{"id":4957,"date":"2013-10-29T09:45:31","date_gmt":"2013-10-29T13:45:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rachelmariestone\/?p=4957"},"modified":"2013-10-29T09:45:31","modified_gmt":"2013-10-29T13:45:31","slug":"please-stop-calling-your-picturesque-life-crazy-and-messy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rachelmariestone\/2013\/10\/29\/please-stop-calling-your-picturesque-life-crazy-and-messy\/","title":{"rendered":"Please Stop Calling Your Relatively Privileged Life “Crazy” and “Messy.”"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

A few weeks ago, I asked folks on Twitter\u2013and specifically, my colleague Amy Simpson, who has recently published a book on mental illness and the mission of the church:<\/p>\n

What do you think about the way people use words like \u201cbipolar,\u201d \u201ccrazy,\u201d and \u201cmanic\u201d when they really mean \u201cmoody,\u201d \u201cenergetic,\u201d \u201cquirky\u201d and even \u201cfun\u201d?<\/i><\/p>\n

It\u2019s part of a pattern I\u2019ve noticed lately\u2013and maybe you\u2019ve noticed it too.<\/p>\n

People with beautiful headshots, flawlessly designed websites, and enviable accomplishments insist that they are really just a \u2018mess.\u2019 Or that their families are \u2018crazy.\u2019 Or that their homes and lives are every bit as complicated and frustrating as everyone else\u2019s\u2026meanwhile, their Instagram feeds show nothing but beauty; if \u2018chaos\u2019 is there, it\u2019s only ever of the picturesque kind.<\/p>\n

\"From<\/a>
There\u2019s nothing picturesque about true squalor of the sort that Jeannette Walls endured.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 From Flickr User Tanja. CC license.<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

There are no birdcages sprouting stalagmites and <\/i>stalactites of bird droppings. There are no snotty-nosed, unwashed, half-dressed, hungry children who\u2019ve never visited a dentist in their lives. There is food in the fridge and on the table, and it isn\u2019t even growing mold or crawling with roaches or undulating with maggots. In fact, it\u2019s from Trader Joe\u2019s and may even be organic! There is no broken glass or police officers showing up because the neighbors heard screaming. There is electricity and running water and indoor toilets.<\/p>\n

Yeah, there\u2019s raised voices and tempers and conflicts. But that makes you human. Not crazy. Not dysfunctional. Not \u201ca mess.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"Screen<\/a><\/p>\n

This weekend, I read and then immediately re-read Jeannette Walls\u2019 instant classic of a memoir, The Glass Castle<\/i>. It disturbed me deeply, but reminded me very much of one of my favorite books, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. <\/i>It is hard to resist a story of a girl triumphing over seemingly insurmountable adversities.<\/p>\n

One of the things that I appreciated deeply about the book is that while it ends, ultimately, on a note of grace, and while there are glimpses of light even in the most dismal of episodes as her truly dysfunctional parents (both probably bipolar, and one a severe alcoholic), Walls never glamorizes the poverty that they endured. She does not romanticize any of it. She makes no attempt to paint her childhood as in any way quirky, cute, or picturesque.<\/p>\n

Without lapsing into melodrama, she portrays it as the nearly unmitigated horror that it was.<\/strong><\/p>\n

And while she and two of her siblings managed to endure and make something of their lives, she makes no attempt to hide the fact that one of them\u2013her younger sister, Maureen\u2013didn\u2019t seem to. Nor does she disguise the scars\u2013some of them literal\u2013that they bear because of their parents\u2019 recklessness and refusal\u2013or inability\u2013to care for them properly.<\/p>\n

There are two things that I keep thinking of as I reflect on this book.<\/p>\n

The first is that while it is easy to celebrate the hard work and grit and good luck that allowed someone like Jeannette Walls to triumph and to tell her story with such grace and elegance, there are millions of children in the US who endure terrible suffering and do not emerge victorious but instead become the victims of their parents\u2019\u2013and society\u2019s\u2013failure to help them while help is still possible.<\/p>\n

As I think each time I reflect on Anne Frank, how many stories like hers never got to be told? How many stories of triumph over poverty, ignorance, and mental illness could<\/i> be told in this land of plenty and opportunity, if resources were directed away from war and toward the kinds of programs that make it possible for all<\/i> children to succeed?<\/p>\n

The second is that I\u2019m really tired of seeing words like \u201cbipolar,\u201d \u201ccrazy,\u201d and \u201cmessy\u201d thrown around by middle and upper-middle class folks who have beautiful headshots and gorgeous websites and lovely homes and the time and resources to document their \u201cmessiness\u201d and \u201ccraziness\u201d on Instagram. Not wanting to make your kid a costume for a school play or serving a frozen Trader Joe\u2019s meal for dinner is not a \u201cmom fail.\u201d<\/p>\n

