dharma<\/a> talk about what back then was the beginnings of the internet.\u00a0 He said: We are more and more becoming extended senses trying to connect with extended senses.<\/p>\nFor the last 10 years I have noticed how fragmented people\u2019s attention is and disembodied people have become and I am concerned about how much rudimentary work is needed as people take up this practice.<\/p>\n
That is why, as many of you know, I have been hesitant to embrace online Dharma fully.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Instead, I feel compelled to return as much as possible to in-person embodied community based practice.\u00a0\u00a0 Now this isn\u2019t to say that online offerings are a mistake. In fact, at times it has been amazing to see how technologies like zoom have offered people a lifeline when they have no way to be here in person.<\/p>\n
But whether it is online or in-person, I have been feeling more and more the importance of Sangha.\u00a0 The third treasure. The living, breathing, imperfect practice of being together.<\/p>\n
So, here is a question: How are we doing?\u00a0\u00a0 I think we are doing pretty good.<\/p>\n
People are practicing.. Our retreats have generally been full.\u00a0 Sunday mornings are vibrant, our workdays have been enlivening.\u00a0 There is real generosity here, and real care.<\/p>\n
So we are doing pretty good.\u00a0\u00a0 And yet\u2026.I believe we could also do better.\u00a0 So before we move on, let me ask you.\u00a0 How are you doing with Sangha?<\/p>\n
Lets all take what I call the The Cushion Commitment Meter:\u00a0 If your participation in Sangha\u2014not just physically but energetically, relationally\u2014were a meditation cushion, what would it look like?<\/p>\n
A full, firm, buckwheat-stuffed zafu\u2014supporting others as well as yourself?<\/p>\n
Perhaps more of a Half-filled cushion, not so supportive? Perhaps one of those inflatable cushions, Quietly deflating in the closet?<\/p>\n
This isn\u2019t about guilt. It\u2019s about practice.<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s talk about that.\u00a0 But before I do, I want to say that this is just as much about me as it is about you.\u00a0 And I will get into that a bit later.\u00a0 But let me offer a few reflections about what I think we could do better at:<\/p>\n
First: We need to show up more.<\/p>\n
I want to speak plainly here. There are times I\u2019m dismayed when I walk into the zendo for an evening or early morning sit and see a sparce few people. It\u2019s hard to believe given how full Sundays have been but it\u2019s just a couple of us.\u00a0\u00a0 I know everyone is busy. I know we have families, jobs, responsibilities. That\u2019s true for me too. But what we are offering here is something rare\u2014a space of stillness, reflection, and community in a world that is anything but.<\/p>\n
If the times we\u2019ve set don\u2019t work, I want to hear from you. I honestly don\u2019t know if it\u2019s a bad time, or if something else is going on. But silence here\u2014ironically\u2014isn\u2019t helpful.<\/p>\n
Talk to me. Let\u2019s figure it out together. This isn\u2019t just my zendo\u2014it\u2019s ours.<\/p>\n
Number 2: we need to take more responsibility for the life of this Sangha.<\/p>\n
Right now, it\u2019s a small handful of committed folks\u2014week after week\u2014who are holding the container. Whether it\u2019s the Zendo Team, Sunday caretaking, or simply showing up early to turn on the lights and light the incense, it\u2019s been a small group most of the work.<\/p>\n
I am grateful for them. Truly. But community isn\u2019t something we receive\u2014it\u2019s something we build.<\/p>\n
If you are a member here, please consider joining a committee, joining the zendo team, offering your expertise or your energy.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0Worried you aren\u2019t qualified? \u00a0If you can bow and carry a zabuton without falling over, congratulations\u2014you\u2019re qualified.\u201d<\/p>\n
Zen practice is just as much about work practice as it is the cushion. \u00a0\u00a0If you don\u2019t know where to put your energy, talk to Shojun or me.<\/p>\n
Let me honest\u2026you will not get what you want out of zen practice until you find a path to serve in Sangha.<\/p>\n
Number 3.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s what I\u2019ll call quiet quitting, Sangha-style. Or the disappearing act.<\/p>\n
This one has been on my mind for quite some time.\u00a0 Sometimes it comes up as I get a notice from Paypal that a member has stopped their monthly contribution. But more often it is simply a noticing.\u00a0 Someone is gone.\u00a0 Sometimes that disappearance follows an interaction\u2014something I said, something another Sangha member did or didn\u2019t do. And sometimes, there\u2019s no visible reason at all.<\/p>\n
