{"id":1083,"date":"2014-02-15T11:47:04","date_gmt":"2014-02-15T16:47:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/?p=1083"},"modified":"2014-02-16T09:54:25","modified_gmt":"2014-02-16T14:54:25","slug":"morality-we-can-do-much-better-than-this","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2014\/02\/morality-we-can-do-much-better-than-this.html","title":{"rendered":"Morality?  We can do much better than this&#8230;"},"content":{"rendered":"<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC \"-\/\/W3C\/\/DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional\/\/EN\" \"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/TR\/REC-html40\/loose.dtd\">\n<html><head><meta http-equiv=\"content-type\" content=\"text\/html; charset=utf-8\"><meta http-equiv=\"content-type\" content=\"text\/html; charset=utf-8\"><\/head><body><div title=\"Page 47\">\n<div>\n<p>I was shocked to read the most <a href=\"http:\/\/media.ldscdn.org\/pdf\/magazines\/ensign-march-2014\/2014-03-00-ensign-eng.pdf\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">recent article<\/a> on sexual morality that was just published in the March 2014 issue of the Ensign by Elder Tad R. Callister regarding a recent fireside he gave at BYU-Idaho, and have spoken with several other LDS professional therapists who were shocked as well. \u00a0I do not take the critique of a standing General Authority\u2019s position lightly \u2013 but I cannot stand silent on what I see as an extremely harmful approach to the sexual education of our members. \u00a0Here are some of the things I take issue with:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\n<div title=\"Page 47\">\n<div>\n<div>\n<div>\n<p>Callister singlehandedly wipes away all evidence-based \u201cbest practice\u201d methods or approaches, as well as any personal revelation for self or child by stating that, \u201cOne declaration (from God) trumps all the opinions of the lower courts, whether uttered by psycholo\u00adgists, counselors, politicians, friends, par\u00adents, or would\u00ad be moralists of the day.\u201d \u00a0The problem with this approach, of course (discussed in General Conference by Uchtdorf), is that God\u2019s \u201cdeclarations\u201d have been communicated and interpreted by fallible men \u2013 Callister included. \u00a0This is why it is so important to rely not only on prophetic teachings but also such doctrinal principles as personal revelation, intellectual study, spiritual study, and the influence of healthy approaches from therapists, parents, loved ones and others who would have our best interests in mind when coming to conclusions on such an important and sacred topic as sexual morality.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/li>\n<li>Callister refers to masturbation as \u201cself-abuse.\u201d \u00a0This is not an appropriate clinical term. \u00a0Self-abuse is a term currently used to describe unhealthy coping behaviors people use in order to manage overwhelming depression and anxiety (i.e. ritualistic cutting of the skin, pulling of hair, picking of scabs, burning of skin, etc.). \u00a0If you\u2019re going to take a stand either for or against masturbation \u2013 please call it masturbation. \u00a0Also, to refer to masturbation as self-abuse shames a natural developmental process that begins in the womb and hinders an important relationship with self that needs to be developed in a shame-free environment in order to facilitate the transition into healthy marital sexuality. \u00a0He states that the Lord \u201ccondemns\u201d masturbation \u2013 I have seen no evidence of this in any scriptural resource. \u00a0The only \u201ccondemning\u201d has come from a religious culture at large (way before <a href='https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/library\/mormonism' target='_blank'>Mormonism<\/a> even existed) and certain LDS prophets of old who have spoken on the subject (particularly President Kimball and Elder Packer). \u00a0But even Elder Packer demoted masturbation from \u201csin\u201d to \u201ctransgression\u201d in his address to young men back in the 1970\u2019s.<\/li>\n<li>Callister uses fear-based language and overall approach that is inconducive to healthy sexual education. \u00a0Although there is correct principle behind understanding the gravity of sexual responsibility towards others and self \u2013 using a fear-based approach to get this point across is not effective and usually contributes to problems rather than solving them. \u00a0He uses provocative imagery language (such as an Octopus\u2019 tentacles coming to get you) that elicits anxiety, fear and gives Satan more power than he deserves in our daily cognitive existence. \u00a0When we teach through fear, we increase anxiety. \u00a0And anxiety increases the probability of unhealthy coping strategies: exactly the opposite of what we want when dealing with sexuality. \u00a0I cannot stress this enough!!! \u00a0For a culture that is obsessed with using an addiction paradigm to deal with pornography viewing, for example, we need to recognize that this fear-based approach contributes to the types of behaviors we are so desperately trying to stop. \u00a0As leaders and educators we need to knock it off!