{"id":968,"date":"2013-04-25T11:15:02","date_gmt":"2013-04-25T16:15:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/?p=968"},"modified":"2013-04-25T12:23:43","modified_gmt":"2013-04-25T17:23:43","slug":"my-spouse-wants-a-divorce-but-i-dont","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/mormontherapist\/2013\/04\/my-spouse-wants-a-divorce-but-i-dont.html","title":{"rendered":"My spouse wants a divorce but I don’t…"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>
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I\u2019ve been married 32+ years to a wonderful woman.\u00a0 We\u00a0married early,\u00a0she was 20 and I was 24.\u00a0 We were both in college but\u00a0her family was critical and unsupportive when she was baptized (prior\u00a0to dating\u00a0me): she felt very alone.\u00a0 When we began dating, I was\u00a0in heaven; she\u00a0was [is] so beautiful and I felt so lucky that she would\u00a0have anything\u00a0to do with me.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t long before I popped the\u00a0question but she\u00a0did not give me an answer right away.\u00a0 I think I\u00a0understood this as\u00a0there was so much going on with her family and we were both\u00a0in school,\u00a0and I must have seemed like a loon to propose with no major\u00a0financial\u00a0prospects on the horizon.\u00a0 Three months later she\u00a0surprised me on my\u00a0birthday with a \u201cyes\u201d pointing out that months earlier\u00a0before we began\u00a0dating she had a dream about me and from what I recall of\u00a0it, she\u00a0concluded that she had been told by Heavenly Father that she\u00a0should\u00a0marry me.<\/em><\/div>\n
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With so much stress from her family and then mine, we eloped\u00a0to the\u00a0temple and were married with two temple workers and the\u00a0matron as\u00a0witnesses.\u00a0 Not exactly a fairy tale.\u00a0 Since she\u00a0and I had never been\u00a0intimate before marriage with each other or anyone else, I can only relate my first sexual\u00a0experience\u00a0that night as indescribable.\u00a0 I knew that I loved her\u00a0with all my\u00a0heart and have been \u201caddicted\u201d to making love to her\u00a0over the years\u00a0and none else, physically, emotionally and loving her in\u00a0every way that\u00a0a husband feels he should.<\/em><\/div>\n
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I eventually left school to work after getting\u00a0only an\u00a0associates degree while she completed her bachelors. We had\u00a0a child\u00a0and my wife decided she wanted to go to law school. We\u00a0relocated to\u00a0another part of the country, where I was hired by the first\u00a0company I\u00a0interviewed at, a month or so before my wife and daughter\u00a0moved out to\u00a0the apartment I rented.\u00a0 While in law school she had\u00a0our son and at\u00a0graduation she was given a standing ovation while she held\u00a0him in her\u00a0arms to get her diploma.<\/em><\/div>\n
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It\u2019s now been 32+ years since we eloped to the temple.\u00a0\u00a0In that time\u00a0we\u2019ve seen three marriage counselors (non LDS). At the first\u00a0counselor\u00a0my wife turned to me and said, \u201c\u2026When we got married, I\u00a0didn\u2019t love\u00a0you.\u201d\u00a0 This crushed me.\u00a0 I had loved only her\u00a0and while I am not the\u00a0brightest bulb in the box, my heart and devotion to her\u00a0never wavered.\u00a0 Since then, we\u2019ve seen two other counselors and it has\u00a0become easier\u00a0for her to say to me when I ask her how she feels about me,\u201cIt\u2019s\u00a0complicated\u201d instead of \u201cI love you\u201d. Most recently,\u00a0her words were,\u00a0\u201cI don\u2019t need a man in my life\u201d and \u201cI can\u2019t see me\u00a0being married to\u00a0you for eternity\u201d (her words). And why not?\u00a0 She\u00a0makes 3 times what I\u00a0make and that makes me unnecessary, right?.\u00a0 Her mother\u00a0passed away a<\/em>
\nfew years back, bitter against her husband for reasons I\u2019m\u00a0not fully\u00a0aware of (and some I am), and my wife said she does not want\u00a0to end up\u00a0like her mother, bitter for the rest of her life.\u00a0 She\u00a0constantly\u00a0points out that we have only two children and our Church\u00a0membership in\u00a0common, nothing else. During counseling sessions I too\u00a0found\u00a0 it\u00a0impossible to note any common interests, even though over\u00a0the years I\u00a0attempted to reinvent myself, something that I was not able\u00a0to do to\u00a0her satisfaction.\u00a0 She has plans with other [women]\u00a0friends\/clients to\u00a0vacation abroad without me.\u00a0 I was specifically told\u00a0with regards to\u00a0one of these trips that I was NOT invited.\u00a0 Often every\u00a0week, she\u00a0rebuffs me, refuses to engage in conversations and will\u00a0almost without\u00a0exception rejects me when I as for sex.\u00a0 Masturbation\u00a0is not an option\u00a0for me even though out of curiosity when I asked for her\u00a0permission to\u00a0do so, she said to go right ahead.\u00a0 My bishop is fully\u00a0aware of what\u00a0is going on but it seems bishops have gotten out of the\u00a0business of\u00a0counseling couples in marriage.\u00a0 When I asked my wife\u00a0if she would see\u00a0an LDS marriage counselor she responded with , \u201cReally? A\u00a0fourth?\u201d. It\u00a0turns out the only one in our area is our daughter\u2019s age so\u00a0she is off\u00a0our list now too (I have to agree.).