Verywell Mind<\/a><\/em>. In conflict, we do and say hurtful things. I know I do, and then I always kick myself for it.<\/p>\nThe most straightforward solution is to learn better communication and conflict resolution skills. In the first years of my marriage, we often said hurtful things. There was one shirt I wore that seemed associated with conflict. My wife would literally tear it off of me every time I wore it. Finally, I threw it away. Coincidentally, I said to her that we didn\u2019t have to resolve differences this way. We worked things out instead of letting conflict escalate.<\/p>\n
Communication and conflict resolution skills really work. \u201cFor example, several times people wanted to fight me. In one instance, a man was disappointed that I sold a motor scooter to someone else. I dodged his swing, then calmly explained that the Vespa needed a lot of work he couldn\u2019t afford. He eventually saw I did him a favor and cooled off.<\/p>\n
Another person who was always angry and frustrated was upset a project for him was taking too long to complete. He got in my face and tried to start a fight. Rather than reacting, I simply let him blow off steam, then quietly left. As they say, it takes two to tango (tangle).<\/p>\n
A third person tried to charge me more than our contract specified. I pointed out that the additional charge wasn\u2019t in the contract. He immediately flashed with anger\u2014it was his habit to charge extra for more money. I said, \u201cLet\u2019s not go there.\u201d By maintaining my cool and simply stating, \u201cIt\u2019s a straightforward contract issue,\u201d I saved the situation from escalating.<\/p>\n
Of course, my wife can still make me upset regardless of what I know. Wives can do that. But we try to resolve differences rationally with no arguing and hurtful language. I never feel more terrible than when I\u2019ve said something hurtful, so I\u2019ve learned not to do it. I respect her opinions and wants.<\/p>\n
Communication and negotiation is typically left to useless arguing and anger. We need to learn how to communicate and negotiate so we don\u2019t wreck our lives and relationships. There is no point in everyone being angry.<\/p>\n
You can find communication and conflict resolution classes in communities and online, and they may just save your relationships.<\/p>\n
Learned aggression causes aggressive behavior<\/h2>\n
We tend to model behavior we\u2019ve seen rather than learning new behavior. If our parents fought and argued, then this is what we do because this is what we know. If our parents talked things over and decided when it must go one person\u2019s way or found win-win solutions, then this is what we do.<\/p>\n
As I said to my wife the last time she tore off my shirt in our early marriage years, \u201cWe don\u2019t have to resolve differences this way.\u201d We both had a rethink and never did that again. We found better ways. And I realized that yelling often represented intensity of feelings and needs even though it\u2019s often taken as escalation toward violence. Understanding another person\u2019s style is often helpful. I don\u2019t recommend yelling, but it happens in the best of us. I try to keep it to a minimum because it triggers traumatic feelings from the past.<\/p>\n
Learning new conflict resolution skills not only helps resolve conflict in constructive ways, it models this for our children.<\/p>\n
Keep in mind, the more emotionally invested we are in an outcome (as in want that scooter so badly<\/em>) the more likely it is for conflict to erupt. Choose less stressful times to talk and state how important this is to you. It can help to make a scale and say I want this a nine or ten. Be careful everything isn\u2019t an eleven on a ten scale or the scale becomes worthless.<\/p>\nTrue healing involves taking genuine responsibility for your actions and, whenever possible, making amends to those you\u2019ve harmed.<\/strong> This forward-looking approach uses past mistakes as powerful learning opportunities to foster growth and make better choices in the present and future. To help, there are communications and conflict resolution classes in communities and online. They may just save your relationships.<\/p>\nMental states<\/h2>\n
Some people are crazy\u2014I\u2019m crazy about my wife! But I\u2019m not talking about clinical insanity here. I\u2019m referring to mental states that are common but extreme. For example, as a pastor, I found working with people facing divorce particularly difficult. It involves extreme emotions and actions that are often out of control.<\/p>\n
Some people have faced extreme trauma in their lives, which powerfully shapes their responses. Trauma experienced in formative years can have lifelong influences. For example, if a dog bites a child\u2019s hand that was offered as an affectionate touch, the resulting fear of dogs can last a lifetime. Future reactions to dogs or other perceived aggressors can be both fearful and violent. This mental state can make it very difficult to resolve conflicts, especially if differences of opinion are perceived as aggression.<\/p>\n
Even imbalances in the human body\u2019s more than 50 hormones can enable triggers to cause irrational, aggressive, or even violent behavior.<\/p>\n
Attitudes, which are driven by emotions from past experiences, can also lead to extreme behavior. Attitudes such as \u2018all men are inferior and driven by testosterone\u2019 or \u2018all women are smothering\u2019 can cause intense and even violent reactions. Similarly, attitudes like \u2018all black people and all police want to hurt each other,\u2019 or \u2018all wealthy people are entitled and uncaring,\u2019 can create divides that prevent interaction and cooperation.<\/p>\n
The responsibility is on us as individuals to be aware of our mental state and control our behavior. But most of us slip occasionally.<\/p>\n
Conclusion<\/h1>\n
Forgiving ourselves isn\u2019t easy. We live with the shame of having done something to others that wasn\u2019t right. The first thing we need to do is restore wholeness to the injured person. \u201cMake it right.\u201d Don\u2019t do it to get forgiven; do it because it\u2019s the right thing to do. Once you\u2019ve made amends, you can forget it just as God forgets it and remembers it no more.<\/p>\n
The second thing to do is ensure you don\u2019t hurt others again. It\u2019s a big boost to your confidence to know that you can interact well with others and avoid causing harm.<\/p>\n
We all need to learn how to communicate effectively. It\u2019s not a natural skill, especially if we\u2019ve had negative approaches like fighting modeled for us. Taking classes in conflict resolution can help; in fact, I believe they should be offered in every high school to prevent many problems from even starting.<\/p>\n
We also need to become better at monitoring our mental state. When you find yourself getting angry, you need to back off and cool down.<\/p>\n
We\u2019re in this world together. We have to learn to live with the good, the bad, and the ugly in both ourselves and others, and improve.<\/p>\n
Concluding challenge<\/h2>\n
Remind yourself many times a day that God loves you despite anything you may have done<\/strong>. God\u2019s love is unconditional. We can\u2019t earn God\u2019s love, and our misdeeds can\u2019t make us lose it.<\/p>\nThink of those you have mistreated. Apologize to them<\/strong> and ask how you can make things right. By taking these steps, you can eliminate guilt, shame, and animosity, potentially regain a friend, and set yourself on the path to spiritual growth.<\/p>\nIf you find yourself unable to take these actions, the subsequent articles in this series may provide further guidance. Otherwise, please consider seeking help from a qualified therapist. Your future well-being depends on it.<\/p>\n
\u201cOur answer is God. God\u2019s answer is us. Together we make the world better.\u201d \u2013 Dorian Scott Cole<\/p>\n
\u201cWith hate we have more to lose than gain. Break the cycle.\u201d \u2013 Dorian Scott Cole<\/p>\n
Author\u2019s website: DorianScottCole.com<\/a><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Radical Forgiveness series Guilt! How do we make it stop? To begin, you need to recognize your triggers and learn to silence or replace your emotional responses to them. Why do you feel \u2018less than\u2019 others? What triggers you to hurt others? If shame stems from your actions, you must identify these root causes and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4612,"featured_media":3677,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[2384,2387,2378,2381],"class_list":["post-3689","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-conflict-resolution","tag-forgive-self","tag-guilt","tag-shame"],"yoast_head":"\n
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