<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
People described me as shy when I was younger but I disagreed. I wasn\u2019t scared to talk with folks; I was selectively friendly. I\u2019m the first to admit I\u2019d observe before engaging, discern and then discuss. Most people enjoy a good listener, anyhow.<\/p>\n
While I can\u2019t remember what inspired my mom to tell me this, I heard the phrase throughout my childhood. \u201cConversation is like throwing a ball back and forth.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019d picture myself tossing the ball (question) and someone catching it (answer). If I ever felt uncertain, say, in a large group or around grown ups, I\u2019d remember my mom\u2019s advice and ask a question.<\/p>\n
(Is it a coincidence I became a huge White Sox fan? Probably. My mom didn\u2019t pay any attention to baseball before my obsession began.)<\/p>\n
The years passed and I developed into a talker but still a selective one. Perhaps it\u2019s my nature as a listener or my skills as a social worker but I\u2019ve always been at home with myself, content to listen to a big group and contribute when I have something worth saying. I shine when one-on-one and shudder when forced to contend with small talk. With my closest friends, it can be hard to shut me up.<\/p>\n
These days Mom\u2019s advice still comes in handy but I see it in an altogether different light. The metaphorical ball tossed back and forth now illumines the rhythms of healthy friendship.<\/p>\n
A couple of months ago, I met a new friend for coffee and we immediately clicked. There was a good mixture of sharing and questions and listening. The conversation went on all sorts of tangents, which is the best kind of conversation to my way of thinking. I heard her and she heard me. We threw the ball back and forth well.<\/p>\n
On the other hand, I\u2019ve lost track of how many times I\u2019ve left a one-sided conversation with an acquaintance and thought 1) they wanted me to be their non-paid therapist and 2) they didn\u2019t ask me one question- I never got to catch the ball. It\u2019s no wonder I leave those people feeling depleted.<\/p>\n
Then there are those falling between those extremes. Each conversation we grow to understand each other a little better. We\u2019re figuring out what kinds of friends we\u2019ll be.\u00a0 Sometimes I ask more questions, sometimes they ask me more questions. They\u2019re not \u201ccall you in the middle of the night\u201d friends quite yet but maybe they could be. Or maybe they\u2019ll be my \u201csocial\u201d friends with whom I\u2019ll go to shows or try out a new restaurant.<\/p>\n
If I\u2019ve learned anything the past few years is that we need a good mix of friends. No one person can meet all of our needs, nor can we meet theirs. We need friends who go deep, who listen well, who ask us the questions that make us squirm. We need friends we see maybe once a month for coffee or lunch, just to catch up. We need the friends who are drawn together over a common interest, whether a baseball team, a love of books, or the same taste in music. We need friends with different backgrounds and opinions and we need friends who offer solidarity. Each type of friendship has its own rhythm, it\u2019s own way of tossing the ball back and forth.<\/p>\n
This month marks 3 years of living in Nashville. It is equal parts home and new place. I am still figuring out community. I\u2019m trying to balance new friends here with the ones back home. I\u2019m trying to figure out who really means it when people say, \u201cwe should get together\u201d and don\u2019t follow through. I\u2019m reaching out and initiating because that\u2019s what I do. I am a connector and I chase after potential good friends. But I really long for people who will initiate with me.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t know making friends would be this hard. And I\u2019m a people person!<\/p>\n
Building new relationships takes time, effort, and energy. For an introvert, even an extroverted introvert (INFJ, y\u2019all), it means constantly putting myself out there but then balancing that with nights in to recharge. I didn\u2019t have to be aware of my own needs when I still lived in Chicagoland. I had a firm foundation of relationships stretching back to the year I was born.<\/p>\n
Here, it\u2019s pretty much all new. It has been a saving grace to live near my best friend who has known me more than half of my life. Otherwise, I\u2019ve added to my community one person at a time. I now know a lot of people in Nashville but I feel known by a precious few.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s unfair to compare my community here with my community back home.\u00a0 While it is discouraging to have found more one-sided friendships than anything else, I still believe I\u2019ll find true community here. I am lucky to have found a kindred spirit and a circle of friends I see regularly. Where my community is lacking, I choose to persevere.<\/p>\n
My mom\u2019s advice reminds me that conversation and friendship require an active participant. I\u2019m doing my part.<\/p>\n
I keep tossing the ball. I have hope. You never know when someone will toss it back.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
Leigh Kramer sees the world in a lovely way. I am always reading her posts and saying, \u201cOh, I never thought of it like that\u201d and I\u2019m so grateful for her voice. Also, we are TV watching kindreds, especially when it comes to shows I\u2019m a little embarrassed to say I love. Welcome Hopefulleigh! So […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":999,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[176],"tags":[36,52,63],"class_list":["post-6132","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-one-good-phrase","tag-community","tag-friendship","tag-guests"],"yoast_head":"\n