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<\/a><\/div>\nThere is a story<\/span> about my grandma\u2019s oldest sister that I love. It goes like this. She was expecting the young man she was seeing to show up any minute for their date. Her sisters spotted him coming up the road and ran to warn her \u201cHurry up Viola!\u201d They yelled. \u201cGo straighten up, comb your hair! Roscoe is almost here!\u201d To which my great aunt replied calmly, \u201cIf he doesn\u2019t like me the way I am, he doesn\u2019t like me at all.\u201d <\/i>Apparently he did like her exactly the way she was, because they later got married and had several children together.<\/div>\n
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The thing that has always fascinated me about this story, is that she knew who she was, and she was not afraid to be that person. In contrast, I have always hated who I was. I thought of my personality traits as sin, and I hated myself for them. My creative daydreaming side? Laziness and a waste of time.<\/i> The bangle bracelets I wanted to wear? Immodest<\/i>. The combat boots I liked? Stupid and unladylike.<\/i> My thirst for knowledge and autonomous thought? Rebellion and arrogance. <\/i><\/div>\n
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I spent so much time hating myself and trying as hard as I could to change myself into the godly, quiet and meek woman I believed I was supposed to be. And I was so very bad at it. It was a lose-lose situation. If I\u00a0wasn\u2019t\u00a0being the woman I was \u201csupposed\u201d to be, I felt worried and sad that I was displeasing God and following my own inclinations. If I was doing my utmost to fit the box I was \u201csupposed\u201d to fit in, then I felt depressed and emotionally dead. <\/div>\n
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The last few years have been an ongoing discovery of myself. Figuring out who I am and learning to be OK with me even if I don\u2019t fit the model I idolized for so long. I\u2019ve mentioned before that I feel that this song \u201cBring me to Life\u201d accurately describes how incredible that has been. I truly feel as if I have been coming to life, from a half-existence I had before.\u00a0<\/div>\n
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So who am I? <\/span>On the surface, I still largely look the very same as I always have. I\u2019m pretty sure that some of what annoys me about people, is when they assume things about me based on who I was and to them nothing has visibly changed. I am still a wife and stay at home mom, unless you are around me a lot, or get into a deep discussion with me, you may not realize the internal journey I\u2019ve been on. But I feel the difference. And when I doubt myself, all I have to do is look at pictures or videos of myself from a few years ago in comparison to more recent ones. The quiet awkward serious girl who tried to avoid the camera and refused to say much on video has slowly been replaced by a more vibrant noisy woman who smiles and even laughs on video. <\/div>\n
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Shedding that shame<\/a>, and learning to replace that self-hatred with love, has made me more capable of showing love to my children, even when they show evidence of their mother\u2019s personality traits I once believed were sinful. I am not evil and wrong, and neither are my children. I\u2019m not sure I can even describe how healing that realization has been. <\/div>\n
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When I first started<\/span> this process, I felt like I had no idea who I really was. I was a very negative person, and my first tendency was to explain away any ideas or desires I had until I had convinced myself that wasn\u2019t what I truly wanted. This was pretty effective at keeping me from doing much of anything that I wanted to do. I kept my head down, and followed someone else\u2019s lead. <\/div>\n
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\u00a0To counter that instinct, I\u2019ve developed a set of questions to ask myself when I am being negative, defeatist and shutting down.<\/div>\n
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1.<\/span><\/b> Am I shutting down this idea because I was told it was wrong? Do I still believe all these bad things will happen as a result of me thinking this thought or trying this action?<\/div>\n
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2.<\/b><\/span> Am I shutting down this idea because I believe that I will fail at it? Is this my low self-confidence telling me that I will do so badly that it would be worthless to try? Is that really true?<\/div>\n
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3.<\/span><\/b> Am I shutting down this idea because deep down I actually don\u2019t want to do it, but I am doubting myself and feeling guilty because I think I am supposed to do this or think this way?<\/div>\n
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These questions have helped me learn to trust my ideas and instincts again. And slowly I\u2019ve begun to have interests again. I remember the deep urges to create things, make things beautiful. As I\u2019ve let go of the perfectionist ideal, I\u2019ve been more able to embrace my messy creative side, letting the laundry wait a little longer as I let go as I learn to write something without ridiculing every word I place on paper. I\u2019m still trying to get to the point of being able to knit something to completion without unravelling every row after I deem it unworthy. I am starting to have the confidence to know that it is OK for me to have thoughts and ideas of my own. I no longer have to bite my tongue and look at the floor. <\/div>\n
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What\u2019s more, I have people in my life who actually want to hear what I have to say. And the people who don\u2019t want to see or hear me, don\u2019t have too. I do not have to live my life to please them, be who they want me to be. Because guess who has to look in the mirror everyday and face Melissa? Me. I\u2019m the one who has to live with myself and the life I am living. And after years of avoiding the camera or even looking in the mirror, now for the first time, I can. <\/div>\n
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Now, for the first time, I feel beautiful. I feel free. I feel real. <\/div>\n
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