{"id":41001,"date":"2024-02-15T10:00:22","date_gmt":"2024-02-15T17:00:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/publiccatholic\/?p=41001"},"modified":"2024-02-15T10:49:52","modified_gmt":"2024-02-15T17:49:52","slug":"its-been-four-months-since-everything-changed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/publiccatholic\/2024\/02\/its-been-four-months-since-everything-changed\/","title":{"rendered":"It’s been Four Months since Everything Changed."},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"\"<\/a>
Photo Source: Flickr Creative Commons by EvelynGiggles https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/evelynishere\/<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>

It\u2019s been 4 months since everything changed.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I woke up. It was around 3 am. I got up and had no sense of balance. I toppled over like a doll. I hit the bureau beside the bed and caught myself with my hands.<\/p>\n

My arms and hands were working fine, but I had absolutely no sense of balance. I wasn\u2019t dizzy. I\u2019ve been massively dizzy in the past from inner ear problems caused by allergies. This wasn\u2019t that. The room wasn\u2019t spinning, my head wasn\u2019t woozy. I simply had no sense of up\/down or my relationship to place in the spatial world. It just wasn\u2019t there; a complete blank; like I was hanging in space.<\/p>\n

I pushed myself back onto the bed in a sitting position, and fell over backwards.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I tried to wake my husband, but, even though he roused, he was too sleepy to understand what I was telling him.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I had never felt anything like this before. It didn\u2019t hurt. It was more dreadful than pain. Pain is familiar. This was alien. It was really, deeply unpleasant. I thought it might be a stroke. I also thought, \u201cif I just lie here and go back to sleep, will I die in my sleep?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Then, after about 10 minutes or so, it began to fade. It just went away.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The next morning, I called my primary care doctor and described what had happened. She told me to go immediately to the emergency room to be checked for stroke.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I had had what is called a \u201cTIA\u201d or \u201ctransient ischemic attack,\u201d or, as my mother used to call it, a \u201cmini stroke,\u201d or as I think of it, a warning of a cataclysm.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The many scans and tests I had during my two days in the hospital turned up lots of little spots of plaque in my brain and one very ominous plaque deep in my brain that, if a blood clot stops it up, would take out about half my brain. This plaque can\u2019t be reached to put in a stint. It is a set up for what the literature terms \u201ca catastrophic stroke.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Ironically, the TIA I had was not related to this bad boy. It was from another part of my brain altogether. What the TIA did was sound an alarm that led to them finding it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I had some \u201cdeficits\u201d from the TIA. When I sat down to play the piano, I found that coordinating the left hand, right hand and the foot playing the peddle was a muddle that it hadn\u2019t been before. I\u2019m working through that. The most dramatic thing was that the notes on the page looked like random marks that didn\u2019t make any sense. I had to find my way back, and the only thing I found that helped me do it was the sound of the notes when I played them.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I am blessed that when I hear the sound of a \u201cc\u201d note (as a for instance) I know it\u2019s a \u201cc.\u201d Ditto for a \u201cd\u201d or a \u201cb flat\u201d or whatever. I used that to put the meaning of the notes back together. I did it by just going over it and over it. Now, 4 months later, I\u2019m slowly getting it back, although my coordination when I\u2019m playing is still clunky and off.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It bothered me at first because I couldn\u2019t really play. All I could do was plunk around through a piece of music. Then I decided, \u201cI\u2019m not doing this for a competition. I\u2019m doing it because I enjoy it. As long as I enjoy plunking around, then I\u2019m going to just enjoy plunking around.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s working. It\u2019s slowly coming back.<\/p>\n

