{"id":46,"date":"2011-09-22T10:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-09-22T10:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2011\/09\/resources-for-teen-sexual-education\/"},"modified":"2012-10-15T00:06:20","modified_gmt":"2012-10-15T05:06:20","slug":"resources-for-teen-sexual-education","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2011\/09\/resources-for-teen-sexual-education.html","title":{"rendered":"Resources for Teen Sexual Education?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>
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Natasha \u2013 thanks for a great blog. My husband and I have a toddler son, but I am already thinking about his adolescence and future sex education. Obviously it is a long way off, and things might change in the meantime, but I really wish there were more resources available to young people to actually get clear, honest, non shame-inducing sex education. I know some people who turn to porn mostly out of curiosity, who in my view just start with a legitimate need to learn about sex and their own sexuality. Porn is what they find to fill that sex education void. I feel like they might have benefited if there were other options for them to explore and learn about sex without all the potentially negative messages or experiences they end up encountering through porn. I think they can handle sexually explicit information by late adolescence, in fact they absolutely need good clear information in our culture where they encounter sexual messages every day \u2013 but the only source they can find to fill in the gaps is internet porn. I keep thinking there has to be another option, something satisfying and helpful and affirming, something that celebrates real sex instead of fantasy sex, something that educates and helps them anticipate and develop toward healthy and meaningful relational sex, instead of potentially sending the wrong message or becoming problematic as internet porn sometimes can. But I can\u2019t find any such thing. My question then is, what would you suggest to adolescents who need sources of positive, real sex education? I hope I can find ways to provide that some day as a parent, but I wish I knew about better resources, and I feel for youth who need information and don\u2019t know where to get it (who are repeatedly told that porn is dangerous, but are then provided with no alternative).<\/div>\n
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It is a great thing you are already taking your son\u2019s sexual education seriously.\u00a0 There are many ways you can currently begin this important process \u2013 use correct anatomical language; answer questions simply in an age-appropriate and honest manner; allow for self touch (as he gets a bit older \u2013 4 to 5ish \u2013 you may calmly and non-shamefully suggest he go into his room where he can touch himself in private); show appropriate physical affection openly with your spouse if you are married and probably most importantly \u2013 work on any of your own sexual inhibitions\/education.<\/div>\n
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As far as pornography is concerned \u2013 there are many reasons why adolescents today will more than likely have at least one experience viewing it.\u00a0 The most obvious reason being availability having become much more accessible.\u00a0 Peer pressure and curiosity are also common reasons.\u00a0 Even the healthiest of sexual education provided by parents will not guarantee that pornography will not be viewed \u2013 and parents shouldn\u2019t put this guilt trip on themselves.\u00a0 However, a healthy sexual education can decrease a teen\u2019s propensity towards having a more chronic problem with pornography.\u00a0 A few ideas of what can be helpful: sharing our values with our teens, allowing for their feelings\/questions\/ideas to be expressed (even if not completely in line with our own), educating as to the \u201cwhys\u201d pornography is not something you want them getting involved with, discussing cultural norms and scientific research, and responding in a loving, normalizing and non-shameful way if it comes to your attention that your teen has been exposed to porn.\u00a0 Just as a brief example: \u201cIt saddens me that you have been watching pornography because I don\u2019t want your sexuality to be skewed in an unhealthy way.\u00a0 Sex is such a great thing and I\u2019m afraid that porn would cheapen that for you or give you unrealistic views of what sex is really about.\u00a0 Most people don\u2019t look or act in those ways when they are having a good sexual encounter.\u00a0 At the same time, I understand that it\u2019s pretty easy to come across porn and that probably a lot of your friends are also watching it.\u00a0 Do you find this to be the case?\u00a0 Can we talk about your feelings about this?\u00a0 Is this something you agree or disagree with me about?\u00a0 This is a great opportunity to use the atonement in your life.\u00a0 We all fall short and the last thing I want is for you to fall into a cycle of guilt\/shame that makes you feel intrinsically bad about yourself.\u00a0 What are your ideas about the atonement?\u00a0 What are your ideas about healthy sexuality?\u201d<\/div>\n
