{"id":16,"date":"2012-01-09T23:15:00","date_gmt":"2012-01-09T23:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2012\/01\/engaged-and-struggling\/"},"modified":"2012-01-09T23:15:00","modified_gmt":"2012-01-09T23:15:00","slug":"engaged-and-struggling","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2012\/01\/engaged-and-struggling.html","title":{"rendered":"Engaged and struggling…"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>
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I am a faithful and active member of the LDS church<\/a>.\u00a0 In my teens I brushed with a form of textual pornography. I worked through it with my bishop when I was 17 and never went back to it since. I over-corrected myself. <\/div>\n
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I found the love of my life six months ago. We got engaged last month. And I\u2019ve been more affectionate with him than anyone. We\u2019ve napped together, cuddled horizontally, pushed each other against walls\/counters when kissing, kiss with tongue, and sometimes push the boundaries of what I feel are my absolute limits. This morning he placed his hip\/upper leg in the exact spot I told him I felt pleasure in (what I feel is my clitoris I think) and I became shocked\/stunned with pleasure and I told him it was not a good idea. We have pushed limits before and I defaulted to the Bishop, a result from how I handled sexual feelings before and from the ingrained feelings of knowing I went against the Strength of Youth, and the Bishop told me it was a commandment and something there to protect me.<\/div>\n
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I shared these feelings with my fiance later today, explaining the intense feelings of guilt and that I\u2019ve been suffering from depression\/anxiety. We\u2019re really open with each other and tell each other everything. We\u2019re excited about our compatible libidos and sex drive. We\u2019re excited to try new things (thanks to your site, I was able to see that things besides just the missionary positions are not only ok, but can really help the relationship between husband and wife). <\/div>\n
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My fiancee works harder than anyone I\u2019ve ever seen. He is the most wonderful person with children and will be such a great father. He cooks well. He has a great testimony that has touched my heart on many occasions. But when the prophets say things like playing cards and dice are evil, PG-13s have the influence of the devil, oral sex is wrong, etc. etc. then it leaves him feeling these words are not doctrine and that the Strength of Youth is not commandment but recommendations. That since we know, love and commit to each other for eternity (even though we\u2019re not married quite yet, not for another four months) that what we\u2019re doing is okay. Good even to help me desensitize and to get over my guilt about sex. I am a sexual person and I do not enjoy the level of guilt. I want to be able to be like him and to be confident that nothing will happen between us. I know nothing should really happen between us, we both love the temple, both want to be there, and feel sorry for those who didn\u2019t make it. My family has even given us a hard time about a long engagement, but our schedules only work out for five months from now.<\/div>\n
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My question is\u2026 am I still too unnecessarily conservative? Is the Strength of Youth just a recommendation? Is this pattern of guilt going to continue in my marriage? How do I stop it? How do I embrace my sexuality without jeopardizing our chance at the temple?\u00a0 I\u2019ve always been told if it feels wrong, then it probably is, but I don\u2019t trust my feelings because half the time I feel great about it, the other half like I\u2019m this monster. Depression and anxiety haven\u2019t helped me with this problem. But I\u2019ve taken care of those illnesses, I\u2019m just at a point where I want to enjoy my relationship with my beloved fiance. I can see that it frustrates him that I\u2019m always judging myself. He has this conversation with me every time we try something different and I\u2019m not sure if its a sin or not and have intense feelings of guilt (which are lessening the more I try and understand these feelings of closeness with him and our relationship). I wish I knew I can still go to the temple even when we cuddle too closely, as long as we don\u2019t pet (touch each other inappropriately with our hands), we don\u2019t take our clothes off (we always kept them on, I\u2019m still a very modest person), we don\u2019t penetrate anywhere at all (not orally, anally or vagina\/penis), and besides today we haven\u2019t been out of hand with arousal. We\u2019ve always kept our heads.\u00a0\u00a0<\/div>\n
Can I still have a temple marriage even when he aroused me like he did? Should we talk to the Bishop? Will the Bishop make things worse?\u00a0 I want to be with the love of my life who accepts all of me for me, and I accept all of him for him.\u00a0 I think I have sexual dreams, I don\u2019t remember them but I wake up feeling aroused. Is this normal? Am I ok to have such a strong sex drive? I\u2019ve never masturbated, just brushed with textual pornography once because of curiosity (like looking up sexual positions, etc. when I was a teen).\u00a0 <\/div>\n
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But my biggest feeling I get is\u2026 am I ok? Does the Lord still love me? Will I get through this? Will I lose my fiance if I don\u2019t know how to handle these feelings of guilt? Is my fiance normal? I love him so much. He loves me so much. What are we to do to make it through in one piece and preserve our love for one another and keep working hard together like we have been? <\/div>\n

First of all, congratulations on your upcoming marriage!\u00a0 What a wonderful time in your life.
There is a lot to cover in your comments so I\u2019ll try and hit on the main points that stand out to me:<\/p>\n

