Millipede: Part 38 How Did I Get Here? Part 9

Millipede: Part 38 How Did I Get Here? Part 9 December 5, 2012

by Millipede

How Did I get here ….

It comes down to this:  patriarchy is as much about selling false hopes to women as it is about anything else. We are told that it is something to be embraced as part of God’s Will, we are told that it is a cure for immorality and that under such a system women are honored and protected.

Nothing could be further from the truth, but it is a painful lesson which is learned only after one has truly embraced the lifestyle. It is all hypothetical until one takes the plunge, gives up her rights and follows her “male head”. Only by actually practicing the tenets of Christian Patriarchy does one get to see how women are really treated.

Patriarchs offers male love at a terrible cost; the loss of freedom and any rights for a woman. That it is wrapped up in Godly garb only makes it more dangerous. True love is self sacrificing and does not impose harmful conditions on the beloved and is in spirit and reality, the polar opposite to what the would be patriarchs practice.

In ending,I know that I am in effect “preaching to the choir”. However,there is a possibility that someone who is considering patriarchy as a lifestyle may come across this story. Let it serve as a warning

A caveat….

Speaking of legal issues. I thought that I would write a small note for those who might still be living “the patriarchal lifestyle”.

Perhaps, you (the reader) are still involved in a patriarchal living arrangement. Now, you are having doubts. Maybe they are small ones, not an indictment against the system as a whole.

I will not talk down to you or try to convert you. I will offer a piece of friendly advice. Wherever you journey takes you, rest assured that unless you plan to re embrace patriarchy to the same degree that you husband/parents and or friends (whatever the case may be) you will probably run into a clash of some sorts. Unfortunately, very few in the patriarchy crowd believe in any sort of compromise or will tolerate any “disobedience” on the part of women.

Sure, I’ve heard the talks before, how they aren’t like some patriarchs who are tyrants, how they really respect women and do not believe that women should be treated like doormats and so on.

Just remember-“You have plenty rights just so long as you don’t try to exercise any of them.”

This is especially true concerning women in a patriarchal world. The minute you stick by your guns in any disagreement, the patriarch in your life will immediately formulate an argument which purports you to be at odds with the will of God if you do not stop and desist. No matter how small the issue is or how moderate your position is, once the patriarch has decided that you need to back down than he assumes that you SHOULD do is in order to conform to “God’s Will”, “Biblical Law” or whatever sort of Higher authority he is uses to assert his will over you.

My advice is that you get your ducks in a row. Don’t ever stop looking after YOURSELF! Sure, you might be thinking that you still believe in patriarchy and that it’s just a matter of practicing it correctly. You would never dream of becoming any sort of feminist, of leaving your husband, leaving your home and so on.

Beast intentions on your part guarantee NOTHING. Good intentions and a kind spirit on your part cannot change someone elses heart. You may find yourself in an intolerable situation-FAST. You will have two choices, try to deny the situation for what it really is and keep chugging along, hoping that things will get better. You can go that way, be aware that the morgues are full of women who “stood by their man”. However, you may also hit a breaking point, one where a healthy self preservation instincts kicks in. The stress and pain of remaining outweighs the fear of leaving.

When this point comes, it will be an open battle. Even if the initial breakup is uneventful, be aware that many people are passive aggressive in nature. Over time, the wounded patriarch may strike back or suddenly disregard all of those friendly agreements which were made when you first left. Often they will happen without warning or logic.

At that point, you may find yourself struggling for every bit of a “shared” asset that existed in you previous life together.

In my case, I had taken steps as a measure of protection against my husband’s financial instability. I had lost so much of what was mine already due to his mismanagement, I wanted to preserve what little I had left.

Much later, these small steps proved to be a life saver. When I left my husband, things that had been bought and paid for with MY money were saved due to these earlier actions.

So, even if you never dream of leaving your husband, you should invest in a small “bug out bag” of sorts. It could be as in my case, protecting assets, removing his name from ownership. I had to fight then, but I held my ground. In retrospect, I was extremely grateful that I did so at the time.

Even if you do not have a similar situation concerning assets, you should salt away some items. Save some money, maybe $20 here and there. Keep it unbeknownst to your husband, I personally would recommend a bank account. If not, a truly trusted friend or family member who is NOT in with the patriarch crowd. Even if your cut off in the wilderness, salt some money away, out in a disused corner of a shed, in a cookie jar. You could disguise it as something innocuous. Put a small note “hubby birthday fund” or something in case it’s discovered

Deception. Sure, but done in the name of self protection. No more sinful than a woman motorist tucking a gun in her belt to ward off potential rapist.

Wrong to deceive your husband/father/pastor (whatever the case may be)? Think about this; what is the patriarch in your life hiding from you? Maybe your husband has a porn habit, worse maybe he’s acting out his fantasies with other women. Maybe that patriarch in your life is blowing through your savings account like a junkie in Crackville. There may be a whole lot of things that are going on behind your back that will fester and boil over in a nasty surprise in the future.

Or maybe it’s something slower, more subtle. Maybe the patriarch in your life is slowly drifting towards self destruction. Where will you guys be in ten years? Will the lovable mess up in your life turn into a full blown addict five years down the road. Maybe he’ll just keep messing up and messing up until debts and financial ruin snowballs out of control and crushes everything that you have built together?

