Preparing To Be A Help Meet: Three Types of Women – Part 3

Preparing To Be A Help Meet: Three Types of Women – Part 3 September 22, 2014

ruinedweddingveilby Mel cross posted from her blog When Cows and Kids Collide

Debi moves on to Priestly/Steady/Servant women.

“My daughter who wrote the Teacher’s Guide for this book is a Servant, similar to a Priest type.  From the time she was a small child, she “mothered” her little sister.  She always enjoyed caring for the elderly.  She was a wonderful young daughter, helping me do anything around the house.”

That sounds like a miserable childhood, actually.  The daughter, who she never bothers to name in the chapter, is her second daughter Shiloh.

“She is a peacemaker, kind, and considerate.” 

People never cease to amaze me.  Sometimes the apple falls far away from the tree.

“Because she was known for being such a sweetheart, she had 27 different offers for marriage.  My other girls had no such track record…not even close.”

That’s a creepy thing a parent to brag about.  The creepy aspect increases when Debi compares Shiloh’s number of suitors to Shoshonna and Rebekah.

I wonder if Shiloh would have preferred any of the other 26 men to the man she married.

“Men are not intimidated by a female with a kind Servant’s heart.”


Hey, Debi.  Let me let you in on a secret.  Many men like assertive women.  Most men are not intimidated by an assertive woman – and why marry someone who is intimidated by a personality characteristic?

 “It is so feminine, very different from males. “

My husband walked in on one of our male milkers feeding a batch of orphaned kittens.  The milkers had set up a feeding schedule for the litter and would carefully wash and pet them so the kittens would get physical contact like the mom would have given.  Clearly, our milkers are actually female.  (I think I’m gonna keep that information to myself.)

“It is important for a Servant to not become a pitiful, little-brown-bird-person.  Maintain your individuality and develop your gifts.  Always keep in mind that it is good to be an Encourager, but not an Enabler.  An Encourager helps people better themselves.  An Enabler does things for people that they should be doing for themselves, healing their self-inflicted wounds and sympathizing with their poor vices to the point that they are enabled to continue their negative behavior without facing the consequences or assuming responsibility for change.  This simple concept could be key in your life.”

*Gapes in shock*

Debi, that’s freaking awesome advice! If you had followed this theme throughout the book instead of explaining how to be an Enabler with real-life examples, your book would be so much better.

“Girls that are of the Servant type tend to become Hidden Flowers if they don’t stay focused on serving the greatest number.  Keep looking for a vision.  Get a purpose in life that is bigger than you, homeschooling and even family.  Prayer will be an important part of your ministry.”

The only problem with this is that the ONLY example of a bigger picture in life Debi gives is in some kind of “ministry”.  No secular work outside the home, no advanced education, no volunteer work for secular or government entities is ever mentioned.

“An example of a Priestly/Servant type of man found in Scripture is, of course Jesus.”

Debi, you defined the Priestly type as being in the image of Jesus.  You can’t whip Jesus out as an example because he’s the basis for the explanation.

“The Apostle John must have been a Priestly type also.  A female example would be Ruth who faithfully served her mother-in-law.”

I’d like a little more information on how these two are Servant-types, but that’s not going to happen.

This section got me to thinking: How did things work out for Shiloh of the 27 marriage proposals?  Well, here’s her story of a “funny” moment at her wedding in the Teacher Guide of Preparing:

