***Working it out on paper.\u00a0 I cuss.\u00a0 A lot.\u00a0 I gave it up for Lent.\u00a0 So what?\u00a0 I don\u2019t have the energy to care right now.\u00a0 Totally disjointed ADD ramblings.\u00a0 It\u2019s where I am right now.***<\/span> <\/p>\n Have you ever had a mental breakdown? A humming discordantly to yourself, flapping your hands desperately, tugging on your hair, wild-eyed mental breakdown?\u00a0 I\u2019m teetering on the edge.\u00a0 I\u2019m watching myself from somewhere outside of myself and thinking \u201cShit.\u00a0 I\u2019m totally losing it here.\u201d But in an observer-ish kind of way.<\/p>\n I\u2019m completely overstimulated. My brain doesn\u2019t seem to know where to rest and just keeps speeding up.\u00a0 There\u2019s no place to stop.\u00a0 I have no place of calm.\u00a0 There is no day of rest.\u00a0 Ever.<\/p>\n I wish I could hire a maid.\u00a0 Like in the book The Help?\u00a0 I need someone to come in and order my life. Or at least my household.\u00a0 I need it to be clean.\u00a0 My husband keeps telling me to have the children do it, but that\u2019s just one more layer of stress and responsibility.\u00a0 I just need it done. I need someone to be in charge of the clean.\u00a0 I need a Captain of Sanity around here.<\/p>\n I need the children to go to the magical land of Somewhere Else while I collect my thoughts and get hold of myself again.<\/p>\n I\u2019m completely overwhelmed.<\/p>\n Family members have offered to come and help but they aren\u2019t the right ones.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know which ones the right ones are. <\/p>\n I need my mom.\u00a0 That\u2019s who I need.\u00a0 Not the brain-damaged woman I\u2019ve had for the last 20+ years, but the hyper-controlling slightly bitchy one from my childhood.\u00a0 I crave her competence and steady hand right now.\u00a0 Can she come back and put it all into order?\u00a0 Please? Forget that that woman no longer exists anywhere on this earth any longer.\u00a0 I need her to come back.<\/p>\n Can you hire someone like that?\u00a0 Coolly professional and in control with an air of no-nonsense command?\u00a0 An employee who could show up, be in charge, and then go home? Someone to take over the running of things so that I can go sit in the corner and quietly fall completely apart?<\/p>\n I wasn\u2019t home for any of last week, constantly on the go.\u00a0 This week is starting off the same way.\u00a0 It\u2019s 1:20 AM now and in 6 hours I need to be walking out the door to take #4 back to the hospital for more shots.\u00a0 It will take all morning. When I get home, #1 will need a ride down to the office.\u00a0 I won\u2019t be home until after 3:00 to stay.\u00a0 Maybe.\u00a0 Unless someone else needs something from me.<\/p>\n By the time I get back home in the afternoon, the tiny bit of clean which I have carved out in my crazy midnight obsessiveness will be completely subsumed (that\u2019s a word, right?) by the \u201cI don\u2019t give a fuck\u201d attitude of my boys.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know how to make them care.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have the energy to do it.\u00a0 To be honest right now, I don\u2019t give a fuck if they do care.\u00a0 I just want them out of my house.\u00a0 They need to go outside and not mess up the fragile orderliness which I wish would take hold.<\/p>\n I can\u2019t afford to pay anyone to order it all.\u00a0 Can I put all the children, even the baby, in school for a few weeks?\u00a0 I just need them to be gone.\u00a0 I can\u2019t think of what they need.\u00a0 Having a conversation takes more than I have in me.\u00a0 All I want is time alone.\u00a0 Silence.<\/p>\n I\u2019m drowning here.<\/p>\n There is an undertow of people who need things from me.\u00a0 They take and I give and I\u2019m empty.\u00a0 I need to recharge. I don\u2019t know where to go to do that, and\u00a0 I don\u2019t know how to begin.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" ***Working it out on paper.\u00a0 I cuss.\u00a0 A lot.\u00a0 I gave it up for Lent.\u00a0 So what?\u00a0 I don\u2019t have the energy to care right now.\u00a0 Totally disjointed ADD ramblings.\u00a0 It\u2019s where I am right now.*** Have you ever had a mental breakdown? A humming discordantly to yourself, flapping your hands desperately, tugging on your […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1979,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-521","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n