So more people leave our church. I have a gift. It\u2019s obvious. I can\u2019t hold people in a community. Sometimes I feel it is my fault. Sometimes I actually wonder if I should throw in the towel and let the church get a real pastor. Then, sometimes, when I\u2019m feeling less insecure, I realize that when people gather on their own volition there are no guarantees about stability. Just today I was talking with one of our community. She was wondering if there\u2019s some kind of spirit in our church that\u2019s been here ever since the split back in 1997\u2026 that somehow our body got a spirit of division, like HIV\u2026 always there waiting to manifest itself when the body is weak. These \u201cspirits\u201d we talk about, in my opinion, can be chalked up to character issues in our own hearts and minds.<\/p>\n
I realize too that I don\u2019t help matters. I mean if I were had a charismatic personality, was a motivational speaker, kept the ship running tightly, was orthodox, held to traditional morality and adhered to the middle road of evangelical conservativism\u2026 you know: like a regular pastor, then we\u2019d probably hold our ground and even grow.<\/p>\n
But\u2026 I was called an anomaly again just yesterday. Because I\u2019m unwilling to pretend to be something I\u2019m not. Thing is, I respect this same sentiment in others. Now THAT\u2019S a huge problem. But doesn\u2019t this have something to do with love\u2026 the love I live in and am given, and the love I give? I can\u2019t see it any other way. We are free to come and go. We are free to go in and come out and find pasture. But I miss every one of them that go.<\/p>\n