{"id":4219,"date":"2019-04-02T23:23:54","date_gmt":"2019-04-03T04:23:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/?p=4219"},"modified":"2019-04-04T17:20:52","modified_gmt":"2019-04-04T22:20:52","slug":"theres-no-such-thing-as-broken-family","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2019\/04\/theres-no-such-thing-as-broken-family.html","title":{"rendered":"There’s No Such Thing as Broken Family"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"\"I really struggle with the stigma I feel at church since I\u2019ve recently gone through a divorce. Not only have people said really hurtful things about how we have \u201cfailed\u201d and how we are now a \u201cbroken\u201d family, but I tend to believe these things myself. Even though I know we made the right decision. And even though we are doing a pretty good job at getting along, co-parenting and trying our best to do things with the kids as a family still. Not to mention my best\u00a0friend who was in a really abusive marriage and took years to get out because she didn\u2019t\u00a0want to feel responsible for \u201cbreaking\u201d her family up. What are your thoughts about this?<\/i><\/p>\n

Although most would agree that divorce is obviously not the goal when we initially get together with a partner and start a life journey, I would hope that most would also agree it\u2019s an important option to have when things change, definitely when abuses are present, and when those involved in this very complex and difficult decision agree it\u2019s the best way forward. I agree with you that the language we use around this topic is awful and stigmatizing. I would hope all families can be celebrated regardless of the marital relationship of the original partnership. In Mormonism<\/a> we have had the option for divorce without many of the doctrinal issues that other religious faiths have (i.e. Catholicism). At the same time, we are language heavy in ways that are inappropriate, we idolize the \u201cintact\u201d family system and we have issues with temple sealings that make divorce particularly difficult for women. So there is work to be done.<\/p>\n

I would hope we could rely more on our doctrines about eternal \u201cfamily\u201d relationships where it\u2019s much more inclusive than the heavy focus on marriage, that we could understand that there are many myths about how \u201ceasy\u201d it is to get a divorce and that it is the \u201ceasy way out\u201d (the research does not support this with most people taking about 7-10 years to make a decision to divorce), that our health and lifespan is directly related to whether or not we find ourselves in healthy or toxic marriages, and that the relationship with Christ can be more of a focus than certain types of families in our Sunday meetings. I really liked the following post where Alice invites us to rethink some of our narratives, and that we make sure we teach our young women and men that abuse is never something to be \u201cendured.\u201d There are very legitimate reasons to part ways.<\/p>\n

Today\u2019s guest post is written by Alice Petersen. Opinions shared on guest posts may not completely reflect the positions of the blog\u2019s author.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Alice Petersen is a Mormon-ish mom of two teens.\u00a0 She enjoys subversive cross-stitching\u00a0and lives in Utah with her partner and two cats.\u00a0 Alice is currently starting her life over on her own terms\u2026taking lots of mental health\u00a0meds and procrastinating at returning to therapy.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Alice\u2019s post is in response to this Tweet:<\/p>\n

\"\"
(Twitter)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Can we please update the conversation around Family and Marriage? #AlicesVeryLongThoughtsOnTheSubject<\/span><\/p>\n

Marriage is not the gold standard.\u00a0 Healthy humans are the gold standard.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

There is no such thing as a broken family. A family may change what it looks like, but it is not broken, it is just different.\u00a0 <\/span><\/p>\n

P.S. different is not negative.\u00a0 Different is not bad.\u00a0 It is just different.<\/span><\/p>\n

P.S. change is not bad.\u00a0 Change is not negative.\u00a0 Change brings growth.\u00a0 Change brings challenges.\u00a0 Change is not always fun.\u00a0 Change is not bad.<\/span><\/p>\n

Can we please start supporting \u201cactual, existent families\u201d rather than an idealized versions of \u201cThe Family\u201d that may or may not exist and just ends up making children, who have no control over the situation\/martial status\/child bearing status??\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Can we please support the life, health, nutrition, and safety of \u201cactual, existent humans\u201d just as much as we do potential humans?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Can we please entertain the thought that the endless, daily work and nurturing done by parents, family members, regardless of their supposed worthiness, is more eternally important that a 2 minute sealing ceremony performed by a stranger.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Natasha Helfer Parker, LCMFT, CST can be reached at\u00a0natashaparker.org<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0runs an online practice,\u00a0Symmetry Solutions<\/em><\/strong><\/a>, which focuses on helping families and individuals with faith concerns, sexuality and mental health. She hosts the\u00a0Mormon Mental Health<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0Mormon Sex Info<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0Podcasts, is the current past-president of the\u00a0Mormon Mental Health Association<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0and runs a sex education program,\u00a0Sex Talk with Natasha<\/strong><\/a>. She has over 20 years of experience working with primarily an LDS\/Mormon clientele.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I really struggle with the stigma I feel at church since I\u2019ve recently gone through a divorce. Not only have people said really hurtful things about how we have \u201cfailed\u201d and how we are now a \u201cbroken\u201d family, but I tend to believe these things myself. Even though I know we made the right decision. 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