Just\u2026 silence.\u00a0 Now, I understand that sometimes people need to move on. Sometimes the teacher-student relationship has run its course. Other times, \u00a0life pulls us in another direction. And that\u2019s okay.\u00a0\u00a0 But what\u2019s disheartening is not the leaving. It\u2019s the silence around it.<\/p>\n
This is especially important if you have committed to Shoken and Jukai.\u00a0 I am dismayed at how little I see some folks who have taken Jukai or committed to being a formal student.\u00a0 With both commitments it is understood that a part of this path is staying in contact, even when it\u2019s hard. Maybe especially when it\u2019s hard.<\/p>\n
Because ours is a tradition where \u201cdon\u2019t turn away\u201d is central to our practice, we cannot normalize ghosting as an acceptable form of conflict resolution.<\/p>\n
And more importantly: it robs you of the opportunity to truly practice with whatever fire has arisen.<\/p>\n
This and many of the things I am bringing may be old habits. I imagine when someone drops off the radar, that this isn\u2019t the only place or situation that this happens for that person. \u00a0\u00a0After all, we don\u2019t come into Sangha as blank slates. We come with histories. With habits. With models of what community is\u2014or what it isn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
A funny story about that\u2026.When I practiced at the Rochester Zen Center, I remember having some family visit and I invited them to attend the dharma talk on Sunday.\u00a0 After I showed them around my aunt whispered to me: why is everyone so sad and despondent?\u00a0 What she was referring to was the fact that people were in silence and looking down as they walked by.\u00a0 They were attending to their practice. But to her, it came across as sad and despondent.<\/p>\n
Many of the models we carry were formed in families, schools, churches, and relationships that may or may not have held us well.<\/p>\n
I want to say something about the psychology of ghosting.\u00a0 Much of the time it comes from anger, but it also\u00a0 comes from fear, or shame, and most of all, assumption.<\/p>\n
I have heard it all:\u00a0 I thought you would be too busy to want to talk. I thought you wouldn\u2019t want to hear it.\u00a0 I thought I would come across as a practice failure. I didn\u2019t want to be a bother.<\/p>\n
But every one of those is an assumption. And if our practice is about anything, it\u2019s about challenging our assumptions\u2026.about everything.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
In my own practice, when I catch myself assuming the worst about someone or myself or a situation\u2014when I feel slighted or shut out or misunderstood\u2014I try to stop and ask questions. I try to poke holes in the story I\u2019m telling myself and ask: What else might be true? What am I not seeing?<\/p>\n
We all project our ideas and assumptions onto others. WE think for sure we know what someone is thinking or feeling.\u00a0 We attribute and read in motive and intent to texts, to emails, to what is said or what isn\u2019t said.\u00a0 But all of that is poison for you and for Sangha.<\/p>\n
So two strategies you might consider.\u00a0 First of all, take a breath, and then muster some courage and ask a question of that person. Did you mean this or that?\u00a0 The second strategy of course is to simply drop the thoughts, the stories, the attributed motives and simply come back to what is right in front of you.<\/p>\n
Whatever you do don\u2019t act on those thoughts.<\/p>\n
Disappearing is not Dharma. It\u2019s defense.<\/p>\n
Sometimes I think about putting a banner over the zendo entrance: \u2018Abandon All Assumptions, Ye Who Enter Here.\u2019 Might save us all a lot of trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n
And let me offer a reminder here: Change doesn\u2019t happen in a burst. It happens through presence. Through repetition. Through staying.<\/p>\n
We used to call people who came and went in sudden bursts of enthusiasm \u201cshooting stars.\u201d<\/p>\n
Enthusiastic. And then\u2014gone.<\/p>\n
But the transformation that Zen points to doesn\u2019t come from shooting star energy. It comes from showing up. Over time. Through boredom. Through discomfort. Through resistance.<\/p>\n
Ok\u2026. Number (4) Saying hello.<\/p>\n
When someone new walks into the zendo\u2014whether it\u2019s their first time sitting or they\u2019ve just moved to the area\u2014they\u2019re not just coming to check out a schedule. They\u2019re stepping into something unknown. They\u2019re taking a risk. They\u2019re hoping\u2014quietly, maybe even unconsciously\u2014that this might be a place where they can belong.<\/p>\n
