**Stream of consciousness writing from a person with ADD who\u2019s off her meds.\u00a0 It meanders a bit all over the place.\u00a0 But I needed it out of my head and on \u201cpaper\u201d.\u00a0 If you can\u2019t follow my thought process, it isn\u2019t you, it really is<\/i> me. **<\/p>\n
For years now, I have hoped and prayed for my family of origin to be re-united.\u00a0 I never wished for my parents to be remarried, my father has a new wife and has moved on, but I wished with everything in me that I could walk away from my position as the family\u2019s black sheep and once again have a relationship with my father.<\/p>\n
I used to be angry at him for abandoning his family.\u00a0 I was furious that he had replaced me as his daughter.\u00a0 I was incensed that he allowed members of his new family to attack me.\u00a0 Most of all, I ached that he no longer wanted to be my daddy, that the Prince Charming of my childhood could forget his princess.<\/p>\n
I reacted as the child I still was in that relationship.\u00a0 I begged, cried and pleaded.\u00a0 I lashed out in anger.\u00a0 I roared at the world in my pain.\u00a0 It made no difference.\u00a0 He was as gone from my life as if he no longer existed anywhere on earth.\u00a0 He was gone.<\/p>\n
I recently had the opportunity to see him for the first time in 10 years.\u00a0 I opted not to go.<\/p>\n
The family tongue-waggers discussed my \u201creasons\u201d and came up with all kinds of selfish and dramatic reasons why I would have chosen not to attend a family wedding.\u00a0 They were all wrong.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t anger or spite that kept me away.\u00a0 It was grief.\u00a0 The pain and agony of my loss bubbled up inside of me and I wailed over it anew.<\/p>\n
I thought of the poor bride whose wedding was sure to be upstaged by my outpouring of pain.\u00a0 If I couldn\u2019t control it in the safety of my own home, what would I do when my pain stood before me face-to-face?\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want to be that girl<\/i> at the wedding.\u00a0 The bride deserved to have people talk about how she glowed, how lovely she was, how in love they both seemed.\u00a0 She didn\u2019t deserve to be outshone by the gulping grief of her new husband\u2019s family in the 3rd row.<\/p>\n
With every part of my heart, I wanted to see that new family created.\u00a0 I wanted to see the glow of their joy.\u00a0 I wanted to see that little boy get the mommy he\u2019s been praying for and dreaming about for as long as I\u2019ve had the privilege to know him.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t go.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t be the chaos and drama on what should be a joyous day, and I know us, the drama was inevitable if I was there. If it wasn\u2019t me sobbing, it would be someone else yelling.\u00a0 We\u2019re an Irish family complete with the hot temper that comes with that.<\/p>\n
The irony is that the drama and pain I wanted only to avoid found me anyway.\u00a0 They chased me with it and thrust it upon me.\u00a0 It was done in a way whose only point was to hurt me.\u00a0 There was no reconciliation sought or offered.\u00a0 There was nothing there but the desire to beat me for my \u201coffenses.\u201d<\/p>\n
I am done with it all.\u00a0 For 10 years I have shouldered the guilt of it all.\u00a0 I played the \u201cwhat if\u201d game.\u00a0 It is time to stop.\u00a0 It is time to stop pining for the family of my birth and focus my gaze only upon the family I have. I removed the letter to my dad from my sidebar.\u00a0 I no longer care if he reads it.\u00a0 <\/p>\n
I let go of the anger and the fury years ago because I realized that such anger will burn you up from the inside.\u00a0 I also came to recognize that you can\u2019t hate a stranger, you don\u2019t know them well enough.\u00a0 Love and hate of an individual require knowledge of that person.\u00a0 It\u2019s been 10 years since we last spoke.\u00a0 I no longer know the people they have become.\u00a0 I no longer know the person he is.\u00a0 I have been crying for a shadow for all this time.<\/p>\n
Just the same, they don\u2019t know me.\u00a0 Their anger and hurt is aimed at a person who doesn\u2019t exist.\u00a0 She is a creation of their memories and imaginations.\u00a0 They can no more hate the person I am than they can love me.\u00a0 For years, it has all been a giant game of make-believe played out in our respective imaginations.\u00a0 The true people no longer matter as we have all become caricatures in each others\u2019 minds.\u00a0 The only way it ends if for one of us to stop playing the game.\u00a0 So I have.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I have reached the point in my life where I\u2019m too old for drama and I just want to be left in peace and that\u2019s all I\u2019m asking for anymore.<\/p>\n
**I\u2019m leaving comments open for now.\u00a0 My family has a history of personal attacks in the comments of my blog.\u00a0 All such posts will be immediately deleted.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
**Stream of consciousness writing from a person with ADD who\u2019s off her meds.\u00a0 It meanders a bit all over the place.\u00a0 But I needed it out of my head and on \u201cpaper\u201d.\u00a0 If you can\u2019t follow my thought process, it isn\u2019t you, it really is me. ** For years now, I have hoped and prayed […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1979,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-613","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n