<\/li>\n<li>Callister allows for no level of arousal or sexual thought outside of a spouse as a natural part of being a mortal human. \u00a0He speaks of avoiding material that is \u201cpornographic in ANY way.\u201d \u00a0For many of my OCD clients this becomes an impossible feat (because it is defined rigidly) \u2013 they cannot enjoy a museum where fine art depicts the human body, they cannot go to work where there exists \u201cwalking pornography\u201d through what is considered immodest dress, they cannot develop any tolerance to the sexual nature of the human experience. \u00a0This is just not a mature or realistic way to deal with sexuality and it gives sexual imagery more power than it would otherwise have if we could normalize the fact that sexuality has always been and will always be part of the human story \u2013 in art, literature, music, science, etc. \u00a0 Again more fear: \u201cNo one can claim to be fooled by the effects of pornography, believing there is any such thing as an innocent glance. It is a poisonous, venomous, unforgiving snake that will strike the moment you take your first look and will continue to strike with a full portion of venom with each look thereafter.\u201d \u00a0Goodness grief! \u00a0The imagery is just awful and anxiety producing. \u00a0If anyone spoke to my children like this about any aspect of sexuality \u2013 I would be incensed. \u00a0It uses inappropriate addiction-style language and promotes self-fulfilling prophecies which rob individuals of a more nuanced, agency-friendly approach to sexual experiences they may have had in the past or will continue to have in the future. \u00a0And even though he uses addiction language, he goes against current addiction treatment (AA approach) by stating \u201cat\u00a0some point willpower will be an indispensable ingredient\u2014there is not a pill or counseling technique to solve every addiction.\u201d \u00a0He is just not qualified to make these types of statements that can wreak havoc for those who are legitimately undergoing addiction treatment.<\/li>\n<li>Callister\u2019s statements on modest dress are sexist and offensive to both men and women. \u00a0First of all \u201cmodesty\u201d is only talked about in the context of clothing and it is only addressed to women. \u00a0He participates in classic \u201crape culture\u201d ideology where the woman is responsible for the man\u2019s sexual thoughts and actions. \u00a0This paragraph was truly shocking: \u201cWomen <em>particularly<\/em> can dress modestly and in the process contribute to their own self\u00ad respect and to <em>the moral purity of men<\/em>. In the end, most women get the type of man they dress for.\u201d \u00a0I am literally left speechless.<\/li>\n<li>Callister speaks of \u201clust\u201d as the reason why many would choose to have premarital or extramarital sexual experience. \u00a0First of all, lust need not be demonized as a feeling itself. \u00a0Lust is just another word for sexual arousal \u2013 and there are many times when it is appropriate to feel lust and especially to lust after your spouse: <em>\u201cLet thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. \u00a0Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.\u201d \u00a0Proverbs 5:18-19<\/em> \u00a0Now like any other feeling \u2013 if it causes behavior that is harmful to self or another, of course, it should be checked and appropriately managed. \u00a0Secondly, there are many more complicated issues that contribute to sexual choices than \u201cselfish lust\u201d: past sexual, physical or emotional abuse, personality traits or disorders, mental health diagnoses (i.e. bipolar disorder), trauma of any kind \u2013 just to name a few. \u00a0A very typical scenario I see is that of young women or men who have been sexually abused in their childhood: they are now dealing with complex and confusing dynamics as they try and navigate their own developing sexuality as teens and young adults. \u00a0Many report feeling like sexual decisions are not theirs to make but to be made upon them \u2013 after all, this is what sexual abuse teaches. \u00a0So they find themselves having \u201cconsensual\u201d sex with their boyfriend or girlfriend for reasons that don\u2019t seem genuinely theirs \u2013 many report feeling \u201cfrozen\u201d or just going along with things until they are over. \u00a0Others genuinely enjoy sexual contact and seek after it because it helps them feel validated and loved \u2013 since \u201clove\u201d was sexualized at an early age. \u00a0Now they decide to go through the repentance process and only share with their bishop the part where they have had sinful sexual experience. \u00a0And a well-meaning bishop who has no knowledge of their history inadvertently re-traumatizes them by placing the entire responsibility of their sexual choices on their \u201clust\u201d or sexual desire \u2013 completely bypassing the past trauma\u2019s effects and sexual healing that needs to occur. \u00a0And please, bishops, do not make the mistake to think that if you ask if there has been a history of abuse that an honest answer will be forthcoming. \u00a0The act of abuse disclosure is extremely difficult and abuse is often kept secret for decades if not a lifetime. \u00a0I am deeply concerned as to how many with past sexual trauma might interpret much of this article.