{"id":41,"date":"2011-10-06T12:26:00","date_gmt":"2011-10-06T12:26:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2011\/10\/porn-versus-erotica\/"},"modified":"2011-10-06T12:26:00","modified_gmt":"2011-10-06T12:26:00","slug":"porn-versus-erotica","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2011\/10\/porn-versus-erotica.html","title":{"rendered":"Porn versus Erotica"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>
\n
An email conversation with one of my readers:<\/span> <\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Hello Natasha,<\/div>\n
I\u2019ve been following your blog for a few months and really appreciate what you do. I listened to your recent podcast on Mormon Stories on pornography and thought it was excellent. I think your willingness to openly discuss and analyze important topics is something we need more of. In fact, my issue is that many of the questions I or my husband have are difficult to discuss with other LDS members.\u00a0<\/div>\n
I\u2019ve been married for almost ten years, and we\u2019ve both been struggling with our libidos the past two years. We\u2019ve spent time learning about sex together, overcoming the good girl, and good boy, syndrome and have made great strides in improving our sexual intimacy. I could ask a hundred questions, but my main concern is about taking my abstract beliefs about erotica and pornography and applying them to actual content. We\u2019ve used some erotic videos as learning aids, and they\u2019ve really improved my attitude and overall affection for my own sexuality. But I feel like I have no sounding board for many issues.\u00a0<\/div>\n
I\u2019ve found some blogs and articles that linked to these two vimeo channels (vimeo is an online video site). One is called Love, Intimacy, and Sexuality and the other is called Sensate Focus and Orgasmic Massage. I\u2019ve considered their videos erotic but enlightening and very helpful as far as learning how to enjoy sex and see it as good and fun and bonding. On your podcast, you said you had explored a bit to get a feel for what was out there in terms of erotica and pornography. Here\u2019s my question: Am I way off base to consider these types of videos beneficial and woman-friendly erotica, or am I completely misjudging the distinction between erotica and porn?\u00a0<\/div>\n
Thank you, Natasha. I appreciate your opinion and I hope I\u2019m not out of line for asking this question. <\/div>\n

Absolutely not out of line!\u00a0 I\u2019m currently on vacation so I\u2019ll get back to you once I\u2019ve had a chance to watch them. However, I would like both you and your husband to trust each other more than me or a general authority \ud83d\ude09
I\u2019ll definitely give you my opinion though. And congrats on being willing to enter into a sexual adventure together!!<\/p>\n

I looked over the videos you sent \u2013 again, thanks.
I believe that as a Mormon therapist I would still qualify these as pornography rather than erotica, although I agree with you that they are much \u201csofter\u201d than other things I have come across and more woman-friendly.\u00a0 My main complaint still stands \u2013 not relational. \ud83d\ude42
However, I don\u2019t want my opinion to stand in the way of the decision between you and your husband as far as what you believe is beneficial to your relationship and your sexuality \u2013 because that is relational.\u00a0 And the fact that these videos helped you have a more positive process towards your sexuality is definitely something that I\u2019d want you to celebrate.\u00a0
Erotica and pornography are terms that are defined differently by all kinds of people \u2013 so that is a challenge.\u00a0
I also don\u2019t want my opinion to cause unnecessary shame or guilt or have you go back to issues around \u201cgood-girl\u201d or \u201cgood-boy\u201d syndrome.\u00a0
So, just take my opinion as an opinion and continue with your husband to do what is best for the two of you.
Thanks and feel free to write again,
Natasha
\u00a0
Thank you, Natasha, for responding. I really appreciate your input. May I ask a few brief clarifying questions? First, when you say \u201crelational,\u201d do you mean that those particular videos didn\u2019t emphasize a relationship between the actors, or do you mean more generally that pornography isn\u2019t relational relative to the viewer\u2019s relationship with their spouse? Second, do you believe there was a significant distinction in degree of appropriateness between the more instructional massage videos and the couples videos?\u00a0 Finally, do you recommend any resources, such as specific websites, videos, films, books, etc. as examples of more relational erotica?<\/span><\/p>\n

Thanks again.\u00a0 We value your insight and I have to say that your opinion resonates well with how I\u2019ve been thinking about it this past week.<\/span><\/p>\n

1. Relational meaning there is no relationship between the actors.\u00a0 I think that pornography viewing with your spouse is relational \u2013 it just doesn\u2019t happen to fall into our religious framework as appropriate activity and there can be other issues as well that are true for all who look at pornography (i.e. arousal templates affected, unrealistic expectations of partner or self, ethical dilemmas, etc.).
2. As far as appropriateness, I would venture a no \u2013 I probably saw them as equal in appropriateness.\u00a0
3.\u00a0 I really need to work on having more resources.\u00a0 I wish I had more time to look this stuff up!!\u00a0 \ud83d\ude42\u00a0 I love Pablo Neruda\u2019s poetry, \u201cOutlander\u201d by Diana Gabaldon is a book that has a lot of erotica between a husband and wife that I enjoy but it\u2019s a lot more than just a sexual story.\u00a0 I know I was exposed to some educational videos during graduate school but I would need to do some searches.\u00a0 The Kama Sutra is a great resource for couples.\u00a0
Sorry I don\u2019t have more resources.\u00a0 I\u2019ll try to get to work on that.
Natasha<\/p>\n

Thanks again for taking time to respond.\u00a0 Outside the church you hear so many pro-porn arguments, so I\u2019ve been researching non-religious based articles that discuss negative effects. I thought you might find some of these interesting. This first link has several posts by the same writer who raises concerns about viewing sexual material:<\/span>
<\/span>
http:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/blog\/cupids-poisoned-arrow<\/span>
<\/span>
I thought this article on Psychology Today was timely \ud83d\ude42 The article has a quote right in line with your comment about not being relational.\u00a0 \u201cPornography is literally sex sans relationship.\u201d In these last two weeks, I\u2019ve definitely been rethinking my opinion on the links I sent and would consider them something I should do without. <\/span>
<\/span>
http:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/blog\/evolution-the-self\/201104\/what-distinguishes-erotica-pornography<\/span>
<\/span>
Thanks, Natasha.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

An email conversation with one of my readers: Hello Natasha, I\u2019ve been following your blog for a few months and really appreciate what you do. I listened to your recent podcast on Mormon Stories on pornography and thought it was excellent. I think your willingness to openly discuss and analyze important topics is something we […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":766,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-41","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nPorn versus Erotica<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"An email conversation with one of my readers: Hello Natasha,I've been following your blog for a few months and really appreciate what you do. 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