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  • Anxiety \u2013 Anxiety \u2013 Anxiety:\u00a0 Way too much of it.\u00a0 It raises some red flags for me regarding the possibility of your falling in the spectrum of obsessive compulsive disorder.\u00a0 More specifically scrupulosity: obsessions and compulsions within religious themes.\u00a0 You mention having been treated for both depression and anxiety before \u2013 both these disorders will enhance feelings of guilt and doubt of self worth.\u00a0 I would recommend further psychological evaluation and treatment to help assess whether or not anxiety is playing too large a role in your life.\u00a0\u00a0<\/li>\n
  • Along this same line, you seem to be very hard on yourself.\u00a0 For example, you report having viewed \u201ctextual pornography\u201d when it seems to me all you did was look up some definitions of sexual positions and\/or language out of normal teen curiosity.\u00a0 This is not something I would put in the \u201cpornography\u201d department.\u00a0 <\/li>\n
  • Arousal in of itself is not a sin.\u00a0 Arousal is a normal biological response that physiologically and psychologically healthy humans experience under a variety of circumstances.\u00a0 For example in dreams, when encountering an attractive person, when kissing, when viewing erotic material, etc.\u00a0 How we behave when aroused is what has the potential to be moral and healthy or sinful.\u00a0 From what you report of your sexual exploration, it does not sound to me like you are breaking the law of chastity.\u00a0 You are staying clothed, you are not touching genitalia and\/or breasts, there is no penetration \u2013 this sounds pretty chaste to me.\u00a0\u00a0<\/li>\n
  • Hallelujah you are able to feel arousal for your future husband!\u00a0 What a wonderful gift!\u00a0 Be so grateful for this natural response your body is having.\u00a0 You will have many years ahead to enjoy these feelings and explorations together.\u00a0 My main concern would be that this inappropriate guilt regarding arousal will continue once you are married.\u00a0 If so, it could potentially ruin your ability to give over to the wonderful abandon necessary to enjoy touch, exploration, orgasm, etc.\u00a0 Inappropriate guilt will be the enemy you can bond together to fight off. \u00a0\u00a0 <\/li>\n
  • I\u2019m not in the business of telling people they should or should not go to their bishop.\u00a0 This is a highly personal decision.\u00a0 You can go talk to your bishop about whatever you want.\u00a0 I will go as far to say the things you report don\u2019t fall under \u201cconfession\u201d material in my opinion.\u00a0 If getting your bishop\u2019s opinion on the matter would help assuage your guilt then maybe it would be a good idea.\u00a0 My only concern with clients who have OCD traits is they tend to present things to their bishops in a worse light than the behavior warrants.\u00a0 Confessing to a bishop can also become part of compulsive behavior.\u00a0 The best combination I have found for clients with scrupulosity is to have both a professional counselor and a bishop aware of the issues and in contact with one another as to the presenting problems.\u00a0\u00a0<\/li>\n
  • Your relationship with God: I\u2019m concerned with the question \u201cDoes the Lord still love me?\u201d\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s my perspective as a parent \u2013 but as a parent I would never want my child to doubt my love for them.\u00a0 I would never want them looking at me with constant fear of my disapproval.\u00a0 So my question to you would be:\u00a0 Is your religion working for you or against you?\u00a0 What God are you worshiping?\u00a0 Is He one who edifies you and helps you feel empowered and able to move forward in ways where you progress and find joy \u2013 even through your weaknesses and sins?\u00a0 Or are you worshiping One who leaves you feeling less than, belittled, and\/or overwhelmed \u2013 never able to meet a set standard?\u00a0 Where are you in your understanding of the gift of the atonement?\u00a0 In your understanding of your self worth?\u00a0 Just saying, but it may be time to convert to the gospel of Jesus Christ. \ud83d\ude42\u00a0 <\/li>\n
  • The only thing I\u2019m picking up on that isn\u2019t \u201cnormal\u201d is the amount of anxiety and self-doubt you are experiencing at a time when you should be basking in the joy of your engagement.\u00a0 Otherwise, it sounds like you are two \u201cnormal\u201d lovebirds preparing for the biggest adventure of your lives.\u00a0 <\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    I wish you the very best in that journey.\u00a0 I am encouraged by your desire to be worthy to go to the temple together.\u00a0 These common goals, values and desires can serve as wonderful foundations to your future relationship.\u00a0 Use the law of chastity for your benefit \u2013 as the Lord intended.<\/p>\n

    And P.S.\u00a0 Get a book on female anatomy, get a mirror and find out where your clitoris is.\u00a0 Its one purpose in life is to give you pleasure.\u00a0 A perfect anatomical design if you ask me.\u00a0 Enjoy!\u00a0 \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

    A note I will include for those who have married in or out of the temple with issues of not having kept the law of chastity as they understood it :\u00a0 I am concerned when these feelings of guilt, shame, secrecy, etc. stand to destroy the marriage.\u00a0 These circumstances are covered completely by the atonement. Please be willing to forgive yourselves and your spouse.\u00a0 Don\u2019t allow mistakes of passion and love (so easy to fall into) to destroy what you both so desperately want, desire and deserve.\u00a0 The author of this hopelessness is not God.\u00a0 Please get help to overcome these negative feelings if you are in such a situation.\u00a0 It is not worth going through a life together with this kind of pain.\u00a0 It is not what the Lord wants for either of you. \u00a0\u00a0 <\/p><\/div>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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