![\"\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/340\/2013\/03\/mourning.jpeg\" "\\"mourning\\"")
<\/a><\/p>\nPlease stop attempting to spiritualize the death of my child. \u00a0Assigning some thoughtless Christian platitude only serves to deepen my anger and further question my beliefs. \u00a0If you don\u2019t know what to say, a simple, \u201cI\u2019m sorry, I don\u2019t know what to say,\u201d would be far better than these actual attempts at comfort that I\u2019ve received:<\/em><\/p>\n1. \u201cGod has a plan.<\/strong>\u201d
\nReally? \u00a0You serve a God with a plan that involves killing babies? Or at least standing by and allowing the baby to die when you believe that he could have intervened? Because the baby killers I\u2019ve seen get life in prison. And even the convicts know which guy to attack.<\/em><\/p>\n2. \u201cSome good will come of this. \u00a0You\u2019ll see.\u201d<\/strong>
\nYou think that at some point I\u2019m going to see some direct blessing in my life or someone else\u2019s that will make me think, \u201cAha! \u00a0Here\u2019s the good that came from my child\u2019s death! \u00a0I am now so glad that she died so that this could happen!\u201d \u00a0No! An Almighty God could surely think of some other really creative way to bring about good. \u00a0Or else I don\u2019t want that \u201cblessing.\u201d \u00a0I will always wonder why it had to be this way, no matter what good things may come later in my life.<\/em><\/p>\n3. \u201cJust think of the ministry you can have someday to parents who have lost children.\u201d<\/strong>
\nNo. At least not the ministry you\u2019re thinking. That would require me to say that God is somehow in this for them and I happen to know that\u2019s not helpful. Plus, I don\u2019t want that ministry. I\u2019ve spent twenty years of my life trying to serve God full time. \u00a0I\u2019ve put every major decision of my life through \u201cGod\u2019s will\u201d as a filter, including setting aside life dreams for myself. \u00a0All of the big things I\u2019ve tried to do for him have been heartbreak for me. \u00a0I think I\u2019m done with ministry at this point.<\/p>\n4. \u201cGod loves you.\u201d<\/strong>
\nImagine If I were married to someone who said, \u201cI love you. \u00a0I mean, you\u2019re going to get hurt and I won\u2019t stop it. In fact, I might even cause it. But I love you! It\u2019s for your own good! It\u2019s because of my great love for you.\u201d \u00a0You would encourage me to get to a women\u2019s shelter immediately for my own safety. \u00a0Where\u2019s the safe place from this kind of \u201clove?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n5. \u201cGod\u2019s perfect love casts out fear.\u201d<\/strong>
\nI\u2019ve been dealing with a moderate amount of anxiety since my baby\u2019s death. I\u2019m not a very anxious person by nature, so I\u2019ve sought some help dealing with the feelings of panic. \u00a0I struggle with coming home after a night shift and wondering what I might find. \u00a0I compulsively check on my children at night. \u00a0Going to the doctor with another child of mine is a trip through some very dark places of fear. I\u2019m constantly wondering which of my family members is next on God\u2019s hit list. \u00a0The advice that God\u2019s love will fix those fears isn\u2019t really resonating with me right now.<\/em><\/p>\n6. \u201cGod doesn\u2019t give you more than you can handle. Just depend on Him.\u201d<\/strong>
\nThe Christian grief counselor we saw put it this way: \u201cGod doesn\u2019t give sorrow to people unless he knows they can handle it.\u201d \u00a0Really? Well, he was wrong. I can\u2019t handle this. And if he doesn\u2019t give me more than I can handle, why do I need to depend on him? The last time I was depending on him, my child died.\u00a0So, yeah. That\u2019s not likely to happen again soon.<\/em><\/p>\n7. \u201cYou\u2019ll see her again someday.\u201d<\/strong>
\nIs that day today? Then no, this isn\u2019t helpful. It\u2019s minimally hopeful if I can be sure that it\u2019s true, but there\u2019s no Scripture to really support this belief. \u00a0There\u2019s inference and tradition and conjecture, but there\u2019s no chapter and verse that says, \u201cInfants who die go to heaven.\u201d Besides, If I live an average life expectancy, I will have to live at least another fifty years of missing her. \u00a0\u201cSomeday\u201d could be a long, long time from now.<\/em><\/p>\n8. \u201cLook at all of God\u2019s blessings in this situation already! At least_______\u201d<\/strong>
\nAll of your \u201cat leasts\u201d aren\u2019t blessings to me. Anything you say that starts with \u201cat least\u201d only minimizes my feelings.<\/p>\n9. \u201cJust read [insert Bible verses here<\/em>] and you\u2019ll feel better.\u201d<\/strong>
