by Mel cross posted from her blog When Cows And Kids Collide
We’ve hit a new low – the title of the chapter is triggering for me. I’m going to need to move through this chapter in smaller bits than usual. My wedding day was bittersweet. My best friend, Jess, died in a car accident the day before the wedding driving to help us decorate for the reception. I was alternating between numbed shock, pain, exhaustion, gratitude for being surrounded by friends and family and happiness I was marrying my husband.
I’m certain nothing Debi says is going to help anyone facing a similar situation.
The Wedding Day… The Most special day in your whole life must be planned with care, right? I am here to tell you it’s not the day that needs special attention: it’s the night following. Most girls and their mothers get so caught up in the Big Day that they overextend themselves physically and emotionally. In this chapter I want to encourage you not to plan an elaborate wedding.
Why does Debi care if the MOTHER OF THE BRIDE is too tired to have sex the night after the wedding?
She is talking about sex, right? I ask because she’s never actually used the words “sexual intercourse” despite alluding to it in nearly every chapter in the book.
Today’s weddings often foreshadow the coming marriage: stressful. All the extra details are added to impress all in attendance and those who hear about it with the magnificence of this glorious event. Many girls look back on the days before their wedding and wish they had spent less time and money on useless pomp and staging and more time getting rested and refreshed for the days that followed the wedding.
I did not like the idea of planning a wedding – mine or anyone else’s. I had as simple of a wedding as I could pull off because I hated the idea of keeping track of all the details.
I wonder how much of Debi’s deep, deep dislike of elaborate weddings comes from the fact she had 8 or 10 days to get ready for her wedding. I think most women have certain details they want in their wedding – personal things unique to themselves. I wonder how many dreams Debi had to give up in her whirlwind wedding…
When a girl drives away from her wedding and feels like sleeping for three days just to recover, it sort of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?
You can’t always control that, Debi. And honestly, Debi is old enough that she’s got to know people who had emotionally draining weddings.
Bluntly, I didn’t marry Michael Pearl. You married a psychopath who tortured you during your honeymoon.
I married Nico – an amazing man who made the painful months after Jess’ death survivable.
Believe it or not, it takes a lot of emotional and physical energy to be a wife during the first week of marriage. Your firsts are going to need all your strength and focus. If you falter there, it can attach a negative association to the experience. Not a good thing. Think about it: if you were going on a ski trip, would you exhaust yourself beforehand?
I am so glad I didn’t read that paragraph when I was 14 or 15 years old.
Debi manages to make sexual intercourse sound like a horrifying ordeal that you need to have courage and endurance to survive.
Sexual intercourse is not an trial by ordeal – even the first time. My first time was quite pleasant – I did have a twinge of discomfort at one point, but all I needed to do was shift my body slightly. I’d like to thank everyone who recommended personal lubricant because lube makes sex more pleasant for both parties.
Of course, what no one takes into consideration is that extreme stress throws a girl’s hormones into chaos, so many wedding nights start out with the bride on her period – two weeks early.
I’ve never heard of anyone getting a period two weeks early on their wedding night.
Also, I thought Debi claimed earlier in the book that most weddings happen the week AFTER the bride’s period which leads to having a daughter…..yeah. (It still doesn’t make any sense.) In that case, having an early period would mean it came three weeks before the wedding.
Did anyone actually plan their wedding around their period? I planned mine around the dates I was off for the summer and the dates my church was available. I never thought about bothering to time my period – but I knew I could use birth control to time my period like most women for the last 50 years or so.
You do not want this to happen to you. Yet almost everyone makes the same mistakes. It is time to step away from tradition and be wise in your wedding planning. Work from the premise that the week before the wedding is all about being your very best relaxed and energized self on your honeymoon.
If you want to do that, go for it. As DebiAdvice goes, this one won’t hurt.
AntiPearl: A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.
Mel is a science teacher who works with at-risk teens and lives on a dairy farm with her husband. She’s a wise fount of knowledge about things involving living with a farmer and farming. She blogs at When Cows and Kids Collide