{"id":71,"date":"2010-09-25T13:30:00","date_gmt":"2010-09-25T13:30:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/muslimahinprogress\/2010\/09\/25\/ache-in-my-chest\/"},"modified":"2010-09-25T13:30:00","modified_gmt":"2010-09-25T13:30:00","slug":"ache-in-my-chest","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/muslimahinprogress\/2010\/09\/ache-in-my-chest.html","title":{"rendered":"Ache in My Chest"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim<\/i><\/b>

<\/i><\/b>
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah<\/i>

<\/i>
So I have this ache in my chest, anxiety, a feeling like I should be doing something (besides writing a blog entry). I know I have tons <\/i>of things that I need to be doing, including paying bills, shopping for groceries, posting on eBay, ordering pictures for my mom, cleaning house, laundry, lawn care, cleaning the shed. \u00a0Okay, now <\/i>I know why I have this ache in my chest. \u00a0I have all this stuff I need to do, some stuff I want to do, but usually I only get a small fraction of it done because I have this adorable little anchor called Zaid. \u00a0Yesterday Zaid was restless and wanted to be held. \u00a0I managed to get my dining room floor scrubbed as I had planned, but it took about three hours because I had to take several Zaid-breaks. \u00a0Then there is kids\u2019 lunch, father-in-law\u2019s lunch, cleaning up after lunch, kid-who-just-came-home-from-school lunch. \u00a0There\u2019s that pile of clean laundry that needs folding, the sunflower seed shells that need vacuuming. <\/p>\n

I feel like I\u2019m supposed to be doing ten things and once and the anxiety comes from only being able to do one or two of them. \u00a0Actually, yesterday was worse because by doing the floor in the dining room, that meant I did not <\/i>replace the moldy shower curtain, I did not <\/i>clean the kids\u2019 room and replace the sheets, I did not <\/i>get the bills paid, I did not <\/i>get the pictures ordered\u2026. Seems like I took two steps forward and three steps back. <\/p>\n

I think everyone goes through this to an extent. \u00a0I have an overactive \u201coughta\u201d gland, though. \u00a0I always feel like I \u201coughta\u2019 be doing something. \u00a0Even if I\u2019m vegging out watching TV, I work on my cross stitch because I can\u2019t justify just sitting there doing nothing. \u00a0Or I watch and read. \u00a0Nowadays that\u2019s hard to do because of Zaid, so I watch and nurse or bounce the baby. \u00a0Honestly, I love the little bugger, but it gets kinda boring. \u00a0Some day\u2019s he\u2019s okay wiggling on the bed, but mostly he likes to be in my arms and it\u2019s tiring. <\/p>\n

So, what can I do about this? \u00a0Well, I have decided that I\u2019m going to tell my \u201coughta\u201d gland to go straight to hell and leave me alone, that\u2019s what. \u00a0I know there are 24 hours in the day and that I am doing my best to make productive use of them. \u00a0Honestly, there\u2019s no outside <\/i>pressure. \u00a0My husband does not come home and say \u201cWhy haven\u2019t you done this, or this, or this?\u201d. \u00a0He lives here; he knows that the baby woke me up at 2 am and I need to go grocery shopping and Mervat is in the middle of terrible twos and all that. \u00a0It comes from within, the anxiety that is under my skin always threatening to erupt. \u00a0I will now beat it down with a handy rolling pin. \u00a0I will say \u201cYes, I went to Facebook while I was drinking my coffee because that\u2019s what people do<\/i>\u201c. \u00a0It\u2019s the current generation\u2019s answer to my dad sitting at the table in the morning reading the paper while eating his breakfast. \u00a0It\u2019s my me time, something I get precious little of, and I will not feel guilty about it or let that voice in my head nudge me out of my chair by saying \u201cShouldn\u2019t you be washing dishes? \u00a0Or thawing the meat for dinner? Or sweeping under the sofa?\u201d <\/p>\n

That voice, I have found out, will never go away. \u00a0Like the schizophrenic who will hear voices but can choose not to react to them, the anxiety is part of me since childhood. \u00a0But I can choose to not let it have power over me, read a different script in my head. \u00a0I don\u2019t have to believe it any more than I have to believe the article that landed in my inbox telling me I can have perfect abs in ten minutes a day by bench-pressing an empty soda can. \u00a0I can tell myself \u201cYou are raising five children who need to eat regularly and who need your attention pretty much constantly. \u00a0It is better to take the time to kiss a boo-boo and not worry about the the fact that you never pre-treat your laundry. \u00a0It is more important to make good healthy food from scratch, and that croquet set your husband gave you to clean will still be there later. \u00a0It\u2019s okay to make a quick run through the front yard to make sure the neighbors won\u2019t complain about the kids\u2019 detritus and not worry that you haven\u2019t planted a lovely (and costly) flower border. \u00a0It\u2019s okay. \u00a0Like right now it\u2019s okay that I\u2019m going to end this blog post precipitously because it\u2019s more important that I pick up my daughter who managed to stop crying all by herself\u2026.<\/p>\n

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