going to hell for moving out. I texted my next brother (the super patriarchal one) for his birthday (very innocuous) and received a very angry reply basically saying \u201cYou\u2019re a liar, I don\u2019t believe you, you\u2019re going to hell, you\u2019re a horrible sinner, I love you\u201d. The brother after that is the one who went through the courtship and he is still a somewhat conservative Christian, and he has assured me that even though he may disagree with what I believe (or disbelieve), there\u2019s nothing I can do that will make him cut me off. He hasn\u2019t really expressed an opinion on my agnosticism. My dad\u2019s family (brother and sister in law, mainly) are another story.<\/p>\n
They have also cut me off and say my husband has brainwashed me. (Basically they are believing the lies my dad says about me.) At first they were happy I moved out because they knew my dad was a wacko, but then when I started questioning Christianity, they were like \u201cHey you can\u2019t do that!\u201d<\/p>\n
Question 2:\u00a0<\/strong>What is your relationship with your parents and siblings like today? What is your relationship with those you grew up with who remained in the movement like?<\/strong><\/p>\nI have no relationship with my parents and all but one of my siblings. With my one brother, I like to think we have a fairly good relationship given that he lives 1200 miles away from me. He is still conservative and complementarian, but he has a good head on his shoulders and isn\u2019t controlling like my dad.<\/p>\n
Question 3:\u00a0<\/strong>For those who are no longer Christian, are you \u201cout\u201d to your parents or siblings? If so, how did you do it and how did they respond?<\/strong><\/p>\nAs far as my parents and the rest of my siblings are concerned, I came \u201cout\u201d to them by leaving, and that from that point forward they no longer considered me a Christian, even though I continued to be for a year (give or take). My married brother hasn\u2019t commented about my lack of religion.<\/p>\n
Question 4:\u00a0<\/strong>Have any of your siblings (or perhaps even parents) left Quiverfull\/Christian Patriarchy ideology? How do you approach the relationships with siblings who have not?<\/strong><\/p>\nn\/a<\/p>\n
Part 8: Adjusting<\/h1>\n
Question 1:\u00a0<\/strong>Do you still feel as though you are \u201cdifferent\u201d or that your past experiences emotionally isolate you from society?<\/strong><\/p>\nSometimes, though I think I\u2019m getting better.<\/p>\n
Question 2:\u00a0<\/strong>Since most of the world doesn\u2019t understand Quiverfull\/Christian Patriarchy culture, do you feel this creates barriers in friendships or in romantic relationships? Do people have a hard time understanding you and your past?<\/strong><\/p>\nI don\u2019t feel it creates barriers, and when the question of my family is brought up I explain as simply as I can how my dad is a controlling nut (using his religion as the excuse for his behavior) and that he cut me off when I moved out, because I moved out from under his control. Most people are shocked, but don\u2019t really get the depth of everything.<\/p>\n
Question 3:\u00a0<\/strong>What do you think is the biggest way being raised in a family influenced by Christian Patriarchy\/Quiverfull ideas has influenced who you are today?<\/strong><\/p>\nThe ideas don\u2019t have much of an effect on me anymore, but some things, like never being taught how to handle money and never being allowed to have a real job, things like that still bother me. I guess a few ideas still do affect me, but I\u2019m not sure if they are ideas from the movement or stuff I came up with on my own (or just a product of my relationship with my dad growing up), like I have a hard time saying no to people or disappointing them. It took a long time to get rid of some things like spanking (even though I hated being spanked, I thought spanking was The Way to make your kids behave and if you didn\u2019t spank, they were going to be horrible brats). I think just the biggest thing it affected though has been my emotional health and worth.<\/p>\n
Question 4:\u00a0<\/strong>How did you perceive your childhood at the time compared to how do you see it now?<\/strong><\/p>\nAs I get to know myself better and see without the movement\u2019s lens (and reading about other parenting styles and articles on childrens\u2019 actions), my childhood and my actions and feelings as a child make a lot more sense.<\/p>\n
Question 5:\u00a0<\/strong>Do you sometimes wish to go \u201cback\u201d?<\/strong><\/p>\nNo f*cking way. I miss my siblings, and the nice-ish parts of my parents, but I have absolutely no desire to go back into bondage. Not to mention my dad set completely unreasonable conditions for if I were ever to return: #1, my husband has to be dead. #2, if I have any children, they have to be left with someone and I\u2019d never see them again, and #3, things would be much worse for me. I don\u2019t know if that all was a last-ditch effort to scare me into staying or what.<\/p>\n