“My funniest moment came when I had only been married for about 30 minutes.  My Prince Charming and I were cutting our wedding cake together.  He sweetly fed me a bite of cake. Then, beaming, I picked up some cake to put in his mouth.  You need to understand that he is not one for old traditions!  Instead of closing his mouth like a normal, polite guy, he blew that big mouthful of cake out all over me.  I had cake all over my dress, hair and face.  The ladies watching gasped in horror, but the men burst into laughter.  My new husband and I both started laughing as we rubbed cake off my hair.  This might make you say, “How dare he?” but when we are 70 we will tell our grandkids and we will still be laughing.  I am laughing as I write.  You have to know my man to really appreciate just how funny it was.”
(Editor’s Note:Smiley)
Shiloh, you may be laughing, but I’m not. 
 I know you grew up with Michael and Debi Pearl for your parents so you’ve been exposed to hurtful behavior chronically and have lost your perspective on normal, funny behaviors.
Spraying cake all over your beautiful wedding dress isn’t funny or normal. At best, it’s impulsive and destructive.  At worst, it’s insulting and degrading.  I hope you can see that one day.

AntiPearl: Show respect to all people, but grovel to none.

Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 |Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | 

Part 7 |  Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13

Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19Part 20

Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Part 24 | Part 25 |Part 26 | Part 27

Part 28

Read everything by Mel!

Mel is a science teacher who works with at-risk teens and lives on a dairy farm with her husband. She blogs at When Cows and Kids Collide


Comments open below

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  • KarenH

    Of course all the men there laughed; within the first 12 hours of matrimony this jackass had humiliated and demeaned his new bride–in front of everyone. Way to start as you mean to continue.

    Lucky for him, his bride is sufficiently indoctrinated in such hateful behavior to think it was funny.

  • Patricia Pearl

    “Keep looking for a vision. Get a purpose in life that is bigger than you, homeschooling and even family. Prayer will be an important part of your ministry.”
    This advice really helps, it really helps to get your mind off of a flotsam of ugly, depressive, ‘rebellious’, and ‘selfish’ feelings that start to roil and bubble up to the surface over the years. When I left the family, the church, I was still picking up homeless people, handing out money, I didn’t have, until a woman in a Coda meeting accused, “You help other people so you don’t have to work on yourself!” What a blow between the eyes. But it only hit me so hard because it was true. Doing my own work was too scary. Co-dependents Anonymous helped, Al-Anon helped, CoA helped.

  • Nea

    Spraying cake all over your beautiful wedding dress isn’t funny or normal..

    It’s not the *dress* I think about in that statement. It’s that at the moment of symbolism of allowing her to nurture and care for him, he *literally* SPAT IT BACK IN HER FACE.

    Only someone abused from birth would find a direct insult of someone SPITTING IN THEIR FACE funny. That it was at her own wedding when she had 26 other options makes it twice more tragic.

  • Nea

    Yeah, he did daddy Pearl one better, didn’t he? Michael demeaned Debi in private.

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    In a way, where Debi is wondering if Shiloh would have preferred one of the other 26 suitors, it almost feels like #27 has made Debi concerned about her daughter’s well-being at least once or twice. I know, I’m probably reading feelings and loving mother stuff into it when it’s not really there.

  • Mel

    If Debi had written that, you’d be right. That comment, though, was written by me.

  • Mel

    The really scary thing for me is that in her courtship story, her husband sounds like a genuinely nice guy. He sounds thoughtful and considerate – but spitting cake all over her is not thoughtful or considerate.

    The reason I thought of the dress was that that dress was likely to be the nicest thing she ever owned and probably one of the only things that she’d ever dreamed about that came true. To have it stained by wedding cake in a childish prank showed how very little thought her husband have to Shiloh’s hopes and dreams…..

  • Nightshade

    If serving is the defining characteristic of this type of woman, wouldn’t Martha be the perfect example? And we all know what the Bible says Jesus told her.

  • Most men are not intimidated by an assertive woman – and why marry someone who is intimidated by a personality characteristic?

    I really, really, REALLY feel this. I recently had a conversation with a family member, who was very concerned that their 18 year old daughter, who just graduated high school and has a full ride to college, and a good head on her shoulders, was going away for a week with her boyfriend and his family for vacation. When I asked what they were scared of, they said that she would make a mistake that would mess up her future prospects, especially in marriage.