\nPassages that have been suggested to me include verses about God\u2019s judgment, the story of Jesus bringing Lazarus back to life, a passage instructing me that my heart is deceitful and wicked, and other similarly \u201chelpful\u201d Scriptures. This advice also assumes that I know no Scripture to which I can turn. \u00a0You know which verse has been ever on my mind ever since the day my child died? \u201cMy God, my God. \u00a0Why have you forsaken me?\u201d \u00a0I\u2019ve been reading the Bible for almost thirty years. I know where to find verses. \u00a0Not too many of them are helpful right now. Bludgeoning me with Romans 8:28 is especially painful.<\/em><\/p>\n10. \u00a0\u201cJust trust God. \u00a0He is in control.\u201d<\/strong>
\nI was trusting God at the time my baby died. She still died. If God is in control, that assumes that he killed my baby. My sweet, smiling, dimpled baby. If he didn\u2019t kill her, he stood by while she died and didn\u2019t stop it. Still guilty. I\u2019d much rather believe that fate or chance had a hand in her death. I\u2019m a lot more likely to have a continued relationship with someone who didn\u2019t cause my baby\u2019s death, either directly or indirectly.<\/em><<\/p>\n11. \u201cThis happened for God\u2019s glory. Maybe someone might even get saved!\u201d<\/strong>
\nThis has been said to me with much excitement and expectation. You mean to tell me that God couldn\u2019t have orchestrated some other way to get glory or reveal himself to someone? Or that some person out there is going to say, \u201cOh! God allowed \u2018T\u2019s\u2019 baby to die. I should start a relationship with him and trust him with MY life!\u201d Doubt it. And even if that actually did happen, should I then feel that this was all worth it?<\/em><\/p>\n12. \u201cThis world is not our home. \u00a0She\u2019s in a better place now.\u201d
\nYeah? Well, I live here right now, so it\u2019s my home. If you actually believe this, why haven\u2019t you committed suicide yet? As for me, I\u2019d finally be in a better place if I died, too? \u00a0And no, I\u2019m not at all suicidal. \u00a0I\u2019m just saying that no matter where she is, I\u2019m in a really painful place right now.<\/em><\/p>\n13. \u201cJust imagine what tragedy or heartbreak God saw in your baby\u2019s future that he decided to save her from.\u201d<\/strong>By killing her? I\u2019m sure there was another possible work-around or two. For that matter, this has been a devastating tragedy and heartbreak for me. Why didn\u2019t I die as an infant so I wouldn\u2019t have to go through this now?<\/em><\/p>\n14. \u201cGod will carry you through.\u201d
\nIf this is the kind of thing God is going to carry me through, I\u2019d like him to please put me down.<\/em><\/p>\n15. \u00a0\u201cBe thankful for what you have.\u201d<\/strong>
\nThe assumption here is that I wasn\u2019t thankful before (I was), that I\u2019m not thankful now (I am), and further minimizes the loss I feel. How do you suggest that I answer even the simplest question of how many children I have? \u00a0I\u2019m thankful for what I have AND for what I no longer have. It\u2019s impossible to answer this question correctly now. Similar, but even more guilt-producing is \u201cYou have your husband and children to think about now.\u201d Thank you for the suggestion that my grief and pain are invalid by comparison and should be left unmanaged for the good of my family. See? There. I was thankful.<\/em><\/p>\n16. \u201cThings will get better.\u201d<\/strong>
\nWhen? \u00a0How do you know? Because for me, bad things just keep happening. It can get worse and I can name at least fifty ways it could get worse right now. So don\u2019t say that things will get better. It could go either way.<\/em><\/p>\n17. \u201cMaybe God is trying to teach you something.\u201d<\/strong>Well, maybe he could have just texted me the instructions instead. Seriously. All I\u2019m learning is that God can do whatever he wants and that\u2019s not necessarily a good thing. A similar platitude, \u201cMaybe God is trying to draw you closer to himself\u201d, is equally insulting. Can\u2019t he see the future? Didn\u2019t he know that using an infant\u2019s death to deepen our relationship might backfire? Please don\u2019t presume to know the mind of God or impart your opinion of it to me.<\/em><\/p>\n18. \u201cShe\u2019s with the Lord now.\u201d<\/strong>
\nShe wasn\u2019t before? How about the rest of my family? I\u2019m not with the Lord? Well, I\u2019m glad he\u2019s with someone, I guess.<\/em><\/p>\n19. \u201cI know how you feel. I felt exactly that way when my grandparent\/great Aunt Lucy\/Fluffy died or when my child was sick, but then got better. But I just prayed and kept my eyes on God and he got me through. He\u2019ll get you through, too.\u201d<\/strong>
