{"id":421,"date":"2009-08-29T10:33:00","date_gmt":"2009-08-29T10:33:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2009\/08\/it-sucks-that-i-saved-a-precious-gift-for-a-man-who-didnt-value-it\/"},"modified":"2009-08-29T10:33:00","modified_gmt":"2009-08-29T10:33:00","slug":"it-sucks-that-i-saved-a-precious-gift-for-a-man-who-didnt-value-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2009\/08\/it-sucks-that-i-saved-a-precious-gift-for-a-man-who-didnt-value-it.html","title":{"rendered":"It sucks that I saved a precious gift for a man who didn’t value it…"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

This is the first time I\u2019ve seen someone address <\/span><\/span>this situation<\/span><\/span><\/a>\u2013 thank you! My spouse was married before and so he had all his \u2018firsts\u2019 with his ex. I waited to have mine with him.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve felt pretty ripped off because all the fun of discovery etc. was old hat to him and he wasn\u2019t that interested in making it all special for ME. I\u2019ve been married 13 years and it still bugs me.<\/p>\n

We are well matched in terms of frequency and desire but I do resent that she got the best of him and for the rest of my life, I get the leftovers. It sucks that I saved a precious gift (which was NOT easy for me) for a man who didn\u2019t really value it anyway. <\/p>\n


<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
You\u2019re welcome! I\u2019m glad this blog is addressing issues that you find useful.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/div>\n
I\u2019m concerned that an issue you had very little control over (other than the fact that you agreed to marry a man you knew had been previously married) is causing so much sadness and resentment in your sexual relationship with your husband. And maybe this is even affecting other areas of your lives together?<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
I\u2019d like to challenge some of your thoughts so that hopefully you can move to a more intimate stance with your spouse in the future:<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
\n
    \n
  • First of all, I do not agree that your husband\u2019s ex-wife \u201cgot the best of him.\u201d Yes, they shared sexual intimacy but they also must have shared a lot of heartache and dispute if they ended up divorced. Your relationship is different and unique from his first marriage \u2013 and why was he \u201cbetter\u201d then? Does his \u201cbest\u201d only encapsulate his virginity? I think not. His best may yet be ahead of you both. As we mature and age, we hopefully become more tolerant, loving and understanding \u2013 having learned from our mistakes. And as we become more comfortable with ourselves both emotionally and physically, the sex can get much better as well. <\/span><\/span><\/li>\n
  • The fact that you were able to save yourself sexually for your marriage is a wonderful achievement that is, more than anything, for the purpose of your own personal joy, happiness and relationship with God. Yes, spouses also benefit from having their partners come into the relationship chaste, but primarily it\u2019s about you. Regardless of what state your spouse entered the marriage, you will always benefit from blessings promised you for keeping yourself morally clean. You\u2019ve saved yourself from much psychological and emotional sorrow. You\u2019ve allowed your life to be less complicated. <\/span><\/span><\/li>\n
  • The fact that you speak of your husband as a \u201cleftover\u201d is somewhat disrespectful. Just because he has had previous sexual experience, it does not make him any less worthy or any less of a beloved son of God. I don\u2019t think this is how our Father in Heaven would think of your husband. Plus, it minimizes the grand possibilities the atonement offers in both his and your life. We all make mistakes. We all have regrets. But we are not leftovers. The atonement allows for new ingredients to be mixed, new recipes to be cooked, and new, delectable entrees to be reveled in. <\/span><\/span><\/li>\n
  • You bring up a good point in that people who have been sexually active previous to their current marriage with a different partner (regardless of the circumstance) need to come into the new relationship willing to discuss the implications and feelings surrounding this topic \u2013 especially when the other has had little to no sexual experience. Sexual exploration and communication should still be very much \u201con the table\u201d and enjoyable for both. It is limiting and inappropriate to say, \u201cWell, I\u2019ve tried that before and I really don\u2019t want to try that with you.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/li>\n
  • You should both be \u201cinvested\u201d in making love-making\/sex a time of bonding, a time of mutual respect, a time of love and admiration, a time of compliments, a time of fun, a time of passion, a time of pleasure. <\/span><\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
    I would hope that you can begin to have a very open conversation with your husband about this issue, being honest about your feelings \u2013 especially since it\u2019s been bothering you so long and you felt non-valued. If it doesn\u2019t go well with just the two of you, I would highly recommend some sessions with a marital and\/or sex therapist. I would expect you would not need a lot of time in therapy, but a few sessions (3-4) might do the both of you some good. Good luck! Remember that Heavenly Father doesn\u2019t want either one of you wallowing in past sorrows \u2013 it\u2019s much brighter, exciting and productive to look around in the \u201cnow\u201d and forward to the magnificent potential you share as a couple. The best is definitely ahead! <\/span><\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    This is the first time I\u2019ve seen someone address this situation\u2013 thank you! My spouse was married before and so he had all his \u2018firsts\u2019 with his ex. I waited to have mine with him. I\u2019ve felt pretty ripped off because all the fun of discovery etc. was old hat to him and he wasn\u2019t […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":766,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-421","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nIt sucks that I saved a precious gift for a man who didn't value it...<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"This is the first time I've seen someone address this situation- thank you! My spouse was married before and so he had all his 'firsts' with his ex. 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