\u00a0 She rarely goes\u00a0to church\u00a0anymore and while I know some of that is from her demanding\u00a0work load,\u00a0most of it is personal; I usually sit alone in the back at\u00a0church. I\u00a0know she is struggling with certain aspects of her\u00a0testimony.\u00a0 She no\u00a0longer believes that dream she had of me so long ago as\u00a0credible\u00a0direction from God that we should have married and as such,\u00a0with no\u00a0romantic love for me, there is no reason to remain married\u00a0to me. I\u00a0work a couple of times a month in our temple, but I always\u00a0go alone.\u00a0I see happy couples at church (though I know not everyone\u00a0is\u2026)\u00a0playing off of one another and at the temple holding hands,\u00a0smiling at\u00a0each other.\u00a0 Such scenes crush my soul and I often turn\u00a0away and withdraw\u00a0to stem the flood of pain in my heart.\u00a0 I refrain from\u00a0pornography,\u00a0masturbation, flirting with other women because I know\u00a0indulging would\u00a0be wrong.\u00a0 We\u2019ve slept in separate rooms for years, yet\u00a0I long to be\u00a0touched and held.\u00a0 The periods of depression have been\u00a0severe. I can\u2019t\u00a0say that I haven\u2019t thought of taking my life at times, but I\u00a0am\u00a0sobered up by what that would to do my [grown] children and\u00a0other\u00a0family members.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0I know that would be a very\u00a0bad path.\u00a0 As a kid\u00a0growing up in a inactive-part member family, I had always\u00a0thought that\u00a0blessings in the Celestial kingdom and missions were for\u00a0others like\u00a0my friends whose families were active in the Church and did\u00a0everything\u00a0right.\u00a0 I did not fit that mold. Only after some\u00a0\u201cdivine\u201d intervention\u00a0did I serve a mission.\u00a0 It was then that I found that I<\/em>\u00a0too could\u00a0\u201creceive all that the Father hath\u201d.\u00a0 Yet today, I\u00a0feel unlovable and\u00a0destined to live out not only my days but eternity\u00a0alone.\u00a0 I have\u00a0perhaps the greatest empathy for those who have never\u00a0married yet want\u00a0to be.\u00a0 My heart goes out to those who have lost a\u00a0spouse they loved\u00a0and were loved by.\u00a0 There is a special sister whom I\u00a0strongly admire\u00a0who serves in the temple with me sometimes who lost her\u00a0husband.\u00a0 She\u00a0chooses to go to the temple; she does not raise a clinched\u00a0fist\u00a0towards heaven but bows before the Lord\u00a0 humbly serving\u00a0with devotion. \u00a0I feel so conflicted when I see the good examples of others\u00a0when I focus so much on my own pain.\u00a0 Going to the temple is\u00a0the ONLY respite\u00a0there is in my life.\u00a0 The comfort afterwards lasts but\u00a0a few days or\u00a0hours but the effort to get to and serve in the temple is\u00a0worth it.<\/em><\/div>\n
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The most recent comments my wife has made is that she thinks\u00a0we should\u00a0wait until next summer to divorce as that would place less\u00a0stress on\u00a0our son.\u00a0 Whether or not I agree with her time table, I\u00a0am doing my\u00a0best to take life a day at a time. I have come to understand\u00a0that she\u00a0is entitled to her free agency.\u00a0 I also know that she\u00a0never fell in\u00a0love with me and that\u2019s likely not her fault but probably my\u00a0taking\u00a0advantage of a 20 year old girl who was struggling to cope\u00a0with a\u00a0hateful family when she joined the Church.\u00a0 I\u00a0\u00a0love my wife but I must<\/em>\u00a0admit with many, many years of rejection from her and being\u00a0told she\u00a0does not want me, I don\u2019t know how much I am still \u201cin\u00a0love\u201d with her.\u00a0We never fight.\u00a0 We would probably make better friends\u00a0than spouses.<\/em><\/div>\n
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\nMy bishop asked me just recently if I thought I would\u00a0remarry.\u00a0 I said\u00a0only if there was someone out there who could love me\u00a0back.\u00a0 My wife\u00a0has made up her mind and it seems that she is just waiting\u00a0for me to\u00a0\u201ccome around\u201d to her way of thinking. She\u2019s an attorney\u00a0who knows all\u00a0the details of divorce in our state and is probably mentally\u00a0prepared\u00a0for it.\u00a0 I am sure I am in denial, afraid of losing\u00a0the one thing in\u00a0life I have wanted so much.\u00a0 There is no one I can talk\u00a0with (the\u00a0bishop can only listen so much before he\u2019s heard it all\u00a0before) and\u00a0about something that I don\u2019t want telegraphed in my ward or\u00a0stake, I\u00a0cannot confide with anyone we both know.\u00a0 I want her to\u00a0be able to\u00a0come and go to church when the time comes that she feels she\u00a0wants to\u00a0get more active and so I would move to another ward or stake\u00a0so she\u00a0can have her privacy.\u00a0 It seems the less of me around\u00a0might help her\u00a0come back to church since she acquaints me with the Church\u00a0so closely.<\/em>In closing, I am so very lonely and cannot find where I fit\u00a0in if I\u00a0even do.\u00a0 I thought we \u2018were that we\u00a0 might have\u00a0joy\u2019 especially when\u00a0you work so hard to do what\u2019s right.\u00a0 I need to follow\u00a0the example of\u00a0the sister in the temple who pushes on despite [possible]\u00a0despair.<\/em><\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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One of the most painful situations to be in is a marriage where love and intimacy are not reciprocated. \u00a0In fact, what you describe is an emotionally abusive and neglectful relationship. \u00a0Here are some thoughts:<\/div>\n
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