The horrors can be many in the haunted house that is sometimes a shared life. However, in the patriarchal crowd, you by virtue of being a woman are stuck behind the eight ball. You will find out exactly how many rights you really have, how much honor and benevolence is really shown by this crowd when you find yourself at odds with the patriarch in your life. If you aren’t willing to submit in silence, if you insist on any sort of right which your patriarch does not choose to grant you than watch you because you will be made an outcast, a Jezebel. Count on no real help from these guys and gals once things get ugly.

So now, while things are “good”, make preparations for the day that might be ahead. If things turn out for the better, great. If nothing else, you will have a small nest egg. However, if things do go south, you had better be prepared.

Yes, I must type the dreaded words To Be Continued.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 |

Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9| Part 10|

Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 |Part 14 | Part 15 |

Part 16 | Part 17| Part 18| Part 19 | Part 20 |

Part 21 |Part 22| Part 23 | Part 24| Part 25 |

Part 26 | Part 27 | Part 28 | Part 29 | Part 30

| Part 31 | Part 32 | Part 33 | Part 34 | Part 35

| Part 36 | Part 37|

Comments open below

Read everything by Millipede!

NLQ Recommended Reading …

Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment‘ by Janet Heimlich

Quivering Daughters‘ by Hillary McFarland

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement‘ by Kathryn Joyce



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  • Got mine

    Two relatives sent me substantial amounts of money to fund an emergency account in my name at a separate bank. We’ve already had some issues in our marriage and they wanted money to be immediately accessible to me just in case. I appreciate their love and care.

  • Nancy B

    The advice is like something told to young women, fifty, one hundred years ago. And yet here we are in 2012 when a woman can have any career she chooses, any amount of autonomy, any level of education and still hundreds and thousands of them are following a specific interpretation of the Bible that says they must not be “Free indeed” but bound and chained by another mortal.

    Because that mortal is male.

    Yes, well, patriarchy made sense back when only men could own property, vote, become educated. If you didn’t have a husband you were a lost lamb. At the mercy of the world.

    Ignoring the Christian women missionaries, teachers and scholars, I think of the great Christian leaders–the late, great, educated ones–who believed their life’s work was not to subjugate but to educate and enlighten. The ones who put everything on the line to create hospitals in Africa, champion abolition, work to create laws to protect the most vulnerable people in society because they felt that to lift up the human condition (instead of pontiificating and making a fortune) were the acts of a true believer.

    And when asked what drove them to sacrifice their lives for the greater good they usually talk about their mothers. How their mother spoke six languages, or smuggled text books to their home behind the Iron Curtain, or taught freed slaves to read and use currency. How this strong parent whom they’d spent their tender & most informative years with, was strong and brave and valued education and curiosity and fairness.

    I mourn those great leaders of the Christian faith. Who do we have now in positions of authority in the church? Educated men and women of Yale and Oxford? Brilliant scientists and physicians and astronomers? Men & women who sacrifice lives of wealth and comfort to serve in remote places, considering the easing of a frail human his or her true calling?

    Well, no. The lesders of today are wealthy, self-righteous, power hungry and able to attract those who did not have strong mothers and scholarly homes but those who are afraid of education, afraid of travel, afraid of equality, afraid of being questioned. Most travel not with lepers and the tubercular but with ipads and an entourage.

    And the hudreds of years of work by the great, academic and self-sacrificing leaders lies in tatters in parts of the US, where a leader’s credentials are his or her place on the NY Times Best Sellers list.

    They are wealthy. VERY wealthy. Like gold faucets and off shore accounts wealthy. And all it took was to convince young people that instead of following the Risen Christ and fulfill their God-given potential, they must psychologically return to a fairyland of a place where young women stepped into chains of domesticity, gave their minds and hearts over to a boy with little higher education, self knowledge or self esteem, and pretend that their inner voice was somehow not the prompting of their soul but the lie of the deceiver.

    I shudder to see what the next cult leader will bring about. If a never married man with no children and limited training can convince thousands of young people that he is an expert on marriage and family then anything is possible.

    The true Patriarchs (the university founders, the abolitionists, the jungle missionaries) spin in their graves.

  • I get the impression that a woman signing up for Vision Furum/ Bill Gothard/ etc. signs a contract where the large letters say:
    We offer protection for women.

    And the (very) small print says:
    This protection is only valid for women we like, who do things we like.
    Being in an unsafe situation is being someone we do not like.
    Asking for protection is doing something we do not like.
    Failing to ask for protection mean we do not know of your plight and cannot be expected to protect you.
    If you take any step, however small, to protect yourself, our protection offer is withdrawn.
    Failing to protect yourself mean you do not care about protection, and cannot ask us to protect you.
    Being female is something we do not like.
    The protection offered here may be withdrawn at any moment. The protection on offer is withdrawn now.

  • This is a very meaningful post, but can I suggest an improvement? You hope someone who thinks of joining/leaving patriarchy will read here.
    That is more likely to happen if the article includes the names of actual organizations whose ideas those women follow. They may not know that whatever group they join up with is the type of group talked about under the word “patriarchy.” Some patriarchal daughters say they never heard the word patriarchy while growing up.

    The inclusion of names will make it easier to find this with a search engine. For example, if a woman type “leaving a vision forum husband” into a search engine, the chance of hitting on this advice will be better if your entry contain the words “Vision Forum.”