{"id":187,"date":"2011-01-14T18:08:38","date_gmt":"2011-01-14T22:08:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/community\/philosophicalfragments\/?p=187"},"modified":"2011-01-14T18:08:38","modified_gmt":"2011-01-14T22:08:38","slug":"crouching-tiger-mom-hidden-western-dad-why-chinese-mothers-are-average-part-3-1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/philosophicalfragments\/2011\/01\/14\/crouching-tiger-mom-hidden-western-dad-why-chinese-mothers-are-average-part-3-1\/","title":{"rendered":"Crouching Tiger Mom, Hidden Western Dad: Why Chinese Mothers are Average, Part 3.1"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

And here we are at the end of all things. \u00a0No, wait a minute, it\u2019s just the end of our series on Amy Chua\u2019s \u201cWhy Chinese Mothers Are Superior<\/a>.\u201d \u00a0Chua, by the way, has responded<\/a> to some reader questions at the Wall Street Journal, and is far less irritating than the voice that came through in the original piece (which was excerpted from her book). \u00a0Still, I am responding to the initial article. \u00a0Some Tiger Moms (and Dads) have responded approvingly to the article, and are happy to claim superiority for the ultra-strict parenting practices it promotes, so it remains worth addressing. \u00a0Also, I\u2019m grateful the article has opened up a conversation about what \u201cwestern\u201d and \u201ceastern\u201d parents can learn from one another.<\/p>\n

Part 1<\/a> of this series explained the many and deep faults in the way Chua\u2019s article framed the issue; Part 2<\/a> explored what \u201cwestern\u201d parents might learn from Tiger parenting, and this third and final part considers what the Tigers might learn from those crazy westerners. \u00a0And this is simply one man\u2019s opinion, based on pretty thorough familiarity both with Caucasian-American and Asian-American communities:<\/p>\n

1. \u00a0There\u2019s more to education than math and music<\/strong><\/em>. \u00a0The Tiger Mom described by Chua expects her children to get the best grades in \u201cevery subject except gym and drama.\u201d \u00a0To which my first reaction is: Are her daughters so lazy they can\u2019t excel in gym and drama?! And my second reaction was: even though the Tiger\u2019s Child is expected to earn an A+ in English and an A+ in Math, the Tiger Child knows which one is considered truly<\/em> important. \u00a0As a hint, I\u2019ll just say that it starts with an \u201cM\u201d and ends with an \u201cath.\u201d \u00a0Tiger Children are expected to get an A+ in English for the sake of admissions processes; they\u2019re expected to get an A+ in Math (and Chemistry and Physics and Economics) because these are the really important disciplines that they will need for their careers in medicine, engineering or investment banking. \u00a0(Remember, we\u2019re talking about the extreme here.)<\/p>\n

But let me back up. \u00a0Yesterday I explained that my parents, compared to Tiger Parents, were relatively uninvolved in my schoolwork. \u00a0And yet my first 18 years of life offered me a fantastic education. \u00a0I got to try everything my heart desired, from sports and instruments to arts and other after-school activities. \u00a0We traveled around the country every summer, so I saw the Grand Canyon and Yellowstone and learned how to fish and camp. \u00a0I saw some television and movie shows that weren\u2019t worth the time, but I saw others that were moving and profound and magnificent. \u00a0My parents understood that an essential part of education is enrichment<\/em>, expanding your children\u2019s horizons and exposing them constantly to new experiences and new challenges.<\/p>\n

There are two particular points I want to make here: (i) Play really is a profound learning tool.<\/em> In the aftermath of Chua\u2019s article, one author (I can\u2019t find the link) made a fascinating argument that what has allowed America to succeed is the ability of Americans to organize into self-structuring groups to achieve common interests. \u00a0Play develops curiosity and creativity, social and team skills, and (lest we forget) the ability to enjoy recreation. \u00a0Although it has received little reflection in the church of late,\u00a0recreation <\/em>is a richly theological category, and it is a part of our purpose and fulfillment.<\/p>\n

(ii) Sports are indispensable shapers of character.<\/em> I don\u2019t regret a single moment I spent on sports: from soccer and baseball as a child, to gymnastics and pickup neighborhood games of basketball and football as a young man, to ultimate frisbee and over-30 baseball later in life. \u00a0I actually feel a great sense of sympathy for the Asian-American youth I have seen, especially males, who were not allowed to put any time into sports. \u00a0Many told me that they felt a sense of discomfort around non-Asian males, felt uncomfortably close to the (inaccurate) stereotype of the wimpy Asian male, and therefore felt less confident around members of the opposite sex, for this very reason. \u00a0My gymnastics\u2013for which my parents made extraordinary sacrifices\u2013was one of the most important educational tools in my life. \u00a0I cannot imagine the person I would be now apart from it. \u00a0And my parents\u2019 investment in gymnastics was an investment in my education in another sense, too, because it paid for my education at Stanford (and the secret is, once you\u2019re inside the academic elite, it\u2019s not that hard to keep on the inside, if you put forward a bit of effort).<\/p>\n

