{"id":93740,"date":"2015-11-03T00:20:49","date_gmt":"2015-11-03T07:20:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/markshea\/?p=93740"},"modified":"2015-10-01T22:55:40","modified_gmt":"2015-10-02T05:55:40","slug":"an-aspiring-dark-lordette-writes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/markshea\/2015\/11\/an-aspiring-dark-lordette-writes.html","title":{"rendered":"An aspiring Dark Lordette writes:"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Dear Mark,
\nHow can I become a Dark Lord like you . . . minus the beard and the bizarre distaste for cinnamon?
\nYour adoring sycophant.
\nReader 1<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Begin by making sartorial choices like this<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Reader 1: I\u2019ll get right on that. I\u2019m sure that Walmart has one!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Excellent. Then we need to talk about your Sinister Animal Companion. Slender cats are a popular choice for the ladies. But I think thousands and thousands of crowscan work, with a nice python just to add a dash of color.<\/p>\n

Reader 2\u00a0I tried using a fish as my Companion, but it turns out fish are very relaxing, so I stopped trying to take over the world and now I own four fish tanks.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Poisonous fish, piranha, and octopuses are useful for when you need your enemies to talk, or to be disposed of. The custom is to name them, \u201cMy pretties\u201d or some similar diminutive and to throw one nameless henchman in the tank just to show you aren\u2019t screwing around.<\/p>\n

Reader 2:\u00a0But the rest of the time, they\u2019re so relaxing to watch that after a while, you simply don\u2019t have any enemies and you want to listen to classical music while researching salt water tanks.<\/p>\n

Reader 1\u00a0No fish in tanks. Check.<\/p>\n

Reader 2 I\u2019m glad at least someone else can avoid my mistake.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Thank you for reminding me. A soundtrack is essential to the Dark Lord Life. If you can afford it, you should get your own composer to create theme music unique to you. But if you are operating on a restricted budget then you can always rely on somet<\/span><\/span>hing Germanic, stentorian and darkly romantic from Wagner or Beethoven. You\u2019ll need it both for your long periods of brooding over the injury done you by your Nemesis<\/a>, as well as for impressing guest and heroes tied to a chair. If you are musically inclined yourself, consider getting a grand piano and placing it in a large empty ballroom full of cobwebs in your Tower and playing it in the dead of night. Best of all, get a huge pipe organ and play at full blast at all hours.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Reader 1\u00a0and then there\u2019s the whole moose eye roll thing. Oops, wrong conversation!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Moose are poor Sinister Animal Companions unless you can get them to stampede a pathetic victim you have abandoned to his fate in the Canadian Tundra outside your Hidden Northern Lair.<\/p>\n

Reader 1\u00a0You speak with the voice of true wisdom, Master!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Experience is a Harsh Mistress, my young apprentice.<\/p>\n

Reader 3\u00a0Moose bites are very painful though!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

A M\u00f8\u00f8se once bit my sister\u2026 No realli! She was Karving her initials on the m\u00f8\u00f8se with the sharpened end of an interspace t\u00f8\u00f8thbrush given her by Svenge \u2013 her brother-in-law \u2013 an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian m\u00f8vies: \u201cThe H\u00f8t Hands of an Oslo Dentist\u201d, \u201cFillings of Passion\u201d, \u201cThe Huge M\u00f8lars of Horst Nordfink\u201d\u2026<\/p>\n

Reader 4\u00a0I really kissed a deer in Yosemite. Is that good enough to be a minion?<\/p>\n

Reader 3\u00a0You kissed a deer. And did you like it?<\/p>\n

Reader 4\u00a0YUS, (edit no wait) BECUZ THE PARK RANGER TOLD ME NOT TO.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Deer kissers are not really minion material.<\/p>\n

Reader 3: Reader 1,\u00a0May I suggest butterflies? As Bart Simpson wisely points out, \u201cNo one ever suspects the butterfly.\u201d<\/p>\n

Reader 5\u00a0Moths are just butterflies of the night.<\/p>\n

Reader 6\u00a0I\u2019m still trying to wrap my head around the \u201cbizarre distaste for cinnamon.\u201d Mark, I never knew! That is so sad!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Cinnamon hampers the powers I derive from earth\u2019s yellow sun.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Mark, How can I become a Dark Lord like you . . . minus the beard and the bizarre distaste for cinnamon? Your adoring sycophant. Reader 1 Begin by making sartorial choices like this. Reader 1: I\u2019ll get right on that. I\u2019m sure that Walmart has one! Excellent. Then we need to talk about […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":92,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[216],"class_list":["post-93740","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-dark-lordiness"],"yoast_head":"\nAn aspiring Dark Lordette writes:<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Dear Mark, How can I become a Dark Lord like you . . . minus the beard and the bizarre distaste for cinnamon? Your adoring sycophant. 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