\nYou have no idea how I feel. I wouldn\u2019t wish how I feel on anyone. And what will he get me through TO? Can you guarantee that whatever is on the other side of this trench in life is something less painful? Because whatever it is, it will be a life missing my child and all the things that loss means.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n20. \u201cI was so devastated when your child died that I couldn\u2019t go to work that week\/I\u2019m still struggling a month later.\u201d<\/strong>
\nBoth of these are actual things said to me by people who had seen my baby fewer than six times in her whole life. Other ways people who barely knew her have tried to be a part of the drama and somehow connect themselves to this tragedy include Facebook statuses or tweets with her name as a hash tag, prayer requests without my permission or in inappropriate places, and most difficult: \u201cHow are \u00a0you doing? Because I\u2019m so sad that ____.\u201d There was an expectation that I should comfort THEM. Exhausting.<\/em><\/p>\n21. \u201cYou should_____.\u201d<\/strong>
\nDon\u2019t tell me what to do. I don\u2019t want to exercise more, eat better, read that great book about God, go to a grief support group, focus on God, get involved more at church, get alone with God, go away for a weekend without my kids, take sleeping pills, talk about it more, or think about it less. I can\u2019t afford to take any more time off work. I can\u2019t concentrate enough to do much of anything right now, honestly. And a bigger list of things I \u201cshould\u201d be doing right now is simply not helpful.<\/em><\/p>\n22. \u201cIf you need anything, let me know. I\u2019m here for you.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\nNo. \u00a0I\u2019m here. Alone. It\u2019s not possible for you to be here for me or I\u2019d gladly give it to you. I\u2019m glad you want to help, and I don\u2019t doubt your sincerity. But this comment is a substitute for any kind of real help. You\u2019ve absolved yourself of actually helping me in any tangible or intangible way and placed the onus on me to come up with some idea of what I need.\u00a0You know what I need? I need my child. Alive and giggling. I need the image of her lifeless in her crib out of my mind and the taste of her dead skin out of my mouth. I need her siblings to grow up with her. I need for my husband to have never experienced this depth of pain. If you can\u2019t give me any of these things, you\u2019re kind of on your own with suggestions for helping me. Maybe send a sympathy card. It will make you feel better.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n23. \u201cWell, I\u2019ll pray for you.\u201d<\/strong>
\nAside from the doubt that exists over whether you\u2019ll actually do it or not, how is this helpful? Who knows better than God what I need and why hasn\u2019t he already given it to me? Your asking for it will make it magically appear? The worst part about this statement is that it usually comes at the end of your listening to me or grieving with me. As in, \u201cYou\u2019re done now. \u00a0I\u2019ll pray for you, okay? You\u2019re making me uncomfortable with your intense sadness and hard questions.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/em>
\nI know that I haven\u2019t left you anything to say. Maybe that\u2019s the point. I also know that, if you\u2019re a typical Christian, you\u2019re defensive and even deeply wounded by what I\u2019ve said here. You\u2019re thinking, \u201cBut remember, here\u2019s what God is REALLY like and here\u2019s where you\u2019re wrong. Here\u2019s where you need to adjust your theology and get your heart right with God.\u201d \u00a0<\/em>
\n<\/em><\/p>\nWhether you like it or not, no matter how uncomfortable this makes you feel, no matter what you believe or even what I believe, these things you\u2019ve said are not helpful to me. In fact, many of them are so hurtful that I\u2019ve been awake more than one night trying to work through them.<\/em>
\n<\/em><\/p>\nMaybe someday I\u2019ll be ready to accept my child\u2019s death with a little more grace. But for now, I\u2019m afraid you\u2019ll have to stick with, \u201cThis sucks,\u201d or a simple, \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d\u00a0You know what\u2019s even better? The sound you make when you stay quiet<\/em>.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Last Friday, Christianity Today\u2019s Her.meneutics blog ran my post entitled \u201cLike Valerie Harper, We\u2019re All Terminal\u201c. In it, I contended that we\u00a0in the Church talk a lot about eternal life, but we stink at helping each other deal with death. After I wrote the Valerie Harper post, but prior to it being published, I received […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1449,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-56","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-christian-life"],"yoast_head":"\n
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