And (iii) don\u2019t forget your childrens\u2019 spiritual education. <\/em>The most important education you can give your children is in matters of faith and character\u2013and when it comes to matters of faith and character, the best teacher is a good example. \u00a0I saw too many parents at Princeton Christian Church who brought their children to church simply because they wanted their children to be obedient; and whereas they walked over their children\u2019s academic education like a hawk, never leaving things in the hands of the teacher alone, they were perfectly happy to hand over the most important part of their children\u2019s education into the hands of the youth pastor. \u00a0Children who could tell you the capitals of the every state and the square root of pi to twenty digits scarcely knew their way around the Bible and knew nothing of Christian history and theology; and too often they failed to give their children an example of faith and character they could imitate.<\/p>\n

My parents are educated and intelligent, and gave me (I think) an exceptional education in matters of faith and character. \u00a0It\u2019s infinitely more valuable than my Harvard Ph.D. \u00a0But the wonderful thing is: even if you\u2019re not an educated parent yourself, and even if you haven\u2019t the time or resources to supply your children a first-rate scholastic education, it\u2019s trite but true: you can teach your children all the most valuable lessons yourself. \u00a0It\u2019s easy to drill an SAT-prep test; it\u2019s tough to show love and grace and humility and integrity over the course of 18 years. \u00a0But everyone can do it, and Tiger Moms are off their rocker if they think straight-A\u2019s and scholarships are more important.<\/p>\n

2. \u00a0Better to pass on a passion than to pass on a practice. <\/strong>Teaching someone how to perform a particularly difficult piano maneuver is not the same as teaching her to love the piano<\/em>. \u00a0And drilling someone until they can excel at X is not the same as teaching them to want<\/em>, deep in their bones, to excel at X.<\/p>\n

One example: my Chinese-American wife was forced to take piano lessons through much of her childhood. \u00a0Due to my gymnastics career, I never took more than two weeks of an instrument. \u00a0I actually regret that. \u00a0She regrets all the hours spent in piano classes. \u00a0Now, I listen to classical music almost constantly, because my mother (in particular) passed along her love for classical music. \u00a0My wife rarely listens to any music, and never to classical. \u00a0She has no interest whatsoever.<\/p>\n

Or take another example. \u00a0Although my parents did not rigorously supervise my schoolwork, they passed along a love of reading and learning. \u00a0In junior high, largely unsupervised, I put little effort into my schoolwork; actually, I was more of a gifted-class clown. \u00a0By the time I started high school, however, I was a voracious reader of fiction, philosophy, literature, theology, science, politics, pretty much everything. \u00a0If my parents had enforced a strict regimen in my junior high years, would I have developed that passion? \u00a0Quite possible not. \u00a0Many of the students who got straight-As when I was goofing around ran out of steam. \u00a0Propelled by a genuine love of reading and learning, I went through high school and then 14 years of undergraduate and graduate programs \u2014 and loved every minute of it. \u00a0Even as a high schooler, I taught myself calculus, other languages, mnemonic devices, and assigned myself a reading program that included the entire Great Works of the Western World<\/em> series. \u00a0I read everything from A Brief History<\/em> of Time to Plato\u2019s Republic<\/em> to How to Master Hypnotic Selling Skills<\/em><\/a> not because I had to but because I loved to \u2014 and my parents were largely responsible for cultivating that passion<\/p>\n

Pass along a passion, and you make your child self-propelled. \u00a0Unfortunately, many of the Asian-American students I knew as high schoolers in Princeton and elsewhere chose, when they were out from under their Tiger Mothers\u2019 thumbs at college, to spend all their time playing basketball and computer games or going to parties and drinking. \u00a0Free for the first time, and sometimes lacking in confidence and social skills, some entered downward spirals and flunked out or just entirely lost their way.<\/p>\n

3. \u00a0Children are not trophies.<\/strong><\/em> To my western ears, it\u2019s always been shocking to hear Tiger Moms boasting about and comparing their children. \u00a0\u201cSylvia just heard back from colleges; she\u2019s going to Stanford (Si-Dan-Fu).\u201d \u201cOh, my twins just heard back too. They\u2019re going to Harvard (Ha-vu) and Yale (Yei-lu). \u00a0Both are good, but Grace is smarter; she will do better.\u201d \u00a0\u201cYes, Grace was always the smartest of all the kids, but a little fat.\u201d \u201cYes, fat but smart. \u00a0Her mother is a good mother, but her cooking is too good! \u00a0Then there is Alvin; he did not make it into med school.\u201d \u201c[Alvin\u2019s mother] Deborah did not do a very good job. \u00a0He is fat and not too smart.\u201d<\/p>\n

