{"id":419,"date":"2009-08-31T08:26:00","date_gmt":"2009-08-31T08:26:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2009\/08\/doesnt-this-infringe-on-his-honesty\/"},"modified":"2009-08-31T08:26:00","modified_gmt":"2009-08-31T08:26:00","slug":"doesnt-this-infringe-on-his-honesty","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2009\/08\/doesnt-this-infringe-on-his-honesty.html","title":{"rendered":"Doesn’t this infringe on his honesty?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

What I\u2019ve found is that talking about it <\/a>(not too much or often so I sound like a nag) with my husband has worked out. I was 19 when I married my then 27 year-old previously divorced husband. Of course I knew he had a lot of sexual experience, and he told me that he felt gross when we compared notes on our sexual history. He actually didn\u2019t want to finish giving his.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Now, I\u2019m 22, he\u2019s almost 30, and I want to do it more often than he does, but because we\u2019ve talked and agreed that we both need to be satisfied we use \u201cadult toys\u201d together, once in a while. It makes it so that he doesn\u2019t feel so pressured, and he quite enjoys pleasuring me, too.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve never talked about this to anyone, but I like it. I like that he cares enough to make sure I enjoy sex, too. Because it\u2019s true that the man always ejaculates (orgasms) and the woman not so much.<\/p>\n

Anyway, sex is just one part of our lives, and it doesn\u2019t consume our time as much as say family time, or going out or hanging out, making each other laugh. I did hate that he had such an active sex life, but I loved him and that didn\u2019t change this fact. He doesn\u2019t think about ex-girlfriends, or the ex-wife when he\u2019s with me, so really, I moved on a long time ago.<\/p>\n

It would be bad if he brought them up, especially if he did it when I was trying to initiate some sexual intimacy, but he doesn\u2019t. If he did, I would tell him that it bothered me, or made me feel insecure, and like I shouldn\u2019t ask (which shouldn\u2019t be; spouses should be completely honest). But then doesn\u2019t that infringe on his honesty? I don\u2019t think so. I think he should move on, too, from his past. He should make these memories with you. Or at least let you experience what you want to experience. It isn\u2019t as if doing it with someone else is an option. He should be sensitive, but you should be sensitive too. Don\u2019t constantly nag that you hate his past. He can\u2019t change it. Nobody can change it. So if you don\u2019t like it, just don\u2019t dwell on it so much. If you gently openly communicate this to your spouse, you can always work something out. <\/p>\n


<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
Thank you for your comments on what has helped you deal with similar feelings and a similar situation.<\/span><\/span> <\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
As far as your question regarding honesty, you don\u2019t have to share every sorted detail of your sexual past to be \u201chonest.\u201d In fact, sharing too many details can be detrimental in that it can take a spouse a long time to get over the pain and visualization that tends to take place in these circumstances. <\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span>\n

<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

My advice would be to keep it simple and keep it somewhat generic. A spouse or a fiancee have the right to know if one has been sexual (this includes oral sex) previous to being married, with how many partners one has been sexually active with, if there has been any history of sexually transmitted disease, and if there has been a \u201crepentance process\u201d that took place. Any more detail than that is truly not necessary. Couples can share more if they are both comfortable but both parties need to be prepared not to use this type of information against the other in times of conflict and they also need to be mature enough not to let this information come between them in the bedroom. The purpose of this type of disclosure is to heighten the sense of a couple\u2019s intimacy with openness, loving communication, acceptance and a better knowledge of where the other comes from. <\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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