{"id":3266,"date":"2014-10-22T08:23:16","date_gmt":"2014-10-22T13:23:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/rebeccafrech\/?p=3266"},"modified":"2014-12-26T09:07:11","modified_gmt":"2014-12-26T14:07:11","slug":"being-honest-with-myself-and-going-in-search-of-my-people","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/rebeccafrech\/2014\/10\/being-honest-with-myself-and-going-in-search-of-my-people.html","title":{"rendered":"Being Honest with Myself and Going in Search of My People"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

I\u2019ve really been struggling to find my people since we moved to Texas three years ago. Back in Oklahoma, I had a social niche that I was very comfortable in. When we moved here, I was excited for the opportunity to re-invent myself and find new kinds of people. Then that didn\u2019t happen.<\/p>\n

Without the familiar framework of family and friends, I spent the first year feeling really lost. It turns out that I had no idea who I wanted to be, so I didn\u2019t have a clue where to begin my planned re-invention. I ended up drifting aimlessly from one social group to another, not really belonging in any of them.<\/p>\n

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By the second year, I was knee deep in the book writing which would turn me into a hermit for six months, interspersed with medical emergencies which wiped out any social energy I did have. I put effort into cultivating the friendships which didn\u2019t require my physical presence. I grew very close to people who live very far away.<\/p>\n

Then came the day that my book came out and there was no one local to celebrate with. I\u2019d let those friendships fade, trusting that they\u2019d be there for me to pick them back up when I was ready to do so. They weren\u2019t. I\u2019d let them wither on the vine.<\/p>\n

I drifted along again with the one local friend willing to put up with my craziness and a bevy of friends spread throughout the country. And I ached for people. I\u2019m an extrovert who needs crowds, but instead I was living in the quiet solitude of my home. By the time Ella began plateauing from her sickness this Summer, I had taken a long look at who I was and the reason for my self-inflicted and circumstance-imposed isolation here in Dallas.<\/p>\n

Part of what had happened was that people don\u2019t deal well with a crisis. That kind of tragic drama is frightening, and people run away from it. The raw pain and fear are overwhelming to those who knew us well, even more so for those with whom we had only begun to be acquainted. A good part of it was my fault. The seemingly constant cycle of meeting people and then losing them in the swirl of my life\u2019s crises has made me wary of new people. I didn\u2019t realize quite how much until a regular reader met me in Austin and said quite bluntly, \u201cYou seem so friendly and approachable when you write, but you\u2019re kind of scary in person.\u201d I apologized profusely, because I\u2019d hate for anyone to think that. I know that it used <\/em>to not be true; I also saw very plainly that it was. In guarding my own heart from being left again, I\u2019d been repelling people who might want to befriend me.<\/p>\n

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I had to also be honest with myself that just as I was complaining that others hadn\u2019t been there for me, I hadn\u2019t been there for them either. I had sucked as potential friend material, and I couldn\u2019t really blame those who had chosen to not continue pursuing friendships with me. In the swirl of my own drama, I\u2019d missed the times when they had needed me. My need had been great, but there was no excuse for the sucking vampire I had become. Other people needed care too, and I had failed to provide it.<\/p>\n

Then there were the invitations I\u2019d turned down or not reciprocated on. I\u2019d not made an effort to fit things into my schedule, promising myself that I\u2019d fit in a social life once my regular life calmed down. I never dreamed that it wouldn\u2019t calm down. I also didn\u2019t imagine that the invitations would stop. What I had meant as\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t now but I\u2019d love to hang out with you\/go to your party\/go to dinner with you in the future\u201d had come across as \u201cI\u2019m too busy\/not interested in\/don\u2019t really want to hang out with you.\u201d When we did hang out with people in their beautiful homes, I came home to my own half-decorated I-don\u2019t-really-like it-house and didn\u2019t want to have them over. I didn\u2019t want them to see how un-cool and not-put-together I really am. I was afraid they wouldn\u2019t like me if they saw the real me.<\/p>\n

So here I am, 3 years later, tired of being lonely, and resolving to do something about it.<\/p>\n

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Here\u2019s what I\u2019ve got so far:<\/p>\n