{"id":2299,"date":"2013-02-13T13:11:05","date_gmt":"2013-02-13T20:11:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/philfoxrose\/?p=2299"},"modified":"2015-01-15T08:45:10","modified_gmt":"2015-01-15T15:45:10","slug":"valentines-day-is-not-for-me-is-it-for-anyone","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/philfoxrose\/2013\/02\/valentines-day-is-not-for-me-is-it-for-anyone\/","title":{"rendered":"Valentine’s Day is not for me — Is it for anyone?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

About Valentine\u2019s Day: not a fan. I\u2019m no grump about romance. I believe in love and watch romantic comedies all the time, often tearing up when everything comes together magically and perfectly at the end, no matter how improbable. And while I\u2019ve been single for a good while now, I\u2019m a natural contemplative \u2014 an introvert in the good sense, as Susan Cain describes in Quiet<\/em><\/a>\"\", which I\u2019ll be writing more about soon \u2014 so I\u2019m perfectly happy on my own (which some of my friends have argued is why I\u2019m not in a relationship: because I don\u2019t need to be). But sometimes<\/em>, when I see people enjoying what\u2019s great about having a partner \u2014 sharing favorite things, intimacy, someone to cook for \u2014 it hurts. <\/p>\n

If I\u2019m watching a romantic comedy or reading a Trollope novel, I\u2019m in the story, enjoying it with the characters. But on Valentine\u2019s Day, you\u2019re either inside a real-life romance story celebrating with your loved one, or you\u2019re outside<\/em>, alone in the cold, watching through the window while other people enjoy something you don\u2019t have. (Or you may be outside knocking on the door, trying to start one, which can be very scary and usually ends badly.)<\/p>\n

Also, in case you missed the memo, in 1969 St. Valentine\u2019s Day was dropped from the Roman Catholic calendar, the church saying there was simply no proof of any of the many claims associated with third century Roman man named Valentine. (Anglicans, Lutherans and Orthodox Catholics still celebrate it.) <\/p>\n

The holiday\u2019s religious roots are worth talking about for a minute, because they are interesting, even if untrue. It\u2019s possible some elements are valid, and likely that more than one myth is mixed together. Valentine was a not uncommon Roman name at the time (from valentia<\/em> meaning strength.) The main story has it that Valentine was an early Christian who was executed for performing wedding ceremonies for Roman soldiers, who were forbidden to marry. (Another simply has him performing Christian weddings.) An implausible part of the story is that he gave parchment hearts to the soldiers to commemorate the event, which led to the practice of giving things with hearts on them. And to double down on the implausibility, some say that just before his execution he wrote a note to the daughter of his jailer \u2014 whose blindness he is said to have healed leading to the conversion of her family \u2014 signed \u201cyour Valentine\u201d thus creating the tradition of giving cards and using the phrase \u201cfrom your valentine.\u201d I don\u2019t think I really need to address how likely this is.<\/p>\n

In the High Middle Ages, from this thin thread of historical truth and fiction was woven a symbol of courtly love. And the first mention of Valentine\u2019s Day as a holiday celebrating lovers is found in Chaucer\u2019s Parlement of Foules<\/em><\/a>, a weird 14th century dream poem which describes the birds (foules<\/em>) courting each other and pairing off with mates at the beginning of spring, St. Valentine\u2019s Day.<\/p>\n

For this was on seynt Valentynes day,
\nWhan every foul cometh ther to chese his make,
\nOf every kinde, that men thenke may;
\nAnd that so huge a noyse gan they make<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

In particular, it follows the story of a female eagle, her male courters lined up in front of her:<\/p>\n

As they were wont alwey fro yeer to here,
\nSeynt Valentynes day, to stonden there.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

She rejects them all, by the way. <\/p>\n

National Friendship Day?<\/h4>\n

Some have tried to \u201cfix\u201d the problem that Valentine\u2019s Day leaves out so many folks by saying it\u2019s about all relationships including friends, family, and casual connections with coworkers and neighbors. One Dove chocolate ad shows a beautiful woman leaving a chocolate heart for her mailman. (Well, OK, maybe something else is being suggested there.) But that\u2019s just not what Valentine\u2019s Day is. In that case, we should call it National Friendship Day, and give hearty handshakes to everyone we meet. <\/p>\n

No, on Valentine\u2019s Day, if you\u2019re in a relationship, then you are celebrating. (Maybe.) If you\u2019re not, then it\u2019s like your face is being rubbed in it. It\u2019s like having no one to kiss at midnight on New Year\u2019s Eve. Times a hundred.<\/p>\n

I confess that Valentine\u2019s Day has never been good to me. The two times in my life I\u2019ve really put myself out there on the day, it didn\u2019t play out. And I\u2019m not big on forced moments like holidays with hyped-up emotionality such as Halloween, the Fourth of July, and the aforementioned New Year\u2019s Eve with its kiss.<\/p>\n

I could easily make the point too that if you in a happy relationship, you are probably doing date nights and unplanned token gifts of affection and the like already. So who is this holiday really for? If it helps remind some folks that they don\u2019t do things like that often enough, that\u2019s great. But more often, I think, it sours people to the idea by making it an obligation.<\/p>\n

So if you\u2019re in a happy relationship, enjoy celebrating what truly is a gift if you\u2019re so moved. For the rest of us, let\u2019s not feel like we have to participate, or make it something fun for us. It\u2019s just not.<\/p>\n

Oh and one more thing. I\u2019ll let you in on something from the single male perspective, at least mine. If you give someone a Valentine\u2019s Day gift, no matter how small \u2014 a candy heart or card or piece of chocolate \u2014 it\u2019s not just a \u201ctoken of friendship;\u201d possibly it\u2019s flirting. If that\u2019s what you mean to do, great! But just know that some of us are easily confused. <\/p>\n

So no happy Valentine\u2019s Day from me. It\u2019s not for me. At least this year.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Valentine’s Day is for those courting, maybe. It’s probably not for people already in relationships. It’s definitely not National Friendship Day for friends, family, coworkers and random people you meet. And it’s not for me. At least not this year. Also, I take a look at the holiday’s religious roots embellished by the myth-weaving advocates of courtly love in the Middle Ages. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1139,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2299","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-culture"],"yoast_head":"\nValentine's Day is not for me -- Is it for anyone?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Valentine's Day is for those courting, maybe. It's probably not for people already in relationships. 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