{"id":4084,"date":"2019-05-21T11:00:20","date_gmt":"2019-05-21T16:00:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/?p=4084"},"modified":"2019-05-21T11:01:16","modified_gmt":"2019-05-21T16:01:16","slug":"different-ways-we-could-say-goodbye-when-people-leave-the-church","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2019\/05\/different-ways-we-could-say-goodbye-when-people-leave-the-church.html","title":{"rendered":"Different Ways we Could Say Goodbye when People Leave the Church"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

I\u2019ve considered for a while now how people are treated when they leave church communities or shift in their beliefs. It seems like the more orthodox a religion, the more poorly this is done\u2026 with potential rifts in relationships, disciplinary actions, shared anger and angst, etc. Mormonism<\/a> is no exception. Although most church communities celebrate newcomers, ignoring that they too just said goodbye to something in order to say hello to us\u2026. I do not see a similar acknowledgment of well wishes when people decide to go elsewhere. I would invite us all to consider what it would be like to say something along the likes of, \u201cwe wish you well on your spiritual journey, even though it takes you away from our community.\u201d \u201cWe honor your thoughts and beliefs as they\u2019ve shifted from ours. May you enjoy and find peace on your new road.\u201d Is it our own egos that get in the way from being able to do this? Is it a personal threat when someone comes to different conclusions than our own? I\u2019m well versed in tribal dynamics and \u201cgroup think\u201d and yet, some groups do better than others on this type of skill. Maybe if we can just start from an individual goal with all of us being willing to ask ourselves a simple question: \u201cCan I celebrate this person\u2019s journey even if it\u2019s one that leads them away from the church I belong to and the beliefs I have?\u201d<\/p>\n

Today\u2019s guest post is written by Gina Colvin.\u00a0Opinions shared on guest posts may not completely reflect the \"\"positions of the blog\u2019s author.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0Gina Colvin <\/strong>is a New Zealander of M\u0101ori, English, Irish, Welsh, German and French descent, and\u00a0 a multi-generation life long Mormon.\u00a0 Gina also a university lecturer mostly teaching and writing in the field of \u00a0cultural studies.<\/em><\/p>\n

When I calculate the combined years of service, and money and sacrifice given by people from my stake who have left the church I just wish they could be thanked by the local leaders.<\/span><\/p>\n

Instead, these good people suffer from the gradual cold shunning and forgetting, punctuated by intermittent programmed outreach efforts.<\/span><\/p>\n

No tender farewells or healthy goodbyes or the open grieving of the community who have lost one of their own.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Perhaps they think the punishment of shunning will be enough to teach the \u2018leave taker\u2019 a lesson so that they\u2019ll come back. But, it just makes enemies or creates bitterness.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m grateful for the active LDS friends in my stake who have stayed friends with me even though my relationship with the church is troubled.<\/span><\/p>\n

But, I wish they would go to my other friends and ask \u2013 without agenda:<\/span><\/p>\n

1. Tell me your story. How did it come to this?<\/span>
\n2. Do you need anything more from us?<\/span>
\n3. How would you like your leave-taking to be acknowledged by the community?<\/span>
\n4. What will you do now?<\/span><\/p>\n

And I wish they would say, \u2018Thank you\u2019 and \u2018Sorry.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\n

Natasha Helfer Parker, LCMFT, CST can be reached at\u00a0natashaparker.org<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0runs an online practice,\u00a0Symmetry Solutions<\/em><\/strong><\/a>, which focuses on helping families and individuals with faith concerns, sexuality and mental health. She hosts the\u00a0Mormon Mental Health<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0Mormon Sex Info<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0Podcasts, is the current president of the\u00a0Mormon Mental Health Association<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0and runs a sex education program,\u00a0Sex Talk with Natasha<\/strong><\/a>. She has over 20 years of experience working with primarily an LDS\/Mormon clientele.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve considered for a while now how people are treated when they leave church communities or shift in their beliefs. It seems like the more orthodox a religion, the more poorly this is done\u2026 with potential rifts in relationships, disciplinary actions, shared anger and angst, etc. Mormonism is no exception. Although most church communities celebrate […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":766,"featured_media":4090,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[57,75,170],"tags":[70,46,29,47,115],"class_list":["post-4084","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-faith-crisisfaith-transition","category-relationships","category-spirituality","tag-faith-transition","tag-lds","tag-mormon","tag-mormonism","tag-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nDifferent Ways we Could Say Goodbye when People Leave the Church<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I've considered for a while now how people are treated when they leave church communities or shift in their beliefs. 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