<\/li>\n<li>Callister speaks to the LGBTQ community where a life of celibacy and singleness is the expectation as a condition to worthy participation in the service of the Lord. \u00a0It is my strong position that this is not a healthy stance for any human who naturally craves and needs the communion of partnership. \u00a0It sets the Mormon LGBTQ population up for almost guaranteed failure \u2013 being put in the position where they are forced to choose between personal\/relational health or community acceptance and participation closely tied to their spiritual development and relationship with God (also part of personal health). \u00a0Are we at all surprised that our Utah LGBTQ youth lead the nation in suicide? \u00a0But this I do not only fault Callister on \u2013 it is the current position of our church and material for a different blog post all together.<\/li>\n<li>Finally, Callister ends by saying that if we follow the advice given in the talk we will be \u201celigible for a spouse of <em>like<\/em> purity.\u201d \u00a0I cannot emphasize enough how damaging it is for members of the church who have sexually explored outside the realms of marriage, then gone through the appropriate repentance steps to still consider themselves as \u201cimpure\u201d because of their past actions. \u00a0And regardless of how many times we tell them that the atonement covers their sins \u2013 as long as we are measuring their worth by how \u201cpure\u201d (translation=virginal) they come to the table, they will suffer. \u00a0They often express to me their feelings of being ineligible for a \u201cpure\u201d spouse (meaning a virgin) if they themselves are not virgins. \u00a0And I cannot begin to number the amount of members who have reported either lying to their prospective spouses about their past sexual experiences out of fear of being rejected or having been honest, and then actually being rejected. \u00a0We put such emphasis on this value of purity that it wreaks havoc for our young adults on every level of the spectrum (whether they have only had one impure thought or they are chronically looking at pornography as a way to self soothe or have had premarital sex). \u00a0Purity is a principle much grander than behavioral actions we may have taken in the past \u2013 and until we start teaching this principle correctly, the honesty potential between couples will suffer and secrecy will thrive. (Side note-\u00a0Not to mention that tragically many who have been sexually abused, incorrectly perceive themselves or are abusively perceived by others as \u201cimpure.\u201d)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>The way that sexual standards are presented in this type of talk is unrealistic and sets people up for failure. \u00a0Very few will be able to achieve them at the level of rigidity in which they are communicated. \u00a0And if they can, there may be other factors at hand \u2013 such as having an asexual response (an entirely different topic altogether). \u00a0I cannot stress enough how many of these types of rigid, shaming and incorrect sexual teachings are the core reason why so many of our members struggle with healthy sexuality, the ability to claim personal authority and the correct sexual education of the next generation. \u00a0Although I enjoy the work I do \u2013 I do not enjoy the fact that this type of approach coming from this type of authority guarantees that I will have no shortage of business as an LDS sex therapist for many years to come. \u00a0This article successfully sets us back about 35 years.<br>\nI fully recognize that my authority will never trump that of a general authority in the eyes of LDS members \u2013 nor should it. \u00a0I do not hold the priesthood because I am a woman, and my church callings do not include the stewardship over the church membership at large. \u00a0Therefore, I understand that my opinions shared on this post will largely be held suspect. \u00a0I accept and recognize this.<\/p>\n<p>At the same time, I would hope that we would be more open in the church to exercise the correct principle of \u201ccouncils\u201d: the ability to invite others within our midst to dialogue and help with the needs of the church. \u00a0I would hope that general authorities would be willing to sit down with the many wonderful and faithful mental health professionals we have within our midst, and be open to different ideas and processes that would aid in the healthy sexual education, development and pleasure of our members. \u00a0After all, we share the same goals: healthy personal sexual development and appropriate, enjoyable sexual expression within the bounds of sacred commitment. \u00a0We value the Law of Chastity; a beautiful directive meant for our protection, enjoyment, relational health and developmental journey \u00a0towards becoming Godlike.