Losing your temper with the kids moments after you were laughing uproariously with your girlfriends does not make you \u201cbipolar.\u201d Running from school to music lessons to sports practice to a church event might mean you\u2019re overscheduled\u2013but not that you\u2019re \u201cmanic.\u201d<\/p>\n

These words describe serious and scary symptoms of serious disease. Millions of children\u2013in the US\u2013<\/i>would count it a huge step up to be eating Annie\u2019s Organics mac & cheese made from a box or making do with a less-than-Pinterest-ready birthday party.<\/p>\n

In her memoir A Good and Perfect Gift, <\/i>my friend Amy Julia Becker noted the pain she felt when a friend described her Ivy League-educated husband as \u201cretarded\u201d because he couldn\u2019t remember to take out the recycling. The words were like a slap: no, he clearly did not have an intellectual disability. But Amy Julia\u2019s own beloved daughter, born with Down syndrome, did.<\/p>\n

Using words in that thoughtless and inaccurate way may seem harmless, but it trivializes the real struggles of real people.<\/p>\n

So let\u2019s not make light of real suffering by calling our generally okay, pretty much functional, and actually pretty privileged lives \u201cmessy,\u201d \u201cdysfunctional,\u201d and \u201ccrazy.\u201d <\/strong><\/p>\n

And as we celebrate people like Jeannette Walls (whose book spent almost 2 years on the New York Times\u2019 bestseller list) let\u2019s remember the people who never lived, much less wrote, stories of triumph.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A few weeks ago, I asked folks on Twitter\u2013and specifically, my colleague Amy Simpson, who has recently published a book on mental illness and the mission of the church: What do you think about the way people use words like \u201cbipolar,\u201d \u201ccrazy,\u201d and \u201cmanic\u201d when they really mean \u201cmoody,\u201d \u201cenergetic,\u201d \u201cquirky\u201d and even \u201cfun\u201d? It\u2019s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2070,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[189,312,2664,1285,1481,1541,1542,2686,2214,2327,2370],"class_list":["post-4957","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-amy-simpson","tag-bipolar","tag-children","tag-jeannette-walls","tag-manic","tag-mental-illness","tag-mental-retardation","tag-poverty","tag-the-glass-castle","tag-trivializing","tag-using-words-thoughtfully"],"yoast_head":"\nPlease Stop Calling Your Relatively Privileged Life "Crazy" and "Messy."<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A few weeks ago, I asked folks on Twitter--and specifically, my colleague Amy Simpson, who has recently published a book on mental illness and the mission\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rachelmariestone\/2013\/10\/29\/please-stop-calling-your-picturesque-life-crazy-and-messy\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Please Stop Calling Your Relatively Privileged Life "Crazy" and "Messy."\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"A few weeks ago, I asked folks on Twitter--and specifically, my colleague Amy Simpson, who has recently published a book on mental illness and the mission\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rachelmariestone\/2013\/10\/29\/please-stop-calling-your-picturesque-life-crazy-and-messy\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Rachel Marie Stone\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2013-10-29T13:45:31+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/wp.production.patheos.com\/blogs\/rachelmariestone\/files\/2013\/10\/screen-shot-2013-10-29-at-9-34-30-am.png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Rachel Marie Stone\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Rachel Marie Stone\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rachelmariestone\/2013\/10\/29\/please-stop-calling-your-picturesque-life-crazy-and-messy\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rachelmariestone\/2013\/10\/29\/please-stop-calling-your-picturesque-life-crazy-and-messy\/\",\"name\":\"Please Stop Calling Your Relatively Privileged Life \\\"Crazy\\\" and \\\"Messy.\\\"\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rachelmariestone\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2013-10-29T13:45:31+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2013-10-29T13:45:31+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rachelmariestone\/#\/schema\/person\/c46cec1db7f3461f4f3d5289c79a2a8c\"},\"description\":\"A few weeks ago, I asked folks on Twitter--and specifically, my colleague Amy Simpson, who has recently published a book on mental illness and the mission\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rachelmariestone\/2013\/10\/29\/please-stop-calling-your-picturesque-life-crazy-and-messy\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rachelmariestone\/2013\/10\/29\/please-stop-calling-your-picturesque-life-crazy-and-messy\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rachelmariestone\/2013\/10\/29\/please-stop-calling-your-picturesque-life-crazy-and-messy\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rachelmariestone\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Please Stop Calling Your Relatively Privileged Life “Crazy” and “Messy.”\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rachelmariestone\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rachelmariestone\/\",\"name\":\"Rachel Marie Stone\",\"description\":\"Faith, Family, Food; 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