{"id":6643,"date":"2012-07-30T05:45:06","date_gmt":"2012-07-30T09:45:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=6643"},"modified":"2012-08-08T18:34:28","modified_gmt":"2012-08-08T22:34:28","slug":"dear-lisa-let-us-offer-you-some-hope","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/07\/dear-lisa-let-us-offer-you-some-hope.html","title":{"rendered":"Dear Lisa: Let us offer you some hope"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Lisa of broken daughters recently wrote a post in which she admitted that even though she is in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful young man, she is scared to death of marriage and can\u2019t picture herself married. Now, I don\u2019t think there is anything wrong with people choosing not to marry, and plenty make that choice. It\u2019s just that Lisa\u2019s reasons are as follows<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I\u2019m afraid of marriage. I\u2019m afraid of what marriage is to me, what I have been taught marriage is. You see, I only know two extremes: The fundamentalist marriages, and the supposedly terrible secular marriages. I don\u2019t want to be a submissive, meek wife and lose everything I dream of these days. I don\u2019t want to go back to where I\u2019ve been. I don\u2019t want to waste everything I sacrificed just to end up back in the old ways. And I also don\u2019t want one of these marriages the fundamentalists talk about: The man lazy and fat, cheating on his wife, going to swingerclubs, terrible kids. It\u2019s all I know, and I want neither.<\/p>\n

I realize there\u2019s got to be more but I just can\u2019t imagine what it would look like. I have just tasted freedom and marriage seems like a prison now.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And so I would say to Lisa, take the time to enjoy that freedom and don\u2019t feel like you have to get married, now or ever. But realize that you are right \u2013 there is more. You may not be able to picture it right now, but it is out there.<\/p>\n

I was also, like you, given a dichotomous view of marriage growing up. There was the \u201cgood\u201d married couple following \u201cbiblical\u201d gender roles and patriarchal authority structures, and there was the \u201cbad\u201d married couple, where the woman \u201cwore the pants\u201d and the man was reduced to an emasculate house guest.\u00a0I think part of the problem is that those who live a patriarchal lifestyle and have a patriarchal mindset are incapable of imagining a marriage based on genuine equality, where the husband and wife are partners and friends, and instead think that if the man isn\u2019t in charge, it must be the other way around. Another part of the problem is the fallacious idea that if you don\u2019t do things the \u201cbiblical\u201d and \u201cgodly\u201d way, your life will be horrible and an utter ruin. Both of these ideas are\u00a0wrong.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been married for a while now, and have two children, and my marriage is part of the \u201cmore\u201d that Lisa has so much trouble imagining. It stands outside of the dichotomy I was given growing up. My husband and I are partners and friends, and we make decisions together. We communicate, we find compromises when we disagree, and we hold each other in mutual respect. He is not emasculated by the fact that I am his equal. We parent together, love together, live together. It\u2019s called an \u201cegalitarian\u201d marriage, one based on equality and partnership, respect and love.<\/p>\n

And so I thought I\u2019d ask my readers to help me out here. Can you join me in helping Lisa envision some of the \u201cmore\u201d she knows must be out there? Can you give her some idea of what an egalitarian marriage looks and feels like? Please leave a comment with some of your thoughts and experiences.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Lisa of broken daughters recently wrote a post in which she admitted that even though she is in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful young man, she is scared to death of marriage and can\u2019t picture herself married. Now, I don\u2019t think there is anything wrong with people choosing not to marry, and plenty make […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[43,6,25],"tags":[106],"class_list":["post-6643","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-family","category-feminism","category-christian-patriarchy","tag-marriage-2"],"yoast_head":"\nDear Lisa: Let us offer you some hope<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Lisa of broken daughters recently wrote a post in which she admitted that even though she is in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful young man, she\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/07\/dear-lisa-let-us-offer-you-some-hope.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Dear Lisa: Let us offer you some hope\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Lisa of broken daughters recently wrote a post in which she admitted that even though she is in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful young man, she\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/07\/dear-lisa-let-us-offer-you-some-hope.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Love, Joy, Feminism\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2012-07-30T09:45:06+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2012-08-08T22:34:28+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Libby Anne\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Libby Anne\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/07\/dear-lisa-let-us-offer-you-some-hope.html\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/07\/dear-lisa-let-us-offer-you-some-hope.html\",\"name\":\"Dear Lisa: Let us offer you some hope\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2012-07-30T09:45:06+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2012-08-08T22:34:28+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#\/schema\/person\/fae465c1bbb5cbdf26c9e73bfd1b73d2\"},\"description\":\"Lisa of broken daughters recently wrote a post in which she admitted that even though she is in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful young man, she\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/07\/dear-lisa-let-us-offer-you-some-hope.html#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/07\/dear-lisa-let-us-offer-you-some-hope.html\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/07\/dear-lisa-let-us-offer-you-some-hope.html#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Dear Lisa: Let us offer you some hope\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/\",\"name\":\"Love, Joy, Feminism\",\"description\":\"\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#\/schema\/person\/fae465c1bbb5cbdf26c9e73bfd1b73d2\",\"name\":\"Libby Anne\",\"description\":\"Libby Anne grew up in a large evangelical homeschool family highly involved in the Christian Right. 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