    It just struck me as so weird. If someone would actually hold a “mistake” against my kid…I really think that’s one of the few times that I would say, “You are not worth of my child.” I feel similar about personality traits like assertiveness. If someone can’t appreciate you for who you are…they are not worth your time.

  • Joyce

    Nea — I totally agree with you, however, there is a factor that hasn’t been mentioned yet that I think is important. Not eating the wedding cake nicely is a “thing”. Often the bride will shmush the cake in the groom’s face, or they will rub it all over each others’ faces. It’s supposed to be funny. This was a big trend when I got married in the early 1990s, and my husband and I discussed before the wedding that we both thought it was a ridiculous custom that we were not going to continue. I didn’t like the symbolism of it, and I didn’t want to be wearing cake either.

    So yes, he is literally spitting in her face (and ruining her hair, dress etc.), but maybe he was just being a sheep and following what he’d seen others do. He certainly isn’t being original.

  • Joyce

    Twenty-seven “offers of marriage,” huh. Sounds like an exaggeration but I wasnt’ there, so who am I to say. Interesting how those are “offers” and not “proposals,” because how many of these guys even actually met Shiloh? Sounds a bit like Shiloh is a product, or livestock, or something. Did they have a Shiloh Fair, where they trotted her out for these 27 guys to look her over?

    I know they think that dating a few people and building relationships–that may end in a few months or a year or two–is wicked, but their method just seems inhuman to me.

  • gimpi1

    Is Shiloh the daughter with the husband who quit working to read the Bible 24-7 and let his wife try to support the family with on-line herb sales while home-schooling, keeping house, gardening, cooking and doing laundry without electricity? If so, it appears a having a “servant’s heart” gets one taken advantage of and treated with distain.

  • Patricia Pearl

    It could have been funny if she sprayed him a mouthful back, and then there was an all out food fight…;-)

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    When looking for a photo to illustrate this piece I discovered that there are wedding food fights..

  • Independent Thinker

    What did the Pearls do? Create a Craigslist ad to marry off there own daughter. If they put her on Craigslist 27 offers wouldn’t surprise me at all.

  • Independent Thinker

    No that was Rebekah Pearl Anast who’s husband Gabe did not want to work just wanted to read the bible all day and sit around as a “biblical authority” on his website 7xSunday. 7xSunday eventually shut down due to lack of financial support. Shoshanna and her husband are in the herb business but it’s rumored that Michael financially backed that business to begin with. Rebekah blogged about her destitute poverty situation. Rebekah and Gabe lived (or still live) in New Mexico in a trailer without utilities.

  • gimpi1

    Thanks for the information. I’m so bad with names…

  • SAO

    Wow! I can’t wrap my head around it. There’s no way that cake story can be viewed as anything other than beyond awful. Even if Hubby choked/coughed/sneezed out the cake in accident, that all the guests laughed?

  • ConcepcionImmaculadaPantalones

    Oops. Sorry 🙂 I think I need to get more than a couple of hours sleep.

  • Independent Thinker

    Shoshanna’s business is deeply concerns me. She gives out medical advice quite often regarding how to manage your pregnancy with herbs. She is not a trained medical professional. I honestly believe that she should be possibly investigated by the State of Tennessee. She advises things like taking Bilberry Fruit for eyesight and during pregnancy. Not once does she come right out and say talk to your doctor or healthcare provider. She even gives dosage recommendations.

  • gimpi1

    Wow. That sounds worthy of an FDA investigation to me. I don’t have any problem with people using herbs medicinally, but if there’s any underlying condition, you need to work with a real medical-care professional. I have rheumatoid arthritis, and, in addition to my medical regime, I’ve used some supplements (Vitamin D and Salmon Oil) and anti-inflammatory herbs (Tumeric and Garlic), but I let my rheumatologist and GP know what I’m doing, and follow their advice if they have any concerns.

    I’m also a bit bothered by her “prescribing” what she sells. Isn’t that a conflict of interest?

