{"id":67,"date":"2011-08-17T14:08:00","date_gmt":"2011-08-17T14:08:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2011\/08\/is-my-marriage-out-of-my-hands\/"},"modified":"2011-08-17T14:08:00","modified_gmt":"2011-08-17T14:08:00","slug":"is-my-marriage-out-of-my-hands","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2011\/08\/is-my-marriage-out-of-my-hands.html","title":{"rendered":"Is my marriage out of my hands?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>
Soon after we married 26 yrs ago, my husband changed, literally overnight, 180\u00b0 and has never been the same. He went from a happy, engaging husband to a brooding, depressed roommate. He was upset and miserable about everything. He doubted the church and 4 yrs later left the church. It was difficult understanding his disaffection but I tried to be accepting and accommodating. It was heartbreaking and challenging, but I loved him and wanted him to be happy. Over the years he has continued to withdraw emotionally and sexually. He has serious bouts of depression and rage. It\u2019s not directed at me and there\u2019s no physical abuse. Even so, his anger and despair are often more than I can handle.<\/span>
It\u2019s been years since he\u2019s initiated lovemaking. At first it was just temporary disinterest. But the bouts of disinterest have lengthened and deepened. Having three kids and a couple serious injuries I struggle with being overweight. I\u2019ve honestly tried hard to lose weight. I\u2019m not horribly fat\u2014at least not Biggest Loser fat. If I lost 70 lbs I\u2019d be at my ideal weight. He assures me that my weight is not a problem for him (he\u2019s struggled with obesity, reaching 350 lbs for a while), that he actually likes women with \u201ca little meat on their bones.\u201d I know that part of my problem with food is that it is the one physical pleasure I can have, though not near as fun as sex. I know this is not healthy and I want to break this emotional connection with food. Feb of this year we made a deal that we would make love each time that I lost 20 lbs. It took me nearly 3 months to lose 20 lbs. But he won\u2019t make love to me. He won\u2019t even hold me or rub my back. I haven\u2019t gained the weight back and I\u2019m still determined to lose more. But that\u2019s it. I\u2019m done trying for physical love. What good is physical intimacy if I have to beg or bargain for it? I\u2019d even be OK without it if there were still emotional intimacy. But the only emotions he can display are anger or despair. Once in a while, maybe every 4-5 months I get my old husband\u2014the man I fell in love with\u2014back for a day or two. But it\u2019s always too short lived and I mourn what I\u2019ve lost.<\/span>
Years ago I suggested counseling. He reluctantly agreed, but then refused to go. I went a few times, but really how much can you do when you go by yourself? I\u2019ve often suggested counseling since then\u2014both couple and individual. He says there\u2019s nothing anyone can say to make things better. He will freely admit to everything I\u2019ve told you but says it\u2019s all perfectly normal for someone whose life is as horrible as his is. It\u2019s true that he\u2019s had several big disappointments, but except for his toxic upbringing, the majority of the hard knocks were his making.<\/span>
I understand that depression is an illness. I get it, I do. He also has Type 2 diabetes but he refuses to treat it. I know diabetes is a contributing factor to his low libido. You don\u2019t leave someone because they are sick. But I really don\u2019t know how to deal with his illness much less its impact on our relationship and me. He holds all the cards. Counseling? Doesn\u2019t need it. And anyway, it wouldn\u2019t help. No sex? Doesn\u2019t need it, he\u2019s getting old, what do you expect? This is normal. Anger or depressed? You\u2019d be angry or depressed too if you had his life.<\/span>
I have virtually no outside support. Our families live far away and his family is pretty toxic. Because of his disaffection, our church family is indifferent at best, at times even hostile. Outside of our marriage I really do have a happy and, some would say, successful life. But it has become increasingly difficult to hold it all together. I had no say in his disaffection, no say when he quit diabetes treatment, no say when he lost interest in sex, no say in how he handles his emotions. He decides and my feelings are not a factor for him. He knows I\u2019m sad and he\u2019s sorry for it but says there\u2019s nothing he can do. This is what life has dealt him and I just have to accept it. If this really is all that\u2019s left to me, I\u2019ll make the best of it. I feel it\u2019s out of my hands, but is it really?<\/span>\n

Lots of thoughts and your question has many dimensions, so here goes my best attempt:
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