This study of the significance of eternal marriage has been going on since my wife informed me, after the birth of our first two children about five years into our marriage, that if I were to die, \u201cof course she would remarry. She would need someone to provide support for her and the kids, and help raise them.\u201d My witty comeback was \u201cI\u2019m sure that\u2019s just what you would tell your new husband on your honeymoon night! When you have sexual relations in exchange for something of value ( a paycheck and help with diapers) I think that\u2019s called prostitution.\u201d And I don\u2019t think, after being married to Husband No. 2 and\/or bearing children with him, she would have divorced him at some point so she could prepare to spend eternity with me. Of course she countered she would stay married to Husband No. 2 in order to prepare to spend eternity with me. You know, she would \u201cpractice\u201d with him so she would be a better eternal spouse for me. Somehow, her answer and her outlook on eternal marriage and our sealing did not provide me one bit of comfort. In fact, it told me loud and clear that she had not made up her mind that she wanted to spend eternity with me, despite all the pronouncements of \u201clove\u201d and \u201cyou\u2019re the only one\u201d and so forth, uttered prior to and immediately after our sealing. Of course, from her perspective, having been brought up and taught that \u201cmost definitely, men will have more than one wife in the Celestial Kingdom,\u201d it only makes sense that she would want to even the score, even if only for a period of her mortal life. She was raised with the idea that once a woman is sealed, that\u2019s it. Presuming she and her first husband don\u2019t break any major commandments, they will be together in the Celestial Kingdom. It doesn\u2019t matter if the husband dies and the wife remarries because she wouldn\u2019t be able to be sealed to the second husband. The first husband would have to accept the fact that his wife loved another man, and that somehow she just wouldn\u2019t \u201clove\u201d her second husband in the same way and manner as the first, and wouldn\u2019t want to be with him forever. And if the wife died and the husband was sealed to another sister, then the first wife would come to \u201caccept\u201d polygamy in the eternities. And if two people married \u201cfor time only\u201d because they were already sealed, then that marriage was \u201cjust for their convenience and companionship.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n From that point forward I\u2019ve wondered what the doctrine was, why we say we\u2019re married for time and all eternity when it appears we\u2019re really not; why it is \u201cokay\u201d to remarry, and what the possible effects of remarriage would have with respect to the eternities. None of my questions affect non-members because most of the Christian world believes we\u2019ll all be one big happy \u201cfamily\u201d in the eternities, that there won\u2019t be family units, no husbands and wives, parents and children. Therefore, for nonmembers, \u201ctill death do you part\u201d presents no problem with respect to remarriage. In fact, non-members should remarry freely and easily because there is no expectation of an eternal relationship with their spouse. But that certainly isn\u2019t the case with Latter-day Saints. There is no \u201copen\u201d discussion of remarriage. When the topic comes up, people generally clam up or squirm in their chairs. When we hear of widows or widowers remarrying, congratulations and well wishing are everywhere. But no one dares ask: \u201cWhat impact do you think this will have on your first sealing? You say you\u2019re just remarrying to \u201ctake care of one another.\u201d Do you really think that\u2019s all a second marriage is? What are you going to do as your love for one another grows? What\u2019s going to happen to your relationship with your prior spouse?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019ve wondered \u2013 what would happen to me? If I had died after 5 or 10 years of marriage and my wife had remarried another righteous man, had children with him, and been married to him for another 40 or 50 years, would I just have to accept the fact that she had loved another man for that time period, but that I would have her for eternity? I\u2019m pragmatic. Why would my wife want to spend eternity with me if she had just spent 20, 30, 40 or 50 or even 60 years married to another man? What of the example of the woman married to the 7 brothers in the scriptures? What if she loved Husband No. 7 best of all? And what if the shoe were on my foot? Why would I remarry or even consider it? Or, could I remarry without worry and no matter what, my first wife would just have to accept my second wife as a plural wife? Or would I look for a previously sealed woman so I could tell children and family that remarriage was just \u201cto be taken care of.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Initially, I had convinced myself that if I died and my wife remarried, I guess she would \u201chave\u201d to spend eternity with me, even if she loved her second husband more than me. I actually almost felt sorry for her if she were to find herself in that predicament! But once I learned that we can seal women to all husbands they\u2019ve had in mortality, that really made matters confusing. If she had remarried, what would become of me if she eventually chose Husband No. 2 over me? Would she have to choose either one of us? Would she have two husbands in the eternities? Would I have a chance to find another wife in the Spirit World? If there isn\u2019t plural marriage in the eternities, and presuming she marries a man who is worthy of the Celestial Kingdom, why wouldn\u2019t she want to be with him for eternity as opposed to me? Would her choice be directly proportional to the amount of time married? How could I choose between my first wife and my second wife? Would I have to choose at all? Would any of us have to \u201cchoose\u201d at all, or would Heavenly Father just put people randomly together? Or, because