{"id":21,"date":"2011-11-30T09:19:00","date_gmt":"2011-11-30T09:19:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2011\/11\/self-hate\/"},"modified":"2011-11-30T09:19:00","modified_gmt":"2011-11-30T09:19:00","slug":"self-hate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2011\/11\/self-hate.html","title":{"rendered":"Self Hate"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>
\n
The following poem is written (and published with permission) by one of my clients who is working through many difficult issues: severe childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence and infidelity during a brief marriage, raising a child as a single mother, depression, social anxiety, chronic pain and obesity.\u00a0 <\/div>\n
We have been exploring her relationship with her body.\u00a0 I asked her to look herself in the mirror while nude and honestly assess how she sees herself \u2013 what she says to herself.\u00a0 This poem is what she came up with.\u00a0 I wanted to share her words in hopes of reaching out to others who feel similarly about themselves.\u00a0 I see so many men and women that are caught in the patterns of self-destructive dialogue within their own minds.\u00a0 For this client, being able to own her feelings and process for herself is a significant step in her ability to stop or reframe the critical voices in her head.\u00a0 The parts that were most poignant to me are 1 \u2013 when she asks how a body (or spirit for that matter) can thrive in an atmosphere of hate? and 2 \u2013 when she recognizes that self-hate has done a type of damage different from her perpetrators\u2019.\u00a0 I appreciate her vulnerability and her willingness to share such personal thoughts on a public forum such as this one.\u00a0 <\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
I stand and look in the mirror<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

Pure disgust my only thought<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

I see every scar, every roll, every mark of cellulite<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

And hate<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

Hate<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

Every part of my body<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

No limb is exempt<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

The arms and hands that lifted my son, <\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

Now struggle to lift themselves<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

The feet, the legs that carried me through life <\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

Now just pain when I stand<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

Back stooped, stomach cramped, shoulders tight<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

An old woman before my time, betrayed by joints and organs<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

But my body does not receive all my hate, or even most<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

The person within does not escape ridicule<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

How can a body thrive in hate?<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

Abused and despised, denied what it needs, <\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

It collapses<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

This body that has carried me through abuse and pain<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

Done its best to protect what\u2019s inside<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

Raped, beat, and neglected \u2013 it has survived<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

Poked, prodded, and cut open \u2013 it has survived<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

Carrying me through life beyond all expectations<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

Beyond all attempts otherwise \u00a0\u2013 it has survived<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

But life has taken its toll<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

Things start breaking down in the face of hate<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

Not just external, but internal<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

The destruction and hatred of any image of itself<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

The disgust, revoltingness, and shame when forced to acknowledge it is there<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

Self-hate and abuse have done what could not be accomplished by others<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

Is there any hope of recovery?<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

I do not know<\/i><\/div>\n

<\/i><\/p>\n

Not able to see past the disgust to even see hope<\/i><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The following poem is written (and published with permission) by one of my clients who is working through many difficult issues: severe childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence and infidelity during a brief marriage, raising a child as a single mother, depression, social anxiety, chronic pain and obesity.\u00a0 We have been exploring her relationship with her […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":766,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-21","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nSelf Hate<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The following poem is written (and published with permission) by one of my clients who is working through many difficult issues: severe childhood sexual\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, 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