{"id":182,"date":"2010-10-26T11:22:00","date_gmt":"2010-10-26T11:22:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/permissiontolive\/2010\/10\/mama-health-perfectionism\/"},"modified":"2010-10-26T11:22:00","modified_gmt":"2010-10-26T11:22:00","slug":"mama-health-perfectionism","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/permissiontolive\/2010\/10\/mama-health-perfectionism.html","title":{"rendered":"Mama Health: Perfectionism"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>
<\/a><\/div>\n

I was planning<\/span> on posting my next installment of the Mama Health series<\/a>, but it isn\u2019t finished. And the truth is, I haven\u2019t got the energy to finish it right now because I haven\u2019t been taking care of my self.<\/p>\n

I know, it\u2019s ridiculous right? I\u2019m writing this series and I can\u2019t manage to follow my own advice!<\/em> It makes me smile to look back on this week and see how I started my downward spiral. <\/p>\n

Even when writing last week\u2019s post on daily care<\/a>\u00a0I found myself getting frustrated. I\u2019m so bad at this!<\/em> Some days go by and I find myself retreating inside myself and refusing to talk about my feelings. I pretend everything is fine when all the while I\u2019m beating myself up inside for some perceived failure or another. Even though I\u2019ve been doing the work to defeat the lies I was told about myself growing up,\u00a0deep down I still believe\u00a0that I am a failure. Perfectionism rears its head<\/a> again and again. I don\u2019t feel worthy of care, so I tell myself that I need to be\u00a0perfect before I allow myself any grace. <\/p>\n

For some reason<\/span> I found myself\u00a0emotionally drained by my post on Religion and Politics last week<\/a>. I should have known from the start not to reply to comments (I try not to when I know its a tough issue for me), but I thought I could handle it\u00a0for some reason.\u00a0Add the usual stresses of uncertainties about God and the future and parenting and my feelings of hopelessness started taking over. If I am failing at everything, then why am I even trying?<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve wrestled with depression for over 10 years and my husband knows me well. He knows when I\u2019ve stopped eating enough, he\u00a0can tell when I start to withdraw from my kids.\u00a0After a few days of my non-communication and hearing my negative self-talk he cancelled an evenings activities (despite my protests that I was fine)\u00a0to spend time talking with me. On second thought, I should say listening to me. Because he basically\u00a0said that he wasn\u2019t going anywhere until I told him what was bothering me and then he rubbed my feet. (That stinker, he knows ways of getting me to talk!<\/em>)<\/p>\n

Even though I couldn\u2019t pinpoint a specific thing that was pulling me under, being able to talk about my jumble of burdens helped. And the solution I came away with was picking my battles. I pour so much mental and emotional energy into my questions about God, my efforts to mother my babies, projects for the people I love, things I volunteered for at church. Add the guilt I often feel over everything I think I \u201cshould\u201d be doing, and I start to feel overwhelmed. <\/p>\n

In reality, all I need to be doing I already am.<\/span> I am there for my kids, I am there for my husband. Food makes it to the table (most days) and eventually I get to the bottom of the laundry pile. All the rest will come together. God is patient, God is infinite, why do I feel the need to \u201cfigure Him out\u201d? Yes, projects for people I love may be nice, but are they a necessary part of this week (or even this month)? If I don\u2019t manage to bake some snack for bible study, then I can pick something up from the store on the way there, it\u2019s not that important. And the guilt over stuff I \u201cshould\u201d do has got to go. The list of \u201cshoulds\u201d is endless, and\u00a0I\u00a0can stop giving my energy to things that I many times cannot do anything to change. <\/p>\n

I can\u00a0choose my battles.<\/span> And today I\u00a0choose to read some library books with my babies, finish that load of laundry and\u00a0sweep the kitchen floor. I choose to go to my Dr.s appointment and have leftovers for dinner.<\/p>\n

And you know? I think I\u2019m going to win today\u2019s battles!<\/p>\n

I am\u00a0good enough.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was planning on posting my next installment of the Mama Health series, but it isn\u2019t finished. And the truth is, I haven\u2019t got the energy to finish it right now because I haven\u2019t been taking care of my self. I know, it\u2019s ridiculous right? I\u2019m writing this series and I can\u2019t manage to follow […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1145,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-182","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nMama Health: Perfectionism<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I was planning on posting my next installment of the Mama Health series, but it isn't finished. 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