It happened the first time when I was eight years old, and after it came back\u00a0two or\u00a0three times over the period of a month, I tried to explain to my Dad what was happening. <\/p>\n
Dad listened, and then told me very seriously that this was spiritual. Satan was trying to attack me. He knew because he experienced spiritual attack many times before. He also told me that I had always been spiritually sensitive, and remembered a time when I was a toddler and had woke up screaming in the middle of the night. Apparently, I had run into the living room, and when my parents tried to comfort me I acted as though I was afraid of them. I ran away screaming towards the window, and then recoiled from the glass as if I saw something outside the window. The only thing that had calmed me down was when my Dad rebuked Satan in the name of Jesus, then I had relaxed.<\/p>\n
He told me that it was very important that I never try to communicate with these voices, or even try to understand what they were saying. And if it happened again I could come and tell him and as my spiritual authority he would pray for me. I continued hearing the voices from time to time, and I would always go to my Dad who would pray over me rebuking Satan, and every time the voices would go away. <\/p>\n
It got more frequent<\/span> when I was a teen. It would come on so suddenly, and it was often so intense that I felt as though I was going to black out. I would try to pray it away by myself, and sometimes the voices would recede, but most of the time it required the prayer of my Dad. I asked my parents why Satan was after me, and I was told that it could be because I was the oldest child in our family, Satan always wants to get the oldest child. I also had to be careful that I wasn\u2019t opening the door to let Satan in, as long as I stayed obedient to my parents in every way, dressed modestly, never listened to worldly music or read worldly books, I would remain under the umbrella of spiritual protection from my father. If I was rebelling, that was like inviting the devil in.<\/p>\n It got a little better after I got married, but I would still wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety, nightmares, and the voices. I would wake up my husband (since he was now my spiritual protection) and ask him to pray for me. And usually, it would go away. <\/p>\n In the last 18 months, these episodes have gotten fewer and fewer until they stopped entirely. Actually, I\u2019m not even sure when the last time was. I\u2019m not even afraid of it happening anymore. I find myself wondering what it was in the first place. If my parents were correct, and it was spiritual, these attacks should have been increasing. The last\u00a0two years I have been the least religious I have ever been. Yes, I still go to church (I am the Pastor\u2019s wife after all) but I read very little Bible<\/a>, pray infrequently<\/a>, and I\u2019ve questioned the very existence of God<\/a>. Surely I would be at my most vulnerable at this point in my life?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n My parents talked about God<\/span> and God\u2019s will all the time. Everything that they did was attributed to the leading of the Holy Spirit. The only reason anyone else did anything differently, was because they hadn\u2019t opened themselves to the Spirit the way my parents had. <\/p>\n I was kind of in awe of my Dad\u2019s spiritual power. My Dad often shared stories of his experiences with God. As a child he had heard God\u2019s voice, been miraculously healed, seen visions, gotten miraculous signs and had prophetic dreams. Dad talked about possible outcomes of future events based on his interpretations of the book of Revelation, he had dreams from God, and he often interpreted my own dreams for me. If only I could have a connection with God like he did.<\/em><\/p>\n In my teens,<\/span> I wanted so badly to have the certainty of God\u2019s love. I remember reading Nicki Cruz\u2019s \u201cRun Baby Run\u201d<\/a> at age 17 and being blown away by the spiritual encounters he had with God. If only I was able to experience that type of connection with God, then I would be able to feel\u00a0His love. I told my mom about the book, and she expressed her happiness that God was calling me into a deeper relationship with Him, and told me that her faith life had grown so much when she received the anointing of the Holy Spirit. I asked if she had ever received the gift of tongues? Yes, she had, and according to her she often prayed in tongues. I wanted this more than anything I had ever wanted in my entire life.<\/em><\/p>\n So I prayed.<\/span> I fasted. I read and meditated on book after book of my bible. I have a journal of written prayers from that time begging God to draw me closer to him, to help me open myself up to a deeper relationship with Him, to help me to feel His love.<\/p>\n And nothing happened. It was only because I wasn\u2019t open enough right? It certainly couldn\u2019t be God\u2019s fault, it had to be mine. I couldn\u2019t understand why God ignored me. Was it the sin in my life? I was truly trying to submit to my parents and live as godly as I could. I was spending all of my free time searching after him. I was begging him on my knees and on my face, often crying with frustration. Nothing.<\/strong> No warm feelings of God\u2019s presence, no outpouring of God\u2019s spirit, no connection. Not even relief from the \u201cspiritual attacks\u201d that plagued me. <\/p>\n I wasn\u2019t good enough for God. Despite all the ways my parents hurt me, they had God\u2019s blessing and involvement in their lives, God must agree with their criticisms of me<\/a>, or surely he would respond. I felt so ashamed of being such a \u201cbad christian\u201d.\u00a0Eventually (after many months) I gave up. I still prayed, and read the word, but I had accepted that I was not going to have a spiritual anointing from God.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I don\u2019t see charismatic spiritual experience<\/span> as part of a relationship with God anymore. I think it might be more based on someone\u2019s personality than someone\u2019s relationship with God. Spiritual\u00a0experience certainly isn\u2019t confined by a certain expression of Christianity. People of all faiths claim to have these anointed, out-of-body, drunk in the spirit, filled with God\u2019s love\/presence type of experiences. I think some people have these surreal experiences and others don\u2019t, it has nothing to do with how close they are to God. <\/em><\/p>\n I\u2019ve had these warm loving spiritual moments very rarely, (I describe what I consider to be one of them here<\/a>) if my relationship with God is to measured by my spiritual feelings or experiences, I\u2019ve only had \u201creal\u201d relationship with God a handful of times in my life. Right now? I don\u2019t feel like I have the answers I used to<\/a>. I still want to believe God is there, and that He is loving. But I am no longer waiting for Him to reveal Himself to me a relational way. If I continue to believe in God, it isn\u2019t because of emotional connection with that God. God isn\u2019t waiting for me to open up enough, or surrender enough, or obey enough, before He makes His presence known in my life. I can\u2019t live my faith life seeking one elusive spiritual high after another, and feeling spiritually dry and starved for God in between.<\/em><\/p>\n![](\"https:\/\/lh6.googleusercontent.com\/-nYwWgSnhOKo\/TXmkzkRG7QI\/AAAAAAAAAso\/kV_rw2cGl9E\/s640\/holy_spirit.jpg\")
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