We\u2019ve all been the new person somewhere. And we all know the feeling\u00a0 of sitting by ourselves while everyone else seems to know exactly where to go and how to act. It doesn\u2019t take much\u2014a warm hello, a gentle smile, a quiet \u201cIs this your first time here?\u201d\u2014to make all the difference.<\/p>\n
And I want to say: many of you are already doing this. So thank you.<\/p>\n
Visitors often tell me they felt welcomed when they arrived. That someone reached out. That they weren\u2019t ignored.\u00a0 And\u2014there\u2019s room to grow.<\/p>\n
There are still days when someone slips in and slips out, never spoken to. And it\u2019s not because people are unfriendly\u2014it\u2019s often just that we\u2019re unsure. We don\u2019t want to intrude. We think, \u201cSomeone else will probably say something.\u201d<\/p>\n
But here\u2019s the practice: If you see someone you don\u2019t recognize\u2014say hello. And please:<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t worry about saying the perfect thing. Don\u2019t wait until you feel totally confident or social or \u201cZen enough.\u201d Just offer yourself. Offer your presence.\u00a0 \u201cSaying hello after sitting isn\u2019t small talk. It\u2019s small practice.\u201d<\/p>\n
By the way\u2026.this\u00a0 how we should approach dokusan, too. You could say for many people this is a crucial practice.\u00a0 Too often I hear: I didn\u2019t have anything to bring up!\u00a0 And I usually say, well what if I did?<\/p>\n
You don\u2019t have to bring something polished. In fact, I prefer you don\u2019t.\u00a0 You don\u2019t need to know what to say. You just need to show up\u2014authentically\u2014and be willing to meet another human being. That\u2019s the whole of it.<\/p>\n
And look, I get it, I\u2019m an introvert too: sometimes it\u2019s easier to sit facing a wall than to sit facing a Sangha member we\u2019ve had tension with or approaching someone we don\u2019t know. At least the wall doesn\u2019t stare back.<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
When I first started practicing, the last thing I wanted was small talk after sitting. Or potlucks. Or committees. But something shifted.<\/p>\n
one day it hit me\u2014 What we love about the stories from Zen is the interaction between people.\u00a0 Most of the koans are a back and forth between teacher and student or between peers.<\/p>\n
Zen isn\u2019t just about realization on the cushion. It\u2019s about how we meet the world. How we meet each other.\u00a0 It\u2019s about relationship.<\/p>\n
Here is a passage from Joan Sutherland a teacher in our shared lineage who said this about the old zen masters:<\/p>\n
We spend a lot of time in the company of our thoughts and feelings, and sometimes we are a companion to silence. But Even a hermit sits in a web of connections with things visible and invisible. Our meditation is made not just of the vastness and the deep engine of concentration; it is also made of these relationships. And then one day, for no apparent reason, something in particular comes to fetch us:. A particular intimate meeting with a particular other opens us to an intimate relationship with life itself.<\/em><\/p>\nPractice is about making us fetchable. It helps us to recognize what gets in the way of our being fetched, and then it gives us a method to deconstruct the obstacle. Most people find this difficult to do on their own, that\u2019s where the power of intimate meetings comes in.<\/em><\/p>\nSo yes our little community here is important and\u2026.to recognize that the practice of community happens on so many levels. In every meeting with both animate and inanimate beings.<\/p>\n
In commenting on the old encounter dialogues of the masters she says: they could be mild, probing, or literally upending, but are never about winning an argument or making someone feel stupid. Over and over again\u2014tirelessly, relentlessly\u2014they are an invitation to freedom. In a time of crisis, talking about freedom or even modeling a free life wasn\u2019t enough; these intimate meetings allowed people to experience freedom for themselves.<\/em><\/p>\nAnd then she cites this beautiful example of an encounter dialogue between a monk and Master Shitou: A monk asked Shitou \u201cWhat about liberation?\u201d \u201cWho binds you?\u201d countered Shitou. \u201cWhat about the Pure Land?\u201dShitou said \u201cWho corrupts you?\u201d \u201cWhat about nirvana?\u201d Shitou said \u201cWho keeps you in the cycle of birth and death?\u201d<\/p>\n
Each time, the monk asked about some grand spiritual concept\u2014liberation, the Pure Land, nirvana\u2014and each time Shitou turned the mirror back to the monks own body and mind.<\/p>\n