  • AshVeridian

    Im completely flabbergasted by rubbing the cake IN HER HAIR.

    A dress can be cleaned, and its not uncommon for a bride to change into a party dress for her reception. But hair is something that can take hours to do, and is often set with tons of hairspray and pins. Rubbing cake into all of that? She either has to go and completely undo her lovely hairdo or go the whole night with frosting and Betty Crocker in her scalp. Ick.

  • Nea

    I know about crushing the cake; not a fan of that either. But that’s at least a play fight. Spitting in someone’s face is disrespectful under any conditions.

  • Nea

    Doesn’t she go on to praise herself for having a cheap dress? Not that it still wasn’t probably the nicest thing she ever had, but in typical Pearl manner she tries to minimize the insult and the damage.

  • Nea

    Doesn’t she also claim to have cured her husband’s liver disease with herb tea? But then, Debi does herbs too. It’s not like anyone in that family can afford actual medicine, as Debis’s story shows.

  • Nea

    How else can she provide for the family with no education and a useless husband but drum up business for the crap she sells?

  • Nightshade

    Yeah. Anyone saying an herb can be ‘used to benefit anyone’ including during pregnancy, when the safety of the herb in question during pregnancy is unproven, needs to be reported or get some serious education on the subject.

  • Independent Thinker

    Yep, she even made a video about it.

    Part of her liver concoction includes vodka. I can’t imagine a medical professional advising mixing herbs and alcohol to treat the liver especially without doing lab tests to monitor treatment. Bonus she makes this all outside then strains it with an old t-shirt.

  • Independent Thinker

    Not all herb and supplement companies follow the same standards. Places like GNC use third party labs to monitor the consistency, concentrations, and contents of their products. I doubt Bulk Herb Food store has done any lab testing or third party monitoring of the products they distribute. Shoshanna makes some of their products personally. Not only is she not trained medically she is not taking the steps necessary to ensure she is distributing a safe product. She is straining her “products” with old t-shirts in her videos. That alone is an indicator of her safety standards.

  • Joyce

    OMG. 96 likes on YouTube, only 3 dislikes. I guess people who watch herb videos don’t care about things like science. Who would trust her?

  • Nea

    Wow. Obviously there was nothing wrong in the first place or this would have killed him. He – and all the people approving- are lucky this “advice” hasn’t killed anyone.

  • Nea

    Someone desperate and paranoid about real doctors.

  • Is that the godly hubby who lives in a dump with no electricity or running water?

  • Nightshade

    Or non-safety standards.

    I’m not opposed to the idea of using herbal treatments/supplements, really, I’ve used a few myself and would again in the future if I felt the ‘natural’ way was a reasonable alternative under certain circumstances. I just think that people who take them need to be made aware that they are mostly unproven, they may not help, and they have their own set of side effects and adverse reaction risks.

  • Independent Thinker

    In all fairness, it may have. There are numerous posts on the bulk herb website about her customers who have had miscarriages. Since the Pearls believe life begins at conception it is not out of the realm of possibilities that herbal concoctions combined with a lack of medical supervision could lead to miscarriage.

  • Nea

    I’m willing to bet that that’s exactly what has happened in some cases. (I’m also willing to place a smaller bet that certain women *wanted* that to be God’s Will for their pregnancy, ifyaknowwhatImean.)

    Certainly untrained midwives have killed and maimed untold women and children – something else the “pray and herbal tea” set has on their conscience, or should. Rebekah let her ignorant husband midwife her through a home delivery because they couldn’t afford a doctor. She’s lucky to be alive with a healthy birth. Very, VERY lucky.

  • Catherine

    I’m torn.

    On one hand, I think her business practices are iffy.

    On the other, I kind of want to buy from her just to keep her kids from starving. They didn’t ask for that life.

  • megaforte84

    Sometimes it’s a play fight.

    The one time it happened in my family, it was a prelude to abuse and a fast divorce.