{"id":46763,"date":"2013-09-05T00:33:18","date_gmt":"2013-09-05T07:33:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/markshea\/?p=46763"},"modified":"2014-12-29T21:16:47","modified_gmt":"2014-12-30T04:16:47","slug":"another-reader-writes-to-describe-his-experience","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/markshea\/2013\/09\/another-reader-writes-to-describe-his-experience.html","title":{"rendered":"Another Reader Writes to Describe His Experience…"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

as a faithful Catholic wrestling with SSA:<\/p>\n

At the end of your post \u201can-interesting-letter-from-a-gay-reader\u201d<\/a> you said you \u201cwould be particularly interested in hearing from gay readers who are attempting to live as a Catholic disciple of Jesus\u201d so I thought I would share my perspective.<\/p>\n

It is difficult for me to speak about because I fear the reactions from the \u201cconservative Catholic inquisitors\u201d, \u201cthe unchaste\u201d<\/a>, and others who promote homosexuality. I believe, though, that if more and more people like me, who experience homosexual attractions start speaking up we can spread more hope. \u00a0I\u2019ll start with a brief account of my story so you know where I\u2019m coming from.<\/p>\n

I have experienced homosexual attractions since I remember having sexual feelings. Even before then I remember a longing that though, pre-sexual, was probably the same thing. It felt natural, like I was just made \u2018this way\u2019 and was always \u2018this way\u2019. \u00a0When I was 23, I reverted to the Church. \u00a0I began to love Her teachings and began learning everything I could about what She taught and how to live it. I was fully committed to Jesus through Holy Mother Church. But there was this problem of the homosexual desires that felt \u201cnatural\u201d to me. \u00a0Why would God make me \u2018this way\u2019 if the behavior is wrong? I found the Courage Apostolate<\/a> in my city and this pretty much saved my life. \u00a0I had loved Holy Mother Church but had been torn apart by not living Her teachings and the apparent contradiction that God would make me \u2018this way\u2019. \u00a0I found other men and woman at Courage who wanted to live chaste lives and be disciples of Christ who also experienced homosexual attractions.<\/p>\n

After a few years of Courage meetings, I felt like there was something still not right. \u00a0I heard Christopher West say, \u201cChrist did not come to give us coping mechanisms for our sins, but to redeem us.\u201d \u00a0Well, if that is true, and the Church teaches that homosexual attractions are disorders, and if the Church\u2019s meaning of disordered desires is the same as a disordered desire to eat too much, gossip, or any other manifestation of concupiscence, then maybe I wasn\u2019t born\/made \u2018this way\u2019. \u00a0After all, \u201cmale and female He created them\u201d.<\/p>\n

I did some research and found NARTH<\/a>. Then I found other like-minded men who believed that homosexual attractions can be reduced and in some cases eliminated. \u00a0It has been 7 years since I started reparative therapy and other things to reduce and\/or eliminate my homosexual attractions. \u00a0It has worked; better than I would have ever hoped for. It has literally saved my life.<\/p>\n

Reparative therapy is not really about change, but about becoming what I already am. A man. As I approach human perfection, all manifestations of concupiscence will diminish, including my homosexual attractions. \u00a0I found that holding on to a \u2018gay\u2019, \u2018homosexual\u2019, \u2018ssa\u2019, or \u2018gay Catholic and okay with it\u2019 identity was incongruent with living a spiritual life. \u00a0Sure, I may still have homosexual attractions and my keep having them until the last second of Purgatory, but that doesn\u2019t mean that I am \u2018gay\u2019. \u00a0I am a man, not a gay man, not an ssa man, not a straight man for that matter; I\u2019m a man. Since baptism leaves an indelible mark on my soul then I am a Catholic man.<\/p>\n

My homosexual attractions no longer plague me and are drastically reduced. \u00a0In fact, I only have them when I\u2019m tempted to lust or am in fact lusting. \u00a0This is much, much different than before because now it feels like lust and before it felt natural. \u00a0Now when I feel homosexual attractions they feel \u2018wrong\u2019. \u00a0Not the moral kind of wrong but more like a hunger craving for junk food. Yeah, I could eat the junk food and feel full but not satisfied or nourished; that kind of wrong. I experience chaste heterosexual attractions and, though I never expected it, I now long to spend my life with a women and even doing what man and woman do to become mother and father together. \u00a0Sure, if I lust, it is for men. Should I make it a goal to lust after women? No. \u00a0I already experience chaste heterosexual desire for women (though even 3 years ago I thought it was impossible) so why don\u2019t I just keep taking the lust to the foot of the cross and work on that? That is what I\u2019m doing, and thanks be to God, it is working.<\/p>\n

That is my brief story. These are my positions:<\/p>\n