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{"id":345,"date":"2010-04-26T15:35:27","date_gmt":"2010-04-26T22:35:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mamamonk.com\/?p=345"},"modified":"2010-04-26T15:35:27","modified_gmt":"2010-04-26T22:35:27","slug":"how-the-words-fall-in","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/michaboyett\/2010\/04\/how-the-words-fall-in\/","title":{"rendered":"How the words fall in."},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

(<\/em>from The Politics of the Brokenhearted<\/em><\/a>, by Parker Palmer)<\/p>\n

Let me start by saying I haven\u2019t read Parker Palmer. I know nothing about the essay\/pamphlet from which this is quoted. I only know that this was printed in a handout I received at church yesterday. And I can\u2019t stop thinking about it.<\/p>\n

Since I wrote last Friday, I\u2019ve been in transition, coming back from visiting my family in Texas, enjoying the California sunshine with my little clan, and reacquainting my toddler with the unhappy reality of the Pacific time zone. (Wondering why it\u2019s taken me all day to get this post up? The sweet boy was grouchy and awake during this morning\u2019s 6 am writing time.)<\/p>\n

I also can\u2019t stop thinking about what I wrote on Friday<\/a>: my struggle to believe God is speaking to me in love. How it\u2019s difficult to acknowledge what my friend shared with me: that God is growing me into a sturdy tree, that I can maneuver my roots into this city and that those roots can follow me, resulting in something beautiful.<\/p>\n

As I was praying in church yesterday, 12 hours home from our trip, I realized I do believe God would speak to me in kindness. Of course I do. God\u2019s words to me have always been spoken in kindness. It\u2019s my brain that distorts God, that feeds me guilt and grows debilitating fear inside me. My belief is a whole lot more complicated than an easy explanation. Belief comes to me, but softly and without fanfare. Sometimes it takes a few days to soak in. Sometimes it\u2019s easier to diminish the faith I have than to acknowledge its complexity.<\/p>\n

I just finished rereading my brother, Jason Boyett<\/a>\u2019s new book, O Me of Little Faith<\/em><\/a> (I was honored to read it for the first time in its draft form). It was just released a week and a half ago and it\u2019s a beautifully written contemplation of his (and I believe, the contemporary evangelical\u2019s) struggle to believe in a God he can\u2019t live without. (I\u2019d review it but I\u2019m biased so I\u2019ll leave it at that.)<\/p>\n

While writing last Friday\u2019s post, I was shoulder deep in his book and I had his doubt on my mind. Jason and I have shared doubt in common since I was adult enough to realize it was in me. That would be around my freshman year of college, when my older brother was 23 and already married.\u00a0 It\u2019s been a common thread for us, something I could share honestly with him long before I could speak it to anyone else.<\/p>\n

Doubt has been debilitating for me in some sense, but not completely. I didn\u2019t go into full time ministry in order to hide my doubt, but in spite of it. I love Jesus not simply because I love the idea of him, but because I\u2019ve experienced him. I don\u2019t read the Bible because I\u2019m trying to convince myself, but because my soul finds life in it, despite my brain\u2019s refusal to cooperate from time to time.<\/p>\n

So when I read the above quote as I sat down to worship yesterday, my insides resonated. I understand that when I open scripture, my brain and my soul take different stances. They shout at each other. And then, at some point, one wins over the other. The words sit on my hard heart. And, eventually, something beautiful happens: my heart melts just enough for the words to soak through.<\/p>\n

So, everything I said on Friday? You can chalk it up to this process I\u2019m in. Someday, I\u2019m hoping I\u2019ll believe the moment the words land on my heart. But for today, I\u2019m letting them sit quietly. And quiet is very monastic.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"