Who binds you? Who corrupts you? Who keeps you trapped?<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t reaching for something \u201cout there.\u201d Only the intimate confrontation with one\u2019s own mind, one\u2019s own entanglements.<\/p>\n
Shitou brings forth birth and death<\/p>\n
Not as distant philosophical ideas, but as the living reality of our practice. And these are Hard to face. But that\u2019s exactly why, when we begin this practice we are taught to find our breath.\u00a0 Because our practice is about facing what we don\u2019t want to face. And that\u2019s good news.<\/p>\n
Because as practitioners we recognize that we can\u2019t wait for the world, and everyone else to come as we prefer.<\/p>\n
As we stay, as we cultivate our practice, what was hidden becomes easier to see and recognize. And what becomes visible is the second great mark of suffering: change.<\/p>\n
We begin to see: We can\u2019t keep what we want.\u00a0 We can\u2019t keep away what we don\u2019t want. We can\u2019t always be with who we want to be with. We can\u2019t avoid being with those who irritate us.<\/p>\n
And in fact\u2014there should be people in the Sangha who challenge you.<\/p>\n
How else will we see ourselves clearly?\u00a0 How else will we face the mind\u2014the wants, the non-wants, the attachments, the aversions?<\/p>\n
Ok, last one\u2026.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve noticed that sometimes, after Sunday service, a few people slip out the back. Quietly. No conversation. And I wonder\u2014Do they have to be somewhere? Or is there a kind of unease there? A discomfort in staying and connecting?<\/p>\n
I wonder that because\u2014truthfully\u2014sometimes I feel the same way.\u00a0 After a full morning of prep, dokusan, giving a talk\u2026 I feel that tug too. That impulse to vanish.<\/p>\n
But I know that staying matters<\/p>\n
And I want to say this too: I have a lot to work on.\u00a0 Really?? Yes\u2026.really.<\/p>\n
I know that I can come across as distracted or too busy. And Sometimes that comes across as uncaring.\u00a0 I sometimes neglect texts or emails.\u00a0 I am terrible at emails!\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I will ever like emails, but I will say this:\u00a0 If you want to talk, let\u2019s talk in person.\u00a0 In that spirit, very shortly I will be making more space in my week for longer one on one practice meetings with anyone who would find them helpful.<\/p>\n
Shojun and I also plan to begin doing Sangha Circles to hear your thoughts about practice and this community.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 So be on the lookout for that soon as well.<\/p>\n
The membership committee is trying to tighten up things as well.\u00a0 When someone new walks through these doors and becomes a member, we want to make sure they feel welcome, are educated about our practice and offerings and they know how to engage.<\/p>\n
But the reality is that I\u2019m also a dad, and a therapist.\u00a0 And right now, that takes a great deal of time and energy. Things should stabilize in, oh, ten years.<\/p>\n
and so I will disappoint some of you in my ability to respond effectively to your needs. But I do want to also get to know you as a member and a student so that we can practice together effectively.<\/p>\n
So this morning, I\u2019ve asked a lot of us. I\u2019ve asked us to look honestly\u2014at how we show up, how we pull away, how we project and assume and protect ourselves.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve asked us to stay\u2014when it would be easier to slip out quietly, to find reasons not to belong.<\/p>\n
True Intimacy Isn\u2019t Based on Agreement<\/p>\n
This is perhaps the most radical teaching of all. That intimacy, connection, Sangha\u2014it\u2019s not built on shared opinions. It\u2019s built on. Shared silence. Shared confusion. Shared effort. As soon as we try to build community around shared ideology, we\u2019re on a tightrope. But shared practice? That can hold contradictions. It can hold people who vote differently. Who grieve differently. Who stumble into this space not knowing what they believe. Because practice isn\u2019t belief\u2014it\u2019s embodiment.<\/p>\n
In Zen, we say that practice isn\u2019t about fixing something. It\u2019s about revealing what\u2019s already whole.<\/p>\n
And community\u2014Sangha\u2014is one of the ways wholeness becomes visible. Because in the end, we don\u2019t practice just for ourselves. We practice for this world. And this world needs us\u2014rooted, awake, and not running away.<\/p>\n
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