As of this past Thursday, it\u2019s been exactly four years since I graduated from Kent State University. That\u2019s insane! It still feels like yesterday.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
It can\u2019t possibly be a coincidence, then, that I had a nostalgic dream Friday morning about returning as a new student to my old dorm hall. It was mind-bogglingly vivid. There was a new Resident Assistant giving us lads on the 3rd floor our first-night pep talk, and people milling about in conversation.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
It wasn\u2019t until I took a glance at the floor directory, where my name wasn\u2019t listed, that I remembered that I\u2019m no longer a student. I sadly admitted as such in the dream and woke up moments later.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
What makes all of this even more scintillating is the waking vision I had before this dorm dream. See, I must\u2019ve sipped too much tea last night, because both my bladder and dreaming mind weren\u2019t happy with me! I abruptly woke up after my body demanded I make a run, and after having a creepy dream about finding spiders frozen in ice.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
After waking up, I saw an image of the Virgin Mary, adorned in her classical blue cloak and holding a sword at her side. She was gazing forward with a look of steely determination.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
After my previous uplifting encounters<\/a> with her, I know now that this was an indicator that she\u2019d arrived to help me let go of the sadder parts of my collegiate past.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n I know there\u2019s nothing wrong with cherishing your college memories. I\u2019ll always be grateful for the bonds I\u2019ve made there, and for the memories that I still hold dear! But I\u2019ve struggled with all of the \u201cwhat could\u2019ve beens\u201d that haunted me since I graduated four years ago.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Even with my undergrad degree, I\u2019m still not where I want to be in life. Honestly, this was a major problem for my emotional well-being a couple of years ago. I felt stagnant and had to fight off the irrational fear that I ultimately wasted my time and money.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n I know that I sure as heck didn\u2019t waste anything. I need to let myself remember that frankly, I\u2019ve\u00a0always\u00a0been a late bloomer. I didn\u2019t come out until I was 18, for example. I\u2019ve always gone at my own pace, and there\u2019s nothing wrong with that, as Mom\u2019s reminded me for good reason.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Woe unto me if I forget that I was in a\u00a0constant\u00a0survival mode as an undergrad student back then. Throughout all four years, I dealt with depression, varying traumas, and deep-seated fears about the future. I couldn\u2019t focus on doing healing because my student life demanded my attention relentlessly.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Frankly, I didn\u2019t have the \u201cideal college experience\u201d. What is that, even? Well, whatever it is, I highly doubt it includes mental health issues and lingering existential dread. It\u2019s a miracle I pulled through all of that. I\u2019m grateful always for God and the vast support system I was lucky to have up there.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n I\u2019ve wished over and over again that things had been different back then, that my college experience hadn\u2019t been riddled with that painful nonsense. But as it goes, I can\u2019t rewind time and change the past. That, and I don\u2019t ever want to relive those years after how perpetually exhausting that time was. College was not <\/strong>the best years of my life! That time hasn\u2019t come yet, but I have a hopeful feeling that it\u2019s coming soon.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n I spent time today meditating on Mary\u2019s unexpected appearance, and how it correlates to far I\u2019ve come on my journey. The last four years have been like a separate \u201cpersonal growth degree\u201d. While I\u2019m not exactly where I want to be, I\u2019m so proud and thankful for the important progress I\u2019ve made. I\u2019ve busted through the last dregs of my major traumas, and I\u2019ve let myself be fully honest about how I\u2019m actually faring. It feels good to be honest about dealing with depression.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Once again, Mary has helped remind me to avoid the \u201ctyranny of memories<\/a>\u201c, letting the past burden me down to the point of not seeing the goodness in the future. She\u2019s God\u2019s Handmaiden for a reason, and when it comes to any spiritual obstacle, she\u2019s not to be trifled with. This whole thing brings back fond memories of the dream<\/a> I had where she, alongside St. Michael the Archangel, ambushed an evil spirit that had tried to haunt me a few years prior. Mothers don\u2019t tolerate villains trying to hurt their children, after all.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n It also calls to mind the time she vanquished a different kind of foe. One Autumn evening, I dreamed that a nightmarish embodiment of the toxic masculinity I\u2019d dealt with at college tried to chase me down. Well, that didn\u2019t last long. Mary appeared and smote it with heavenly power, utterly obliterating it. Momma said knock you out!<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Ave Maria, gratia plena.<\/em><\/p>\r\nTurbulent Memories<\/span><\/h2>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
A Mother\u2019s Protection <\/span><\/h2>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n