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<\/a><\/p>\nA lifetime ago I enumerated a twenty better things to do than vote. Today, because it\u2019s Friday, I have seven better things to do than read the news.<\/p>\n
One<\/strong>
\nEating is better than reading the news. I was going to say that exercising is better than reading the news but I haven\u2019t been able to do that since our new Overlord was elected. I was going to get up that Wednesday and plank or something but instead I ate some bacon, and then I ate some #safebread (what I\u2019m going to be calling Einkorn from now on), and then I made French Onion Soup, you know, with cheese on the bread and everything, and then I might have helped myself to some chocolates that I found shoved at the bottom of my church bag. Why read the news when you can eat? But don\u2019t get suckered into reading the news And eating, because that would be dysfunctional.
\nTwo<\/strong>
\nCleaning is better than reading the news. This might not seem obvious at first, because cleaning means getting out of your chair and moving around. But I\u2019ve been apocalyptically cleaning all week and it\u2019s been sort of soothing. Every time I sit down I think, \u201coh no! The apocalypse\u201d and then I get up and do a bunch of laundry and I sort of enter this dream state where I don\u2019t remember the apocalypse or anything. The best part about this is that all my laundry is caught up.
\nThree<\/b>
\nPlanting Bulbs is better than reading the news. This should be obvious. Going outside is a sensible and mentally healthy thing to do. And angrily shoving bulbs into the ground with muttered threats against the ground if they don\u2019t come up in the spring is sort of akin to praying, if opposite things can be said to be the same<\/i> thing.
\nFour<\/b>
\nDoing Math is better than reading the news. If your finger is hovering over Facebook, you can just do some math with your younger children and that will help put the whole of the cosmos into its proper place. Nothing, I mean, Almost Nothing is as bad as doing math with a six year old who would rather paint her fingernails than do math.
\nFive<\/b>
\nPainting your own nails is better than reading the news. I would say this is probably true even if you\u2019re a man. Just paint them brown or some other color and then say you\u2019re going hunting. Then, when your finger is hovering over Facebook you can be distracted by the sheen of your nails.
\nSix<\/b>
\nComplaining about Facebook is better than reading the news. I need to just straighten something out for myself. I couldn\u2019t put my carefully polished finger on it, but I think in the midst of nightmare interrupted sleep I discovered what it is. I LOVE ALL MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS. Love them. All of Them. Even the ones who occasionally drive me crazy. Even the ones I politically disagree with. I haven\u2019t Unfriended anyone this election season and don\u2019t know if anyone has Unfriended or blocked me. I like knowing what people think and feel even if it\u2019s diametrically opposed to my own thoughts and feelings. What I Don\u2019t Love is Facebook Himself. (I don\u2019t want to sully female pronouns by using them for something like Facebook.) Facebook has become like a nagging, whining, pajama boy. He\u2019s sitting there next to you while you try to get on with life, chatting with your friends and arguing with them. There he sits, holding his wretched cup of organic free range cocoa. Whenever you glance over at him he blinks and says, \u201cI care about your memories.\u201d And, \u201cYou\u2019re important to me. Here are a bunch of ads that I know you will love.\u201d But then you don\u2019t love any of them. In fact none of them are remotely applicable to your actually interests. Sometimes when you look at him he reminds you of important cultural events and dates that either make you feel guilty or, worse, you think are stupid. Like today, today he reminded me that this is the anniversary of the creation of time zones. Then he spends all day reminding you that you haven\u2019t called or texted people on their birthdays, or sent them a present, or a card, Or Anything, not even good thoughts. So then you shout at him, \u201cWHO EVEN SENDS GOOD THOUGHTS ON A BIRTHDAY! Nobody even does that! People say HAPPY BIRTHDAY on birthdays. Leave me alone you creep.\u201d That\u2019s what you shout. Facebook, in other words, inserts his sniveling self into the middle of conversations instead of sitting there silently like everyone hoped he would.
\nSeven<\/b>
\nFeeling Guilty is better than reading the news. Look I have got to stop reading the news. It\u2019s come down even to guilt. I would rather sit here and feel guilty about not exercising, not praying, not doing school, not cleaning, and forgetting people\u2019s birthdays than keep reading the news. WHY Can\u2019t I Stop Reading The News?! Why!? Someone tell me to stop! Or just go read more and better takes<\/a>. It\u2019s Friday after all.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"A lifetime ago I enumerated a twenty better things to do than vote. Today, because it\u2019s Friday, I have seven better things to do than read the news. One Eating is better than reading the news. I was going to say that exercising is better than reading the news but I haven\u2019t been able to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2373,"featured_media":5254,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[12,15],"tags":[26,34,38,44,45,47,57],"class_list":["post-5733","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-in-the-news","category-life-going-on","tag-binghamton","tag-culture-watch","tag-food","tag-homeschooling","tag-jens-7-quick-takes","tag-just-plain-sarcastic","tag-politics"],"yoast_head":"\n
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<\/a><\/p>\n