The other place where I noticed the TIA difference was sewing. I had a couple of moments where nothing made sense. The worst was putting snaps on a Halloween costume for my granddaughter.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This was less than 2 weeks after the TIA. Each snap has a bottom and a top, and each bottom and top has two sides. Either side of each piece can fit together with either side of the other piece and they can also fit with the pieces of the other side of the snap. You have to get the correct combination of side to side and piece to piece to make a snap. The snaps I bought came in a plastic sack with no drawings to help me figure it out.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I have shirts I\u2019ve made where I used snaps instead of buttons and put them on \u2014 all 10 of them \u2014 just zip-zip-zip. But I spent four hours <\/i>trying to figure out how to put two snaps on a little girl\u2019s costume. I reached the point where I was actually crying and pounding the countertop. Finally, I drew a diagram of the two sides of the four blasted pieces and wrote instructions of my own of how they went together. That\u2019s the only way I could get them on.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve done quite a lot of sewing since then, including quilting and making a tailored winter coat. Early on, I had moments, but that seems to be past.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I haven\u2019t tried snaps again and I kind of have a fear of them. I know how odd that sounds, but it\u2019s true. I\u2019m kind of afraid of putting on snaps. But writing this sets me on that course. I\u2019m going to get out some fabric and snaps and see if I can do it.<\/p>\n

The bottom line is that I got out easy with this stroke. I can talk. I can walk. I can do whatever I want to do. I regard the TIA as a blessing, since without it I would not have found the bad plaque in time to do anything about it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

My neurologist yesterday told me that I may be able, with the changes I\u2019ve made, to head off the catastrophic stroke that is hanging over me like the Sword of Damocles. It\u2019s the first encouraging word I\u2019ve heard from a doctor in 4 months.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m not running around in a panic all the time. But in 8 years I\u2019ve had cancer, a heart attack, heart failure and now a TIA with promises of much worse that can follow. I have a friend who is dealing with similar issues. When we work out at the gym, we call it \u201cbeating the reaper.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But the truth is, nobody beats the reaper. Sometimes, you can delay him. But you can\u2019t beat him.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

At the same time I\u2019ve been dealing with health issues, I\u2019ve also been living through a deeply traumatic loss of faith in my Church. I feel betrayed by my Church, and I feel like a chump and a fool for having been such a trusting Catholic. That has hurt me far more than any of the illnesses ever could.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Losing my Church made me turn more deeply to Jesus. My faith in Jesus Christ and Him Crucified has grown and my relationship with Him has deepened. I love Jesus. And I am so grateful to Him.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

These are the reasons I haven\u2019t written much on this blog. I didn\u2019t want to harm anyone else with my crisis of faith and my pain and sorrow over the Church for its seamy worldliness, callous manipulation of the faithful for politics, arrogant abrogation of basic morality and indifference to human suffering.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I am sad because I was such a naive fool about the Church. At the same time, I was gobsmacked by the changes in my own life, by the emotional bloody nose I got from my tussle with mortality.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s not easy, dying day by day and fighting back to life, then dying in a new way another day. It\u2019s not easy, finding a path of living and enjoying life in the middle of all this. But it is the most mortal and human thing we do. It is the universal constant, the great equalizer, that makes us all the same.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I haven\u2019t written about all this because I didn\u2019t want to hurt you with my doubts and I couldn\u2019t find the words to write about mortality while I was in the process of coming to terms with it \u2026 again. This process of failing health is like a ball bouncing slowly down a long staircase, and each step is its own revelation of many things you never even considered or knew existed before.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The one thing that never changes in the slow moving transition I am undergoing is that Jesus is there and I am becoming closer to Him and knowing Him more personally. I experience the Presence of Christ in a more immediate, human and deeply comforting way with every step down. At some point, Jesus became my friend that I could just talk to and rely on.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Not for me these visions and revelations and long dry periods the mystics talk about. Jesus is my friend who understands and loves me, who I trust and talk to without fear.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s worthwhile for me to write about all this. I don\u2019t know if it will help you or hurt you to read about what I think about the Church of late. I\u2019m still wondering if it will serve a good purpose for me to say these things.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

But this post is a beginning. We\u2019ll see where it goes from here.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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