Yesterday, we noticed a glimmer of improvement with Ella\u2019s nerves. One of the tiny peripheral signs we had noticed has taken a step closer towards \u201cnormal.\u201d We should have been elated. We should have been celebrating. We broke down and sobbed. She curled her body into mine and wept.<\/p>\n
We don\u2019t have the energy for hopefulness. It\u2019s incredible the amount of stamina it takes to be constantly optimistic, and we have burned through our reserves.<\/p>\n
I had no idea how tired we were until we we agreed to stop looking for medical answers. Once we had agreed to be done, the fatigue washed over us and we slept off and on for days. The collected weariness of the past seven months weighed us down and made it hard to do much besides the bare minimum. We wanted nothing so much as a chance to rest.<\/p>\n
And then this tiny thing has changed, and it feels too heavy. That\u2019s the only way to describe it \u2013 heaviness.<\/p>\n
Ella spoke my thoughts out loud when she asked, \u201cWhat if I don\u2019t want this now? What if it\u2019s too much? Can I just tell God \u2018No thanks. I don\u2019t want this any more?'\u201d<\/p>\n
I told her I don\u2019t know what this change means, that a new involuntary muscle movement isn\u2019t anything but one small step on a long road. I told her that know exactly how done she is with all of this, and how much she wants to be able to settle into whatever her life will look like.<\/p>\n
We\u2019re done, and yet there\u2019s this tiny little gift of hope sitting in our house now, this small sign of healing. I know how we\u2019re supposed to feel, and how happy it should make us. I know how the Hollywood script would read as we all ecstatically ran for answers and found renewed energy and zeal in this glimmer of hope, but this isn\u2019t the movies. This is real life, and the real life people can\u2019t even\u00a0 summon the energy to begin to unwrap the box.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Yesterday, we noticed a glimmer of improvement with Ella\u2019s nerves. One of the tiny peripheral signs we had noticed has taken a step closer towards \u201cnormal.\u201d We should have been elated. We should have been celebrating. We broke down and sobbed. She curled her body into mine and wept. We don\u2019t have the energy for […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1979,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[6,19,21],"class_list":["post-3399","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ella","tag-mystery-illness","tag-truth"],"yoast_head":"\n