I don\u2019t know if I\u2019ll ever shake the need to be secretive. About, like, everything. Even writing this blog is a big stepping off point for me. It still feels taboo to be actually writing things that anyone could find and read.<\/div>\n
<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
Growing up in a highly religious home with a parent who cross examined everything I did, looking for sin and finding it where there was none\u2026 helped me unconsciously fall into the habit of feeling like I was sinning when I wasn\u2019t. I thought I was sinning pretty much most of the time even though looking back I know now I wasn\u2019t. \u00a0The hyper focus on sin has made me cross examine every little thing I do even now. I\u2019m always fearfully looking over my shoulder, carefully dotting my I\u2019s and crossing my T\u2019s. I feel guilty about things that are innocent, like this blog.<\/div>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
I was talking to one of my sisters the other day about being afraid to \u2018like\u2019 anything on social media. We talked about the need to make a pseudo account for ourselves so we could express ourselves more freely. The thing is, nobody that I\u2019m \u2018friends\u2019 with on social media would think twice to question or guilt trip me on expressing myself. Yet, I still don\u2019t feel safe expressing myself. Being bland and colorless, saying nothing, is easier. Safer.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
I remember what it was like being a sensitive soul as a child, traumatized and judged within an inch of breathing\u2026 and I just do not want to put myself out there and risk a replay of that scenario.<\/div>\n
The fear is still there.<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n
But not as much as it used to be.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m re-parenting my inner child and telling her that I approve of this blog. I approve of her courage in expressing herself. I approve, and she is safe.<\/p>\n
$\"more\"$ <\/a>Read more by AJ:<\/em><\/p>\n
Waking Up to Hidden Abuse in the Christian Faith<\/a><\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
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SASBN member AJ blogs at\u00a0I Am Phoenix<\/a><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n
Hi! I\u2019m AJ. I grew up in a spiritually abusive cult. It was based on the teachings of Bill Gothard and was heavy on patriarchal control. I have two brothers and three sisters, so six of us in all. We experienced emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual abuse, but thought it was normal because it was done in God\u2019s name. When I became an adult, I moved far away from home and finally was able to breathe and live a fairly happy life. But because I feared what would happen to me (God\u2019s wrath and my family\u2019s judgement), I still held onto the beliefs I grew up with.<\/p>\n
Over time the stress of repressing the trauma from childhood built up in me and I developed severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Chronic Fatigue, and Adrenal Burnout. I had to move back home, but my parents turned their back on me and wouldn\u2019t open their doors to me or help me.\u00a0I was shocked. I was the black sheep in their eyes because I wasn\u2019t going to church or following the rules of the cult, but I was their child. I couldn\u2019t believe the cult had them so blinded that they couldn\u2019t help their own child. At that point, I started seriously evaluating this religion of theirs. Over time, the blinders fell off my eyes and I began experiencing truth. I am now so free and joyful.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
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Comments open below<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\nNLQ Recommended Reading \u2026<\/strong><\/h1>\nQuiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement<\/a> by Kathryn Joyce<\/strong><\/h4>\n
13:24 \u2013 A Story of Faith and Obsession<\/a> by M Dolon Hickmon<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Comments open below<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\nNLQ Recommended Reading \u2026<\/strong><\/h1>\nQuiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement<\/a> by Kathryn Joyce<\/strong><\/h4>\n
13:24 \u2013 A Story of Faith and Obsession<\/a> by M Dolon Hickmon<\/strong><\/h4>\n

NLQ Recommended Reading \u2026<\/strong><\/h1>\nQuiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement<\/a> by Kathryn Joyce<\/strong><\/h4>\n
13:24 \u2013 A Story of Faith and Obsession<\/a> by M Dolon Hickmon<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement<\/a> by Kathryn Joyce<\/strong><\/h4>\n
13:24 \u2013 A Story of Faith and Obsession<\/a> by M Dolon Hickmon<\/strong><\/h4>\n

13:24 \u2013 A Story of Faith and Obsession<\/a> by M Dolon Hickmon<\/strong><\/h4>\n