<\/p>\n<p>Ironically, I agree with Callister\u2019s following quote: \u201cContrary to much public sentiment, there is nothing negative or restraining about God\u2019s moral standards. Rather, they are positive, uplifting, and liberating. They build relationships of trust, they enhance self \u00adesteem, they foster a clear conscience, and they invite the Spirit of the Lord to bless individual and married lives. They are the proven standards for happy marriages and stable communities.\u201d \u00a0It\u2019s unfortunate his approach didn\u2019t follow suit.<\/p>\n<p>*a few changes to this article were made on 2\/16\/2014 to integrate some of the thoughts readers have shared<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>A good example of healthy LDS sexual dialogue between a former bishop and an active LDS therapist (what we should be modeling):<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/mormondiscussion.podbean.com\/2014\/02\/13\/jennifer-finlayson-fife-lds-sexuality\/\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Jennifer Finlayson-Fife: LDS Sexuality<\/a><\/p>\n<p>Another problematic issue:<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.parentherald.com\/articles\/3880\/20140212\/strong-religious-beliefs-may-drive-self-perception-of-being-addicted-to-online-pornography.htm\" class=\" decorated-link\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow\">Strong Religious Beliefs May Drive Self-Perception of Being Addicted to Online Pornography<\/a><\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div>\n<div>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div title=\"Page 48\">\n<div>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div title=\"Page 49\">\n<div>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I was shocked to read the most recent article on sexual morality that was just published in the March 2014 issue of the Ensign by Elder Tad R. Callister regarding a recent fireside he gave at BYU-Idaho, and have spoken with several other LDS professional therapists who were shocked as well. \u00a0I do not take [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":766,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[49,45,14,21,22,36,62,37,16,23,10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1083","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-addiction","category-gospel-teachings","category-lgbtq","category-marriage","category-masturbation","category-pornography","category-self-injury","category-sexual-education","category-sexuality","category-single-adults","category-suicide-2"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v21.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Morality? We can do much better than this...<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I was shocked to read the most recent article on sexual morality that was just published in the March 2014 issue of the Ensign by Elder Tad R. Callister\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2014\/02\/morality-we-can-do-much-better-than-this.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Morality? We can do much better than this...\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I was shocked to read the most recent article on sexual morality that was just published in the March 2014 issue of the Ensign by Elder Tad R. 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We can do much better than this&#8230;"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/","name":"The Mormon Therapist","description":"A safe, confidential &quot;advice column&quot; to get your questions answered.","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/#\/schema\/person\/78971842fa93736d2376df2cd2ea8f54","name":"Natasha Helfer","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/85a797b548b6d0665ff186fb58c34aa3?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/85a797b548b6d0665ff186fb58c34aa3?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Natasha Helfer"},"sameAs":["http:\/\/natashaparker.org"],"url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/author\/natashaparker"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1083","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/766"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1083"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1083\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1083"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1083"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1083"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}