{"id":145,"date":"2011-01-31T22:45:00","date_gmt":"2011-01-31T22:45:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/permissiontolive\/2011\/01\/i-want-to-be-an-atheist-except\/"},"modified":"2011-01-31T22:45:00","modified_gmt":"2011-01-31T22:45:00","slug":"i-want-to-be-an-atheist-except","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/permissiontolive\/2011\/01\/i-want-to-be-an-atheist-except.html","title":{"rendered":"I want to be an Atheist. Except…"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>
<\/div>\n
<\/a>I am not a good christian.<\/span> I have doubts. I don\u2019t read much of my bible<\/a>. I dread going to church. I rarely pray anymore. <\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Maybe it\u2019s the time of year, January has always been a rough month for me. Maybe it\u2019s being pregnant and hormonal, I have been more sensitive lately. <\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Whatever the reason, I just don\u2019t feel as though I fit in the Christian Community<\/em>. When people tell me\u00a0of a life decision made\u00a0because they \u201cfeel led by God\u201d, I feel nauseous. When I hear people make endless judgements on why someone\u2019s decision to separate from their abusive spouse is \u201cagainst God\u2019s will\u201d I just want to slap them. When I hear mothers that are absolutely terrified of what faith and moral choices their child could make someday, I feel sad. Maybe I am being judgmental of Christians when I unfollow blogs that talk about how their christian friends aren\u2019t Godly enough for them to be around. I shut down my IRL face book account because I couldn\u2019t emotionally\u00a0handle all the Christian friends and family members that felt the need to attack me every time I updated or linked to anything that didn\u2019t match up with what they feel a Christian should be. Maybe that was judgemental, I don\u2019t know.<\/div>\n

I do know that lately God feels like just one more performance-oriented person that I can never please. And yes, I heard that God is supposed to love me just the way I am, and nothing I do can make him love me less. But that is not the case with Christians, it seems like all of them \u201cknow\u201d that they have figured out what God wants, and they are determined or at least \u201cpushed by their conscience\u201d to confront people in the areas that their lives don\u2019t match up to \u201cwhat God wants.\u201d People who don\u2019t live up to the standards are not \u201clike-minded\u201d and a \u201cbad influence\u201d. It\u2019s open season on non-Christians, or even \u201cbad Christians\u201d.<\/p>\n

I just don\u2019t want to be that person.<\/span> Honestly, I would rather have my kid marry a decent person who is an atheist, than a fundamentalist christian. And I don\u2019t want to live in terror of the day that my child makes a choice that might go against \u201cwhat God wants\u201d and I have to fear for their salvation. <\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to act as if I am closer to God than other people are, simply because I don\u2019t struggle with their temptations. I want to stop having to notice peoples ability to perform to the correct religious standards and learn to\u00a0just be able to love them where they are at for who they are, no strings attached.<\/p>\n

If my child is gay I cannot shun them and refuse to be a part of their life in the name of \u201cnot condoning their sin\u201d, and I can\u2019t understand why\u00a0God would\u00a0want that.\u00a0I\u2019m tired of people trying to tell me what it means to really search for God with an open heart. And I don\u2019t want to have to teach my kids that God \u201cloves\u201d them, but will only accept them if they behave a certain way.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to care anymore. <\/span><\/p>\n

I want to be an Atheist.<\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/div>\n

Except\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

\u2026when I wake up in the middle of the night and think about being unable to prevent evil things from happening to my children. Despite my best efforts, evil exists. My children could still be sexually abused no matter how much I educate them. My child could still end up on the abducted children list no matter how much I love them. My child could still grow up to marry someone who is abusive and harmful to them no matter how much I try to give them a healthy love of self. <\/p>\n

At those times, worrying in the dark, it would be nice to be able to hope that there could be something bigger, something outside of just me and my efforts. A being that could be there to love my child no matter what they went through, and someday herald the end of evil.<\/p>\n

I want to be an Atheist.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Except\u2026<\/em>
\u2026when I think of the babies I\u2019ve lost. No matter how much I feel that their little lives matter to me, I want to be able to think that they are still alive somewhere and I may meet them again someday. I want to believe that their short lives on earth were not for nothing, that there is someone else to loves them as much as I do and can give them the care that I never had the opportunity to give them in this life.<\/p>\n

I want to be an Atheist.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Except\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

\u2026when I can\u2019t figure out what makes human life matter without a God. And I still want life to matter, even when that person is mentally or physically disabled. Even when that person is not born yet. Even when that person is old and losing their abilities. What is it that makes human life valuable regardless of ability, intelligence or looks, if there is no God? <\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know what the answers are.<\/span> I don\u2019t know if I will end up active in a faith community at some point in the future. But right now I can\u2019t really think about following God or be with the people that talk about following God without feeling heavy, alone<\/a>, depressed.<\/p>\n

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I am not a good christian. I have doubts. I don\u2019t read much of my bible. I dread going to church. I rarely pray anymore. Maybe it\u2019s the time of year, January has always been a rough month for me. Maybe it\u2019s being pregnant and hormonal, I have been more sensitive lately. Whatever the reason, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1145,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-145","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nI want to be an Atheist. Except...<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I am not a good christian. I have doubts. I don't read much of my bible. I dread going to church. I rarely pray anymore. 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