He is our Father and knows us so well, would He basically put us all in arranged marriages? And if there is plural marriage, then why all this fuss over fidelity in mortality? Why isn\u2019t our church culture such that we should all strive to be married as much of our adult lives as possible? If it\u2019s no big deal to remarry, then why do people feel any guilt at all? Why don\u2019t leaders encourage members to embark on a dating spree as soon as the funeral is over? And I used to think if I outlived my wife, then maybe my chances were better. But once I fell upon the idea of dating in the Spirit World, that shot down all my hopes! I have experienced a sampling of my wife\u2019s \u201cout of sight \u2013 out of mind\u201d tendencies. Based on that experience, along with those comments made early in our marriage and others she\u2019s made since, I don\u2019t think she intends to stay \u201csingle\u201d any longer than is necessary, whatever side of the veil she\u2019s on.<\/span><\/p>\n I know we like to address the general rule and deal with the exceptions individually. (See talk by Elder Boyd K. Packer \u201cFollow the Rule\u201d, BYU Speeches, 14 Jan. 1977) That is a great strategy. But in this case, the general rule is that at some point after we\u2019re sealed, we\u2019re going to be single again. The odds of living to a ripe old age with your spouse and both of you dying in your sleep are extremely small. Therefore, you would think the general rule \u2013 an explanation of sealing policies and the effects of remarriage \u2013 would be readily known. A few minutes of internet browsing and searching and you\u2019ll see that the \u201cdoctrine\u201d is anything but readily known, nor are the temple sealing policies known to rank and file church members. I used to think I was the only church member who didn\u2019t understand the doctrine. Now I\u2019ve come to find out that no one understands it! I haven\u2019t found one clear, concise quote made public by any modern authority that answers the issues I\u2019ve raised. Add to that the contradictory statements found in talks and articles. Just when I think I understand everything, another leader will say something opposite. Despite clearly worded sealing policies, there is nothing in modern revelation outlining the effect of remarriage on sealings, plural marriage, agency, or what choices will have to be made in the after life. I\u2019ve never had to know the end result with respect to a particular set of circumstances, but I think a general understanding of principles is a fair inquiry. I know we\u2019ll be families in the eternities. I think we\u2019ll be monogamous with very little exception. That\u2019s why I believe any marriage (really any significant relationship) impacts the eternities, and therefore you had better be prepared to accept the consequences if you remarry.<\/span><\/p>\n Will there be plural marriage in the eternities or not? If yes, then will men have plural wives? Will women have plural husbands? If I die and my wife remarries, and I am one of her plural husbands, will I have the chance to find another wife in the Spirit World so that I have plural wives, also? And if we won\u2019t have plural marriage will we have to choose one spouse out of the many to whom we might be sealed because of marriages entered into in mortality? Will only women have to pick, and not men? For those husbands or wives that are not \u201cpicked,\u201d will there be an opportunity in the Spirit World to find another spouse? I think those are fair questions. If we believe in plural marriage in the eternities, that there\u2019s nothing wrong with becoming one flesh with more than one person, there really is no incentive at all not to be married as much of your adult life as possible. If the ability to have romantic love for successive people is \u201cacceptable,\u201d doesn\u2019t show a lack of loyalty, and not against the laws of the land nor of the gospel, then why not try and be married as much as possible? (Like Bryant Hinckley) On the other hand, if we\u2019re going to be monogamous, then why would I allow myself to fall in love with another person, knowing my spouse is alive and well in the Spirit World? (Like Elder Richard G. Scott). Is our doctrine really serial monogamy in mortality, plurality or polyamorous in perpetuity?<\/span><\/p>\n I am a \u201cwaiter\u201d married to a \u201cnon-waiter.\u201d Ever since I understood that my wife was, and still is, open to the idea of spending eternity with someone else, I have kept my feelings in check. Outwardly we have a wonderful marriage. We\u2019ve been married 30 years, raised 5 wonderful children. We\u2019re active and hold callings. But deep down inside there is an intimate part of me that refuses to give our marriage 100% because I don\u2019t really believe my wife has a desire to spend eternity with me. I provide for her comfort and care. I\u2019m often complimented on what a good husband I am. It\u2019s a passive aggressive kind of feeling. My wife would never commit adultery or otherwise not keep her basic covenants. But since remarriage is technically not in violation of temple covenants, the whole scheme of eternal marriage is placed in doubt.<\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019m not sure what type of response you are looking for from me on this issue but I will give you some of my ideas and general concerns for us as a culture at large.\u00a0 I agree the doctrine and history of polygamy within our church is complicated, unclear and even taboo.\u00a0 Since the early 1900\u2019s we have collectively separated ourselves from polygamy without in any shape or fashion coming to terms with it.\u00a0 We currently have an official statement saying we do not practice polygamy and we excommunicate members who do.\u00a0 However, as you have pointed out, on an eternal schema \u2013 the doctrinal territory is still very much in the open with no clarifying direction coming from our leaders.\u00a0 I am not in a position to offer that direction \u2013 which I agree is needed.\u00a0 My main concerns lie with the following considerations:<\/p>\n\n