Over time you see the emergence of a hierarchy amongst the Tiger Parents, according to whose children have been deemed the most successful. \u00a0And there\u2019s no bashfulness about it; they\u2019ll tell you (often many times over) what schools their children were admitted to, what they scored on their SAT\u2019s, that they were valedictorian, etc. \u00a0In the WSJ photo, Amy Chua stands triumphantly in front of her obedient children, and this is essentially the pose that many Tiger Parents imagine for themselves, proudly displaying their dutiful and hyper-successful children to society.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not wrong, it\u2019s just different,\u201d was the mantra we were taught when we were preparing to go to China for missions. \u00a0But in some cases it\u2019s not different, it\u2019s just wrong. \u00a0This, I think, is one of them. \u00a0There is too often a one-upmanship amongst Tiger Parents when it comes to their children, a competition by progeny-proxy. \u00a0Clearly the parents are thrilled for their children for their children\u2019s sakes, but they are also thrilled at the boost to their pride and social cachet. \u00a0They also have self-interests insofar as they expect their children to provide for them, and have staked their hopes on their offspring to rise up the social ladder from one generation to the next. \u00a0This makes for a very unhealthy dynamic, where Tiger Moms push their children not just because \u201cthey assume strength,\u201d but because they desire the admiration of their fellow Tiger Moms and the financial security that comes from having three doctors in the family. \u00a0Amongst Tiger Parents, the actions of the children reflect very directly on the parents, and it is a deep source of shame if your children do not perform well academically. \u00a0You can imagine how this enters into their hearts when they are berating their children for the \u201cB\u201d on their report card.<\/p>\n

Let me say: Tiger Parents are certainly not the only parents to boast of their children and compare them, and I myself feel that temptation very, very keenly. \u00a0I love that my daughter walked early, and speaks so well for her age, etc. \u00a0But I try to keep the comparisons to myself until I can root this attitude out of my heart. \u00a0I want to appreciate my daughter for who she is in herself, not who she is in relation to other kids.<\/p>\n

And it\u2019s vitally, vitally important to remember that children are free creatures whose actions do not always reflect on their parents. \u00a0Tiger Parents burden themselves unreasonably when they take on full responsibility for the actions of their children, and it will lead them to stifle their children with a severely strict and controlling approach. \u00a0The can learn from western parenting techniques that place less emphasis on constant obedience and more on the long and difficult task of teaching children to rightly and responsibly use their freedom. \u00a0This requires some letting go, some fretful watching, some allowing your children to fall and to fail and to learn to get back up again. \u00a0And it requires letting go of the notion that you can craft the perfect child.<\/p>\n

In summary of this installment, then, it is better to pass on a yearning for God than a yearning for an Ivy League diploma; better to pass on a yearning for knowledge and achievement than the possession of knowledge and achievements that are forced and unappreciated; and better to teach your children the right use of freedom than to craft them into trophies for display. \u00a0To be clear, the best Asian-Americans parents I know put these things into practice. \u00a0Yet \u201cTiger Moms\u201d could use a reminder.<\/p>\n

In part 3.2, I will speak of three more lessons that \u201cwestern\u201d parents might teach Tiger Parents:<\/p>\n

4. \u00a0Creativity is no less important than execution. <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

5. \u00a0Shaming is not a legitimate motivational technique; challenge, do not humiliate, your children.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

6. \u00a0L<\/strong><\/em>avishing unconditional love on your children does not spoil them. \u00a0It grounds them, strengthens them, and prepares them to understand the grace of God.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

And here we are at the end of all things. \u00a0No, wait a minute, it\u2019s just the end of our series on Amy Chua\u2019s \u201cWhy Chinese Mothers Are Superior.\u201d \u00a0Chua, by the way, has responded to some reader questions at the Wall Street Journal, and is far less irritating than the voice that came through […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":30,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[35,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-187","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-parenting","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nCrouching Tiger Mom, Hidden Western Dad: Why Chinese Mothers are Average, Part 3.1 - Philosophical Fragments<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"And here we are at the end of all things. \u00a0No, wait a minute, it's just the end of our series on Amy Chua's "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior." \u00a0Chua, by\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/philosophicalfragments\/2011\/01\/14\/crouching-tiger-mom-hidden-western-dad-why-chinese-mothers-are-average-part-3-1\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Crouching Tiger Mom, Hidden Western Dad: Why Chinese Mothers are Average, Part 3.1 - 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