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One of the most difficult things I believe devout Mormon parents face is the anxiety of how to parent a teen and\/or single adult who is not acting in a sexual way that is considered \u201cappropriate.\u201d\u00a0 Whether this pertains to masturbation, pornography use, premarital sex, premarital sexual exploration, dating before the age of 16, announcing they are gay, etc., the anxiety about the child\u2019s behavior can be overwhelming for many.\u00a0 The parent begins to doubt their parenting skills, they begin to think of eternal implications (which have been touted in our religious history in severe and provocative language), they worry about social implications (i.e. \u201cwhat will others think,\u201d \u201cwhat if my son\/daughter can\u2019t go on a mission or marry in the temple,\u201d etc.), and many times unresolved sexual issues from their own pasts can be triggered.\u00a0 The church offers a lot in the way of telling kids what they are not supposed to do prior to marriage.\u00a0 There is not as much emphasis on what to say or do when the child is already in the midst of \u201csin.\u201d\u00a0 This is where many parents feel they have to provide an all-or-nothing approach, placing rigid and oftentimes unrealistic punishments\/limits, and further alienating their child.\u00a0 One of the biggest challenges of managing the parenting of an adolescent is finding the balance between 1. honoring their agency at a time where it is developmentally normal to test limits and become more independent and 2. honoring the values, rules and boundaries you have set for your home environment.\u00a0 This is a balancing act that usually looks different in each family and even with each child.\u00a0 It is also important to understand that a child will behave sexually for a variety of biological, psychological and social reasons \u2013 not because they somehow enjoy \u201csinning.\u201d\u00a0 Recognizing the complexity of these types of choices allows the parent to tap into the empathy and understanding needed to best be of help and support.<\/div>\n
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As far as books and other educational resources, there are many out there that offer great sexual education (starting with our public schools).\u00a0 I would not choose to give a child a book\/resource I had not first read or understood the contents of myself.\u00a0 Books and resources coming from a Christian perspective are usually anatomically thorough, although many times do not address the education of practicing safe sex since they are working only from the abstinence approach.\u00a0 Books written from a non-theological perspective usually include a frank and normalizing approach to sex but also to other issues that many religiously conservative parents are uncomfortable with: masturbation, avoiding STD\u2019s through condom usage and other safe sex practices, homosexuality, etc.\u00a0 I usually encourage parents to find books they are comfortable with.\u00a0 However, I also encourage parents to not immediately write off information they disagree with.\u00a0 It can be useful for your adolescent to see your willingness to still offer the information and reasons as to why you are not in agreement.\u00a0 The likelihood your teen will be exposed to this information regardless \u2013 through school, peers and our overall culture \u2013 is extremely high.\u00a0 Might as well come from you.\u00a0 This is why I am not a fan of parents pulling out their children from public school sexual education programs.\u00a0 For one, it has the potential of ostracizing your child socially \u2013 kids notice.\u00a0 Second, they are more than likely to hear the information anyway \u2013 except it will now be second-hand from their peers with much room for inaccurate interpretation.\u00a0 Third, it can potentially drive a wedge between parent and child with the child beginning to assume that sex is not a safe topic to discuss in an open way with their parents.<\/div>\n
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Good luck in the continuation of your parenting journey!\u00a0 I wish you the very best.<\/div>\n
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Talking to your Teen about Sex<\/a><\/div>\n
Talking about Sex with Teens<\/a>I know there will be things on this site not all LDS parents will agree with or find congruent with their values.\u00a0 At the same time, I think it is a list that gives very clear and useful direction for the most part and gives you an idea of the type of information your child\u2019s peers are probably talking about.\u00a0 Take from it what you do agree with and at least teach those things.\n

Human Sexuality \u2013 What Children Need to Know and When\u00a0<\/a>
\nHow to Talk with Your Children About Sex <\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Natasha \u2013 thanks for a great blog. My husband and I have a toddler son, but I am already thinking about his adolescence and future sex education. Obviously it is a long way off, and things might change in the meantime, but I really wish there were more resources available to young people to actually […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":766,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[28,22,26,36,37,16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-46","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-adolescents","category-masturbation","category-parenting","category-pornography","category-sexual-education","category-sexuality"],"yoast_head":"\nResources for Teen Sexual Education?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Natasha - thanks for a great blog. 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